Can't believe I am doing this

by rockmehardplace 49 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  drwtsn32

  Welcome to the board, and thanks for sharing your story! You are among people who definitely understand what you're going through.
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  SnakesInTheTower

  welcome rock...

  it would have been easy for me to overlook some things. What I couldn't finally take any more of was what you said:

  What made me change my attitude from being passive about things to being more vocal over everything is backbiting, hypocrisy, lies, and mostly unloving attitude.

  Just as in Wizard of Oz, when Dorothy, et al. pulls back the curtain and sees what a pathetic little man running the whole show, so it was when I became a pioneer, then a MS, then an elder.....and see how people really are.

  The final straw that caused me to leave, albeit 5 years after the fact, was the 8 weeks I spent at MTS.....we were supposed to be the "cream of the crop." I knew this couldn't be true, I had gotten in for goodness sake. What kind of standards could they have had? Anyway, the backbiting, petty jealousies and attitudes from the so called "cream", turned out to be "scummy dross" instead. I knew before graduation day it was BS...I began trying to figure my way out of the assignment. After only 4 months of commuting, I was able to get out of that hell hole. Another 5 years of being an elder in a kingdom hall full of elder jackasses... and that was enough for me.

  Unlike you, I only have my JW mom to worry about. Truly I hope you can figure out a way to show your wife she loses more by staying in than she does by leaving. It is overwhelming if your whole family is in. And what we do for family...... **sigh**

  Thanks for sharing, look forward to hearing more..

  Snakes ()
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  Scott77

  "... held position in the congregation with many priveleges ...duties, and

  I have worked ...on District Conventions and Circuit Assemblies above and beyond

  the attendant at the door....what made me change my attitude from being passive about

  things to being more vocal over everything is backbiting, hypocrisy, lies, and mostly

  unloving attitude... stuck between the rock and hard place" (rockmehardplace).

  This description exactly matches my time with various congregations. Although no one ever told me those stuff being done against me, I can state with overwhelming confidence that I did caught several times those elders and ministerial servants and sister doing backbitting on me. They were ashamed really. Yet they were another group that loved me so much and I would not speak badly of them.

  Scott77
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  I dont want to give my identification away just yet.

  While I no longer look over my shoulder, I don't give away my exact identification. No need to ever, if you desire.

  You see, I can overlook the 1914 issue.

  I thought I could, but it was compounded with changes in "this generation." An organization guided by God should get at least most of what they proclaim right. WTS has never ever been right yet. But don't let me scare you away with my strong feelings on the matter.

  I hate the recent changes about the GB and the emphasis put on them as the sole decision makers, what happened to free will and discernment on the individual's part.

  I learned from Ray Franz's books and from other things that the organization doesn't trust the members to do the right thing- ever. That indicates a need to control everything.

  I have shared some of this with my wife and although she tries to be supportive and listen, she still defends that we could go nowhere else and receive what we do.

  While I and most people here fully understand the family issues, not wanting to lose contact with loved ones, it will become evident as time goes by that you do not "receive" something so great at the hall. What that probably means is that you think you have "the truth" still, you have hope and love and God's blessings. You already see the lack of love, and you are learning about the way "the truth" can change. You will yet learn that the hope is incorrect and that God's blessings are not upon the Governing Body. You may learn that fear is what keeps you in, not any truth.

  Sorry if I am a bit bitter. I hope you avoid bitterness and find your peace. Strength to you.
• 

  chickpea

  welcome to the forum...

  glad to see there is some
  wiggle room developing
  for you between that
  rock and hard place....

  keep thinking...
  that is what keeps
  our minds open!
• 

  Piercingtheveil81

  Hello and welcome,

  I totally and completely understand your situation. I finally worked up the courage to DA myself about 4 months ago. Like yourself I also held a positition in the cong with overwhelming duties. (public talks, bookstudy conductor, TMS conductor, accounts servant). Having doubts with many statements from the revelation book I started doing investigation about the societies past doctrines up to the present. Being honest with it all I had to admit that I just didn't believe I was in the "Truth" anymore. I knew that there would come a point when I would eventually leave which took me a year and a half to do.

  I feared the loss of friends I had come to be very close to, none of whom even knew of my feelings up till a week before I DA. My wife was also another difficult situation. While I came to the organization, for her this is all she knows since she was raised as a JW by a strict JW mother who doesn't say a greeting to me anymore. That upsets me because I was always considered one of her best son-in-laws and form one day to the next she completely turned on me all because i believe some things differently. What can you do?

  Although I was scared I had to tell my wife. Although it initially didn't go well, over the course of a year she started to pierce the veil of ignorance and now sees some clear falsehood in their doctrines and reasoning. Maybe some day she will find the courage to leave also.

  I don't know if you consider yourself to be religious or not but for me this was the strength for finally taking a stand to leave despite the consequences. I knew that no one can allow the loss of friends or even family stand in the way of ones worship to God since He is worth every bit of sacrifice that can be made.

  I didn't leave the organization to seek more freedom to indulge in my own selfish desire. I left for the freedom of worshipping God as I saw to be correct. If you are religious then build on that strength to help you through. Remember you may lose family and friends but it isn't anything that God cannot replace which I've experienced personally. Besides why would we want friends who would turn their backs on us if they knew how we believed.

  I hope things work out for you.

  " Let there be no compulsion in religion, truly truth stands out clear from error: whoever rejects evil and believes in God has grasped the most trustworthy hand-hold (bond) that never breaks. And God is all Hearing, All Knowing." Quran 2:256

  "Surely with every difficulty there is relief" Quran 94:6

  Piercingtheveil81
• 

  palmtree67

  Your feelings are so much like mine.

  Thank you for putting that into words.
• 

  rockmehardplace

  Thank you all so very much for your thoughts. When I first wrote this - which I have written a hundred times before today in my head - I thought this was the end of me. After I wrote it, a weight felt lifted. I understand that more weight needs to come off, but time and patience are my newest companions.
  Just to comment on a few thoughts

  1. Carla: You are absolutely right. My wife and I had that discussion and she still wants to believe that these men in NY are doing what is best most of the time. I stand by the belief that my direction comes from Jesus, and everything I would need would be found in the Bible and not in a board room with a small group of old men who don't have a clue what it is like to live in the real world. (that is another subject I could go on but I wont hijack my own thread)

  2. Chalam: Thank you for that, it reminded me of an issue I had about a year ago with Gal 5:14. I asked if we loved our neighbor, who qualifies? I was told that everyone would be our neighbor. It was then that I asked why some do not take this to heart because of the way that a particular brother was being treated (he is considered weak because he owns his own business and has to sometimes work nights so some have started to shun him to a degree). They told me that they were trying to encourage him to come back to the meetings fully, and I said "How? By treating him like trash? I cannot stand my next door neighbor where I live and I never treated him like that. Why would I treat Brother Hastoworkalot like garbage and he is related to us in the faith?" I am still awaiting an answer on that.

  3. Snakes: I loved the Wizard of Oz thought. Yes, I found the little man behind the curtain and I think he is smug, arrogant, and concerned with only himself. I once heard someone say "A fish stinks from the head to the tail." Never really got that until I saw that the attitude starts at the top and rolls right down to the local levels.

  4. OnTheWayOut: I have always appreciated your comments on other posts/sites and have seen your story from time to time. One thought though, I sadly realized that I do not have "the truth" being a JW. I realized that there is good things and there bad things about the religion. I have seen many people improve their lives because of becoming a JW but I have seen families and relationships destroyed by what JWs have done as well. I always think of Mouthy when she says to not "throw out the baby with the dirty water." Never has there been a more truer statement for me. But with that said, I will say your posts have been encouraging always.

  5. Ninja - I have to admit I think you are insane, but that is good. I would love to see you at a party. You are the one with the lampshade on your head I am sure.

  6. Daniel-p: your comment on caring people in general population is so true. I have a really good job that keeps me in contact with alot of people not only at work, but in the community as well. Many business leaders, politicians, general community, the works so to speak. I have met alot of very nice people who have shown more love and caring to me than many of my brothers and sisters "in the faith". Thank you for reminding me of that.

  7. Piercingtheveil81: thank you for that post, as I break free I can only hope my wife will eventually too. Yes, I still believe in God and have a spiritual need. That need I have found is not satisfied or can be manipulated by the board room in NY. I know that there will be a breaking point for me, I just have to get to that point and I know it is building up to it. Eventually I will need to make the decision. With that in mind, whenever I thing about it, I always have this song run through my head: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Ag8J2NMYmc

  One other note: Right after I hit the submit button on my first post, my cell phone rang and it was an elder in the congregation I attend. And funny thing is, I did not think he had my cell phone number and he never calls me at home or work. I thought "Oh Crap, I really screwed up big time didnt I!" He proceeded to inform me that when I miss a meeting going forward (I missed the last week or so due to work issues and being sick), I needed to call and inform him whenever I was going to miss. WOW! Now I have to check in when I want to stay home? Just further impressed upon me that I really am right in my feelings.
• 

  yknot

  I am glad you finally joined! (Hope your wife will too!)

  Having this forum makes putting up with this clampdown a bit more sane! It is all about them not having a clear direction, all of those nitpicking stuff is about treading water until a course of action is decided upon.

  So since you are in with the assemblies and DCs..... any word on what the 2009-2010 releases? Book or brochure? Scans?

  Looking forward to you commenting on future threads!

  LOL on the Elder ringing you....... Years ago I would have told you the angels ratted you out!
• 

  Quirky1

  Welcome to the board!!

  There are many of us here that has worn the same shoes.