LIFE after JW: Why is it so difficult to keep a romantic relationship?

cyberjesus

I have read in several posts other members who fail to have a succesful relationship outside of the WT. I have been out for several years but still dubbed by the WT.

In every single ocassion although I have had several realtionships I notice that I always saw them as not being able to fit the higher standards we had regarding in the borg regarding : honesty, modesty, associations with the opposite sex. I always imposed my freaking beliefs on them regarding what to wear or what not to wear because it wasnt appropiate, the feeling that to be honest you have to say the truth always. the fact that they shouldnt be spending time in a room alone with the opposite sex. the request for respect for me as a man, etc etc.

Seems like I treated them as we were in the Borg and they should behave otherwise God would dissaprove of them. Now I am out and they always seem to see me as judgmental sometimes abusive in my speach "since I probably said somethings were inappropiate or inmoral". and I always felt that they werent behaving good enough up to my standards.

Now that I dont believe in the bible and that I am attempting to re-write my moral standards find myself a little bit lost regarding my standards and my expectations in a relationships. What things are appropiate are what are not since I allowed the WT to tell me what is good or bad.

Although now I respect sexual orientation I realized I have very little tolerance regarding the way I get treated by people specially in relationships. Has anyone found the same way?

My current girlfriend accused me of trying to make her feel guilty of her actions. Is this another side effect of the brain washing? Have you found yourself in similar situations?

VoidEater

What is appropriate?

Whatever you agree to between the two of you. That calls for conversations, exploring your feelings, taking the other's feelings into account.

None of which were most of us exposed to in the WTS, where everything is nailed down and pre-digested into little lumps of law. Where your won character and the character of others is explicitly irrelevent.

So...now that you are your own person, it takes a little work to negotiate and talk and agree - relationships are built within agreements, what is OK, what is not OK, and what you agree to disagree on.

That takes honesty to actually speak what is true for you, and compassion to listen to what someone else tells you.

AllTimeJeff

This thread could just as easily been truncated to "LIFE after JW"

It is my opinion (thats all, although on this I don't think I am wrong) that our JW indoctrination, to the extent we allowed ourselves to wade in deeper, does indeed cause attitudes that linger, or are even prominent, once we leave.

Thats all. It could be so many things, and it isn't my place to judge. I just know that if anyone had good or nice tendencies before they become dubs, that stays, it just gets altered. Ditto if you have some less then appealing personality traits that feeds into the Alpo machine the GB has set up. It doesn't help you too much.

Then you leave. And you are so busy leaving JW's that its hard to look in the mirror to assess who you are, and seperate that from the dub crap that stuck.

In the case of romance, lets face it, hell yeah it affects you. You either don't want sex, want it so much you would consider sleeping with people you really have no business cavorting with, oh, and lets not forget the world class communication skills that being a JW gives you.

It's a lot to sort out. I wouldn't freak out, but I wouldn't underestimate it either.

cyberjesus

Well I was born a dubbed. So my personality traits were fostered by the WT environment. However I feel that always being labeld as wanting to be always right or as if God himself was speaking. I dont even notice that. In my own head I think I listen and try to be humble. But I seem to always know the right answer for everything. Could they be right? Does the feeling of having the truth translates to all aspects of our life?

Robdar

I don't know if it is JW related or not. I've been dating a long time and I am here to tell you, lots of people are messed up socially, psychologically, emotionally, etc. and they were never JWs.

If love is a struggle, you are with the wrong person. It's as simple as that.

moshe

Women today are leery of men who give them bad vibes in the "control department". I suggest you talk to a mental health counselor and see, what is going on. It might be just a matter of not doing enough listening, before acting. Good luck.

Aussie Oz

I have to agree with Robdar...

If love is a struggle, you are with the wrong person. It's as simple as that.

As harsh as it sounds, i broke off a basically fine relationship because it was a struggle. I did not want to spend years trying to change or adapt to each other. I chose to end it and keep seeking the one that did not require changes or adjustments by either of us.

All i sought post JW was to find somebody that would like me for who i had become. To find a non judgemental person, because i was sick of being judged. It took a few casual, and 3 longer term relationships to find the woman i married.

The biggest tip i can add is to seek to be treated the way you treat them and vice versa. And be patient, hell, my dad told me it took till his 60s to find 'the one!'

Good luck, and if you do feel it may be you behaving badly... seek counseling

oz

Quillsky

Moshe said......

Women today are leery of men who give them bad vibes in the "control department".

Completely correct. Cyberjesus you sound like a controlling nightmare of a man. "They shouldnt be spending time in a room alone with the opposite sex"? She must show "respect for me as a man"? I would run so fast from a man like you.

carla

respect for me as a man-- What exactly does that mean anyway? Respect is earned not given, and just like money, once it is lost it must be earned again and sometimes you never get it back.

Hint for you in the so called 'honesty' department- when the love of you life asks you if her butt looks big in those pants the correct respons is NOT- 'no, the pants don't make your butt look big, your ass makes your ass look big'. Bad idea if you want to have a nice night out. If you wish to have a nice evening you lie through your teeth and tell her she is lovely or if you must, tell her you really like her in a different pair of pants.

Your 'standards'? hmm, I think it is quite possible you did not live up to their higher standards of simple human decency and common courtesy. Where you perhaps acting hypocritcal yourself or for example in your requests re: clothing, etc...? You think their dress was somehow inappropriate yet that is what drew you to them in the first place? Did you claim your godly behavior while acting contrary yourself?

Sounds to me like you do not seem to know your own moral compass yet. Maybe you need to slow down in your relationships and allow them to develop naturally instead of trying to control the situation. Be friends first, friends tend to have mutual respect for each other. Going slowly allows your both to set your boundries without confrontation, and then you have time to decide if the person is a good fit to begin with. They might be a great friend but not marriage material.

Being so judgemental all the time is just borish. Try an expirement for a few days, think of everyone you meet or see on the steet as beautiful, not beautiful? find the beauty anyway. Try and see everyone you know in a new light and really see beyond the obvious. Look with compassion upon those you previously judged as worthless. Try it for a few days and see how often you find yourself correcting your thoughts. Try for 2 days and see what kind of person you are, are you able to see beyond your preconceived notions of people? You may find you are more judgemental than you thought. Or happily you may find that you have grown since your jw days and can see us 'worldlies' in a different light! Yes, ex jw's often carry a heavy load but you know what? everybody has their skeletons, everybody has something and all can find parallels and compassion if they look.

LIFE after JW: Why is it so difficult to keep a romantic relationship?

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