First time posting..HELLO!

by kl2009 48 Replies latest members private

  • kl2009
    kl2009

    Hello Everyone!

    This is my first time posting. I haven't had the courage to share my story yet, but the more I read on here, the more confident I feel about opening up..Very briefly, I was raised in "the truth"..Df'd at 20, reinstated at 22, df'd again at 24. 10 years later, I am mostly at a peaceful place within myself as concerns my relationship with God. I still struggle with missing old friends and family but I find as time goes by, there are so many that are still witnesses that have reached out to me or haven't completely "shunned" me. This is where my confusion is. This weekend, I am attending the funeral of a very dear man that was like a father to me growing up. Our families have very long and close-knit history and even though I have not seen them in awhile, they have always welcomed me and shown me losts of love. My mother asked me today if I wanted to sit with her and the rest of my family during the service and it threw me off a little. Then I realized that as a df'd person, I would be relegated to the back where all of the other "sinners" are. (which, after I thought about it sounded better because they are more fun anyway.)I have been removed for so long that I am not sure what the protocol for df'd people is regarding this type of event. I know that this family is active as witnesses, however, they keep in close contact with people that are not only df'd but gay..which to most witnesses might as well be the devil incarnate. So, I am a little unsure of what my conduct should be at this function. Is it appropriate for me to hug members of the family? Do I just go in the back, sit there til it's over and qiuetly exit?? I don't know. The fact that I even have to think about they way I might be treated is so foreign to me, as I have purposely done everything I can to not put myself in a situation where I might be rejected by people that I love. ( nevertheless, at times it has happened and it never gets easier) Should I expect that this family will keep their distance at the KH? The whole thing is emotionally gut-wrenching in the first place to not only lose someone so dear to me in such an unexpected and tragic way, and then to have to face the turmoil of putting myself back into a situation I so fervently try to avoid. Any help, advice, anything would be great..and THANK YOU FOR BEING SO WELCOMING AND PROVIDING A WONDERFUL PLACE TO FIND SOLACE IN.. Also, if someone could tell me how to change my name on this thing, that would be great..I didn't think kl2009 was going to stick

  • rebel8
    rebel8

    Welcome.

    You are asking what the current jw protocol is and what your conduct should be in order to comply with it.

    My response is--follow normal social etiquette, be kind and polite. If people ignore/shun/gossip/etc., that is their problem, not yours. Let them be the abberation.

    If you want to say hello to someone, do it. If they don't respond, it's their problem. Just act like they're total nutjobs and brush it off. Don't act like they're in the right at all, or like what they're doing is normal.

    In essence, act just as though they farted really really loud.

    PS-You can't change your name here AFAIK. Hence my stupid name.

  • OnTheWayOut
    OnTheWayOut

    Should I expect that this family will keep their distance at the KH?

    Yes, but it is hard to say for sure. Funerals at the KH (really Memorials of the person, despite the fact that they don't really talk about the person, but talk about the beliefs) tend to allow the JW's to relax on the shunning. They might love bomb you with hugs and "We miss you" stuff or they might give you the cold shoulders. It's so hard to be sure. Expect the cold shoulders.

    What you should do depends on you. You could go out of your way to hug or say hello, that might get people pissed or creeped out.
    You can just sit back quietly.

    I have decided not to go to any of these memorials unless a living person who is greiving would appreciate me being there. So even knowing the deceased well is not reason enough. If my mother passed away and my step-father (non-JW) were already passed, I would probably not even go. It's not disrespect. I can remember the person in my own way, or join with other non-JW's someplace. I would go to the funeral home or cemetery in that case, just not the Hall.

    Anyway, I wasn't much help. I wish you well. Welcome to the forum.

  • asilentone
    asilentone

    Welcome to the board!

  • IronHill
    IronHill

    Welcome to the board!

  • jamiebowers
    jamiebowers

    I agree with both Rebel and OTWO; skip the hall and while paying your respects at the funeral home and/or cemetery, employ social norms. Sorry for your loss, and welcome to the board.

  • asilentone
    asilentone

    kl2009, kl2009 is fine with me and it is unique to me. Don't need to change it.

  • sweet pea
    sweet pea

    Welcome KL - it's brave of you to post finally. Look forward to hearing more of your 'story'.

    You wil get lots of good advice here. It's just a a shame that you need to post about this subject at all.

    Normally, you wouldn't have to think twice about whether or not to go to a dear friend's funeral, let alone who with or where you're going to sit!!!! That should tell anyone everything they need to know about the JW religion!

    Since being DF'd I have had one close friend (best JW friend's mum) die and I decided not to attend the funeral - I didn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable or put myself through more grief than I was already experiencing at the time. I grieved privately and sent cards to my best friend and her family.

    Go with your gut feeling. Have no regrets either way. If you go, sit with your family - that is the most 'normal' thing to do, and hold your head up high. I'm sure there will be people who don't know how to act around you because their 'normal' personality is conflicted but that is their problem.

    Sorry you are having to go through this.

    Sam

  • kl2009
    kl2009

    Thank you for your responses, I know it's kind of tough to know the right answer. Has anyone noticed more of a relaxed attitude toward df'd ones lately? There are those that are hardcore but then there are those that it doesn't seem to matter to at all, at least in my experience. Is it becoming more of a conscience issue all around? It seems like it is a lot different (relaxed) more than when I was a teenager in th 90's..Hmmmmm

  • yknot
    yknot

    DFd are back to being total bird-food beyond the redemption of anyone but their JC elders.......

    Those JWs who associate with DFd/Gay are bad JWs.... according to the WTS. Personally they sound like loving individuals that understand that labels don't really define the individual.

    I would try to offer a hug, if they refuse that is fine, but they probably won't in their time of grieving.

    Sit with your family since the invitation was extended.

    Assume the grieving will cause them to forget the WTS partyline, if it doesn't than just be quiet, distanced and respectful while being seen.

    If things turn hostile, endure the funeral say your goodbyes and leave in peace.

    I really hope this funeral proves to be more healing than dividing.

    Hugs and condolences on your loss.

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