A little advice needed on disassociating myself

by MisfitMeL 46 Replies latest jw experiences

MisfitMeL

I probably don't need to DA to communicate to my mum about why this isn't the truth and I am not following it anymore. However, I know she will run off to the elders pronto and tell everyone in the KH about my 'rebellion' and then a bunch of them will try to come down on me like a ton of bricks. If I hold my own against them, there will probably be a JC and I will be DF'd thereby being shunned by her any way
I'm not really sure what to do and I can't live a lie. I know my mum has good intentions deep down but she is very messed up, which in turn messes me up, and I would like to find some sort of normality to compromise on. I just don't know where to start...
She's been in about 20+ years now.
rebel8

Oh, that sucks.
You could just avoid the whole thing and say you're too discouraged to go to the KH or whatever....which will bring on a different set of issues.
I have a toxic mom too.
I did tell her I'm never going back to a kh again b/c I don't want to, and refused to discuss my reasons any further (with her or the elders).
I never got dfd AFAIK. Although I'm told they are all saying I'm possessed by demons because I said the C word once (cult). This tends to make them look like total nutjobs. I mean my nonjw relatives think my mom needs medication b/c who in their right mind thinks their daughter has demons!
Hard to predict how these things will play out, no matter what you do.
In my case it's been best to keep them in the dark. Denied all false accusations and refused to discuss anything.
MisfitMeL

Yes my mum is very demon obsessed as well!! She used to be catholic and slags other religions for their superstitions, yet when she gets into the paranoid demon mode, she fails to see the irony!!
She used to constantly tell friends (mostly JWs so they'd agree with her anyway) about how my dad was being influenced by demons. Now she'll probably say the same for me and that 'Satan has taken a strong hold of me' and she will ask everyone to pray for me to see the truth again or whatever
I guess it's down to me to have restraint and patience even though when faced with such annoying situations I just would like to pull my hair and go AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
I feel so alone at times as none of my friends understand what it's like, having never been part of such a cultish religion and the only comforting place to turn to is a forum like this, where company is miles away.
I know it's going to be a hard road ahead and I'll have to be strong, but a lot of times, I worry if I have it in me to face it all.
Damocles

Tough situation. You have my sympathies.
Its as hard to give sensible advice as it is to take it. Well not quite so hard maybe, but hard enough to see things through your eyes.
One thing to seriously consider is what your mom will do when she discovers you intend to officially quit (I don't use either D word). The dubs seem to be going through another of their 'paroxysm of paranoia' spells and there is pretty strong pressure now for good dubs to stay away from the fallen - even family members. How would your mom respond to pressure to not let you live with her? What would you do if she said you can't stay if you've quit?
As to arguments with mom, family and other dubs, well there's a saying 'argue with a crazy person and you lose...even if you win, you lose'. You can substitute JW for crazy in that saying and miss nothing. Generally, all a 'discussion' will do is make you upset and probably confused at which point your mom may sense she is making some headway and really go for the jugular. (The reasons for the confusion have all to do with dub rhetorical practice and little to do with your own sense of logic and reason - a whole other topic.)
I'm with rebel8 on this one. If you decide you need to officially quit for your own peace of mind (which is what I did), then simple is probably best. "To whom it may concern, I am no longer one of Jehovah's witnesses. Signature". What the dubs do with that is their business...but maybe your mom's as well. If you don't need to formally quit right now, then it may be best to slide along (which is what my son did) so you can keep body and soul together till you can move out. They finally kicked my son out, but by that time it didn't matter so much. Surely, you have developed some techniques for appeasing your mom without giving in totally. If not, best plan on making the home stay very, very brief.
Abraham Lincoln coined a wonderful phrase when he didn't want to argue and wanted to appear to agree with some ludicrous statement. He'd say "I shouldn't wonder" in a voice full of emotion and nod or shake his head. The information content of that phrase, however, is zero.
Good luck with it all. In one fashion or another, most of us on this site have faced a similar situation, so you have our understanding, although trust us, the hard part - quitting in your own mind - is past you.
Damocles
Farkel

You should seriously listen to those who've advised you NOT to DA. They have all the right reasons, but the first and formost reason is, in order to DA, you'll have to continue to PLAY BY THEIR RULES. They WIN if you DA, because you did it THEIR way. Do you honestly want them to "win?" Thought not.
The other important reason not to DA is when you do, you are still recognizing their authority over you and your actions, and it could backfire. Many JWs shun their own children who DA for the rest of their lives, and a DA is treated exactly as a DF: it is merely a voluntary DF.
The most successful way to get out is to fade and never tell two elders or any two dubs in person or to even one elder over the phone how you really feel about the JW religion. There are many examples of one elder calling a doubter and trying to get the doubter to say something to condemn himself, while another elder is secretely listening in a phone extension. In that case, you would be headed for a DF.
Lie to them. (They lied to you for years, you know). Tell them you have personal issues you need to deal with and are not willing to discuss them. I've been a hard-core apostate for over 35 years, yet all my JW relatives never shunned me because I simply "faded" without a DA or DF.
Farkel
MisfitMeL

Damocles : Thanks for the kind words.
Yes, this new extreme level of shunning is very worrying and I can only hope that with me being an only child, my mum will not want to shun me completely, as she is on her own after separating from my dad. She supported me in pursuing higher education, even when a few dubs made snide comments. So I HOPE she is not brainwashed enough to chuck me out, but I guess I can't rely on such flimsy ideals.
And you're right... arguing with such people only goes around in circles as they will not open their mind to anything else.
Sometimes I harbour a slightly childish fantasy of my mum renouncing her JW title and religion in general, and becoming 'well' enough so we can enjoy a reasonably normal mother and daughter relationship, which would make up for all the pain and tears for the past 25 years.
Quitting in my mind didn't seem like the hardest part to me, as I was never really a good JW, although I tried to be. I parroted a lot of stuff, but it all felt so fake. I couldn't be religious enough no matter how hard I tried, so discovering that the JW ideals were just as flawed as any other religion was more of a relief! It's just dealing with the personal side of it - the relationship with my parents, especially my mum, that is really hard because despite being 25 on the outside, it just covers a tiny little broken girl.
Sorry, I'm having one of those lousy evenings!
Gayle

If you truly need to go back home to India, because your visa is expiring, then when you go back to India, work 2 jobs, one full time and one parttime to save up to get on your own as soon as possible. So that you don't have to live with your mom for long. Your mom isn't going to change her ways,,it's your life that is changing. With the two jobs, you would have to obviously miss meetings and then you would be just too tired to go to meetings or or if you get intimidated by your mom to go to a meeting, just fall asleep, because you will be honestly exhausted. :)
Until you can live on your own, I suggest you not to write a letter of disassociation yet. Best wishes for your future and your freedom of mind.
OUTLAW

Listen to Farkel!..You will find him a good teacher..I have..
.....................OUTLAW
MisfitMeL

You should seriously listen to those who've advised you NOT to DA. They have all the right reasons, but the first and formost reason is, in order to DA, you'll have to continue to PLAY BY THEIR RULES. They WIN if you DA, because you did it THEIR way. Do you honestly want them to "win?" Thought not.
The other important reason not to DA is when you do, you are still recognizing their authority over you and your actions, and it could backfire. Many JWs shun their own children who DA for the rest of their lives, and a DA is treated exactly as a DF: it is merely a voluntary DF.
The most successful way to get out is to fade and never tell two elders or any two dubs in person or to even one elder over the phone how you really feel about the JW religion. There are many examples of one elder calling a doubter and trying to get the doubter to say something to condemn himself, while another elder is secretely listening in a phone extension. In that case, you would be headed for a DF.
Lie to them. (They lied to you for years, you know). Tell them you have personal issues you need to deal with and are not willing to discuss them. I've been a hard-core apostate for over 35 years, yet all my JW relatives never shunned me because I simply "faded" without a DA or DF.
Farkel
Thanks for the advice Farkel! What everyone is saying makes a lot of sense. I think I was hasty in choosing the DA option, but I will do my best to fade away. It was easy here because I have no family or friends, so I could just not go to the KH, and no one would know. It's much trickier back home, especially with my mum around, but I think I will now choose the silent route and just refuse to discuss my decision with anyone.
I know I will be itching to 'tell all' to my mum though!
MisfitMeL

Thanks everyone! I really appreciate the advice. It's great to hear such things when you're stressed out and confused and could make the wrong decision..
I'm definitely not going to DA now and just go with Farkel's excuse of having personal issues.

A little advice needed on disassociating myself

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