A little advice needed on disassociating myself

MisfitMeL

Hello everyone!!

Yes I know I tend to post here only when I need advice or have something to rant about

So I'm living in the UK but leaving very shortly to go back to my home country of India and try my career luck there (what with the recession and all that). I'll be living with my mum for a while and I am soooo not looking forward to it. She is a JW and still thinks I am one. I've never told her that I'm an atheist now and I haven't been to a KH here in over 3 years!

Well I know as soon as I get off the plane, she'll be full of questions about the brothers and sisters here and what's the congregation like etc.

I've decided that I should try to make it clear from the start that I no longer want to be a JW anymore. I know she will go ballistic and scream and shout and call me names... she was always emotionally abusive so it shouldn't surprise me even though it stings.

I dislike engaging in conversation with her because she never really listens to what I have to say and always talks down at me... So I've decided that the best course of action to announce my "leaving" is to write a letter and have her read it. She'll still shout and belittle, but at least I'd have got my point across!

Do I write a "formal" letter of disassociation to hand over to the KH there? Is it necessary or important? Maybe some of my mum's JW friends will come round and try to guilt me into coming back... is it a good idea to have some letters handy? I don't really want to engage in conversation unless I really have to (bit of a recluse you see...)

I'd like to write a letter for my mum, stating all that is wrong with the organisation and that is why I cannot consider this religion to be the "truth" anymore. I think I'll hide the "atheist" bit for now.

I know there's lots of resources on this site and elsewhere, but could anyone give me a brief checklist? I've bookmarked some pages and I think I have seen othe people's letters in the past that they have posted here.

I hope I can compile a reasonably good defense, and maybe it will prompt her to question things herself (hope in a wonderful thing! ).

Any advice and experiences would be appreciated :)

MeL

freddo

Frankly I cannot for the life of me understand why you A) Want to go and live with your mother after the way you describe her. B) Think that DA'ing will help the situation, and C) Think that you have the prospect of a better economic future in India as a woman aged 26 than in Edinburgh.

Either you have not thought this through or I am missing something? Think it through very very carefully.... please!

Freddo

bluecanary

I’m going to borrow an illustration from Buddhism:

Let’s say there is a man named Jack who has a phobia about snakes. Jack walks into a dimly lit room, sees a snake coiled up in the corner, and panics. In fact, he is looking at a striped necktie, but in his terror he has misinterpreted what he sees to the point that he could even die of fright—death caused by a snake that does not truly exist.

Fortunately for Jack, his friend Jill walks into the room. Jill is calm and sane and knows that Jack thinks he sees a snake. She can switch on the light and reveal that there is no snake.

When Jill finds Jack frozen in terror, she has some choices about what to do. She can directly point out that there is no snake or she can use a skillful method such as escorting the “snake” from the room. But if Jack is so terrified that he is unable to differentiate the snake from the tie, even with the lights on, and if Jill is not skillful, then she can actually make things worse. If she dangles the necktie in front of Jack’s face, he could die of a heart attack.

But if Jill is skillful and sees that Jack is delusional, she can say, “Yes, I see the snake,” and carefully take the tie out of the room so that Jack feels safe for the time being. Maybe then, when he is relaxed, he can be gently guided to the point of seeing that there was never a snake in the first place.—What Makes You Not a Buddhist by Dzongsar Jamyang Khyentse

I think you can see where I’m going with this. Drop an apostate bombshell on your mom and she may not be able to deal with it. If you can start from a common perspective you may be able to gently guide her to see the truth rather than alienate her.

Do you have a back-up place to live in case it all goes to hell?

startingovernow

I'm wondering why you wouldn't be able to rent a room elsewhere. If your mom is like you describe, I'd say you're too old to put up with behavior like that. Try reading the book, "Take Back Your Life - Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships." If you move all the way to India to live with your mom and DA or just don't do as she expects, she might not want you to live with her, so where else can you go?

MisfitMeL

Frankly I cannot for the life of me understand why you A) Want to go and live with your mother after the way you describe her. B) Think that DA'ing will help the situation, and C) Think that you have the prospect of a better economic future in India as a woman aged 26 than in Edinburgh.

Either you have not thought this through or I am missing something? Think it through very very carefully.... please!

Freddo

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My visa runs out soon and I need a company to sponsor me. No promising signs from my job applications. Employers are happy to take me on but none seem eager to get involved in the visa procedures. Only option left is to return home, gain some more experience and then try again.

India is not going to be easier, but at least I can stay as long as I want without a visa! :(

I don't have any place to stay when I go back, so I will have to live with my mum. I'm hoping it won't be for too long as I will probably move to another city and try flatsharing etc.

Not sure if I have a good answer for question B!! Just thought it was a sensible thing to do why do people do it anyway?

MisfitMeL

I think you can see where I’m going with this. Drop an apostate bombshell on your mom and she may not be able to deal with it. If you can start from a common perspective you may be able to gently guide her to see the truth rather than alienate her.

Do you have a back-up place to live in case it all goes to hell?

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I'm not sure how to do it "gently" even though it seems more sensible and less stressful. She will want me to go to the meetings as soon as I arrive and almost all of her friends are exclusively JW, and I really can't stand being around JWs anymore or listening to the doctrine.

I could stay with some friends but I wouldn't want to burden them as we're not that close and I don't have enough money to get my own place.

MisfitMeL

I'm wondering why you wouldn't be able to rent a room elsewhere. If your mom is like you describe, I'd say you're too old to put up with behavior like that. Try reading the book, "Take Back Your Life - Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships." If you move all the way to India to live with your mom and DA or just don't do as she expects, she might not want you to live with her, so where else can you go?

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I probably could stay with some friends for a while, or the other option is to go live with my dad in Kuwait, but he's a nutter himself and converted to Islam recently and has become JW-like in his constant preaching about non-sensical ideologies

This is a mess!

rebel8

The way I see it--and this is JMHO--disassociating yourself is playing their game, by their rules.

If you're not living life by their rules anymore than I don't see why you should DA. Whatever sorts of dumb announcements they make about you is their problem, not yours.

Why help them play their stupid control game?

"No mom, I don't plan on discussing religion with you ever again. It's private."

If she keeps going, repeat it as many times as necessary, using the same exact words (broken record technique).

You're an adult. It's a violation of social/familial boundaries for others to meddle in your religious affairs.

MisfitMeL

To rebel8 : I suppose I could do that. Even if I don't talk to other people about it, I just felt it would be 'cleansing' to explain my reasons for leaving to my mum and maybe throw in a few things about our strained relationship. I guess I nurture a little hope that after all these years she 'might' learn to understand me and at least learn to accept my decisions even if she doesn't agree with them.

It's hard standing up to a domineering parent. I've only done it a couple of times, and only through emails or texts which are a lot easier than in person. I think I am still broken in a lot of ways.

rebel8

If it is therapeutic for you to put it all on the table, and that outweighs the potential consequences, then it's something to consider.

Do you need to DA in order to communicate your feelings to your mom?

DAing might feel like a rejection to her, and added to the shunning requirement, seems as though it would shut down communication more than facilitate it?

PS--Depending upon how long she's been a zombie, she might have learned about ex-jws in the days when the Borganization taught they had Satanic Hydrophobia (rabies) and they'd stone us if it wasn't illegal. (literature quotes)

A little advice needed on disassociating myself

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