Hello to everyone,
I don't really know where to start on my first post; I feel I have so much to say and yet I am so emotionally tired that it is hard to go through it all again in my head. But, I do need support and advice and so I will make the effort.
I started having doubts about certain beliefs of the Witnesses about 2 years ago and did research since that I now come to the belief there is no God, and Witnesses definitely are a cult.
At first it bothered me more on the God issue, but now I am more bothered by the cult issue, mainly because it dictates my life even though I am aware of it.
When I was a child, my mother and father divorced and my mother told me I will live with my father because she was going to die at armageddon being a non witness. I think, as well as many other pressures I cant list for fear of a VERY long post, this was the main pressure that made me get baptized even though I wasn't that happy being a witness. I used to think it was because I was young and I found the meetings boring, not because it was complete rubbish, that I didn't enjoy it. Indeed for some time, I genuinely believed what the Witnesses preach.
I'll come back and and explain my path in those 2 years I mentioned, I think. Someone raised a few good questions about God that got me thinking. I was on holiday and when I went to the airport I saw 'The God Delusion' and although feeling a little guilty, picked it up. I read the entire book cover to cover before we landed. I felt like I was walking off the plane not only in a different country but a different person.
But, as you know, the mind-controlling aspect of the Witnesses caused me to doubt my new beliefs. Was I simply believing them because I was just bored of the meetings and ministry? It required much more research, although now I was prepared to look away from just the Society's books.
I expressed some concerns to my wife early on. I wanted her to know I was on an honest search rather than just springing it on her in one foul sweep. She knew I was researching and each day I would say one or two more things I found. She always listened and respected I was searching, but our conversations would only go so far before I'd have to stop them for fear of a big argument or something.
I went to the elders, more so for my wife who requested it than for myself, and expressed I was having some doubts. They said a few "encouraging" words and arranged for a second meeting.
I met them again a few days later, a little more cautious, and having seen how my wife was growing increasingly concerned with my lack of faith, decided I was going to lie to them, saying that thanks to a lot of prayer and research, my faith in God is restored and I am on the path to strengthening my relationship with God again.
My wife attended the session (The Elders request - I don't know if its in case they thought I was keeping things from her or to put me on the spot...) and I explained the above paragraph. I feel bad I lied, but I honestly felt, and still do, I was on the brink of losing her and things just going from bad to worse.
"Okay," the one Elder said, and then pulled a sheet of paper from his briefcase, "I actually printed off an article I'd like to talk to you both about." It was about how we, in a scriptural sense, should view animals. I have many pets, and he thought it was too many (especially as my wife was pregnant at this time). I couldn't believe that something as important as a 'sheep' saying that he no longer knew if he wished to be in the 'flock of gods people' was settled in seconds and he had actually come to the meeting with this alternate material to discuss.
It wasn't the first time he had spoken on this subject to me, but I had considered the info and decided I was keeping all my pets (They even want to control this now). I explained to him that as the head of my family, I had taken the information into consideration and after much deliberation had decided how to proceed for MY family and that I didn't want to hear the material again.
(SOrry this post is getting really long, but I'm getting some stuff off my chest too :-( )
At my saying this, he got really angry, visibly rolling his eyes at me and starting to shout so I asked the other elder to conclude the session.
Despite agreeing with me that the Elder had gone over the top, my wife didn't think as badly of it as I. Again, my eyes were opened to a new side of the Witnesses I had been hidden from in my childhood (did I mention I was born into the religion?).
Anyway I'll cut a long story short. I tested the waters with my wife and although she says she'd respect my new beliefs, I know for a fact she would think less of me and our relationship would be very damaged.
I love my wife very much and I feel bad that I am covering up every day the fact I no longer wish to be a Witness. At the same time, I can't bear to hurt her by saying how I really feel. She talks of her dreams to 'get married, and now pioneer with my husband' that if I express my thoughts on this, I will literally crush her (controlled by a cult or not, her feelings are real).
Secondly, I have a daughter. The timing was a little inconvenient as she was pregnant before I changed my views. Now dealing with a painful divorce that would leave me pain for the rest of my life is one thing, but I could not deal with not seeing my wonderful daughter every day. My family divorced when I was a child and I developed OCD (to an extent) as well as other problems from the stress. I can not put my daughter through that. While my wife and I probably wouldn't divorce, it is still a risk that I can not take. I can't bare to lose them to the point I decided I must continue my fake-age.
I've said enough, but I could go on.
It's hard though, as I explained before, and that's why I am here. I need advice, friendship and support. I've read a few other threads and some of them were hijacked; I must request that doesn't happen here because I am really struggling and getting so depressed learning how to deal with this new situation.
Thanks in advance.