It's disturbing that the product of being born and raised in such an organization can result in the member never learning how to define his own values. Is this what's going on here? Is this common? ... and ... is this a hallmark that the organization is a mind-control cult?
LIFE after JW: Why is it so difficult to keep a romantic relationship?
by cyberjesus 31 Replies latest social relationships
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The Oracle
Hi.
You have to internalize your own value system. Be ruthless. Be honest. Decide what is important to you. What you feel is morally acceptable.
It's a mentally taxing process, but you have to do it! (in my humble opinion - haha)
JW's grow up without any training on developing and internalizing a value system. JW's are told what is right, what is wrong. The value system is imposed. That is why there are so many dishonest JWs, and why so many JWs after leaving kind of go off the deep end - they have no internalize value system.
That's my advice. Hope everything works out for you dude! You have to figure it out, because being able to develop great relationships is the spice of life that everyone deserves to enjoy.
Cheers,
The Oracle
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dgp
Marked for reference
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zagor
In every single ocassion although I have had several realtionships I notice that I always saw them as not being able to fit the higher standards we had regarding in the borg regarding : honesty, modesty, associations with the opposite sex. I always imposed my freaking beliefs on them regarding what to wear or what not to wear because it wasnt appropiate, the feeling that to be honest you have to say the truth always. the fact that they shouldnt be spending time in a room alone with the opposite sex. the request for respect for me as a man, etc etc.
My "problem" was of entirely different nature. I couldn't care less about 'modesty' etc. But years of backstabbing, financial and emotional abuse, almost loosing my head a number of times because of wtbs etc etc made me become hyper-careful about people's motives. I have to say it was not all bad and since then that "sixth sense" shall we say (that reacted on subtle things most people would not even notice), saved me more than once from making disastrous decisions both in business and personal life. In these times something in me would switch into the mode so to speak and sought to find the truth. It was most prominent when dealing with people from wtbs of course and somewhat less with those never exposed to it. In time though you grow out of it. IT becomes even field. I guess you could call it maturity or moving on or whatever. I suppose what all those experience do in the end they form a rich repository of experiences that you can seamlessly tap into. And it is pretty much during preliminary phase that you still do some adjusting. Later though you do move on, you have to after all. I mean I couldn't imagine my life being in that kind of stress constantly ever again.
As for relationships I've had, well more than I care to think of, both long and short, happy and sad, real and virtual (net), wild and classy and it was all good fun while it lasted. Mind you, sometimes ending a relationship doesn't have to have anything to do with your past, you might be facing your own unexpected trials, be it serious sickness, dire uncertainty, hardship of some kind or whatever when you know that continuing with the relationship will be many orders of magnitude more painful than breaking it apart, and if you care about your partner enough you'll find the way to end it with least amount of pain on them which means you take the shit , kinda My Best Friend's Girl movie break up method, maybe not as dramatic ;) but you get the picture. At other times though your past will still catch up with you and if that is the case constantly where you eventually hit the wall with people who can't comprehend your past then better look for those who can, that would be my simple advice.
As for me, I've seen enough of people that past has watered down substantially as to be insignificant, mind you while I had touch with wtbs early on I was not born into the borg per se nor was I conditioned in it day after day from beginning. (My dad was never a witness) So I had a foot in both worlds. I guess that is why it makes it easier now to move on. But I can understand how hard it might be when the only thing one remembers during formative years are "Bible stories".
A girl I'm sort of seeing at the moment knows about my past but we have so many other things to talk about that my past hardly makes a ripple in a pond. And I guess that would be my advice to you. Get yourself built up, know what is important to YOU, and don't dance around her like a puppy (unless you want to break up with her, being clingy or sniffy is the sure method to make her walk away lol) Take a day, a month, heck a year if you need and get to know yourself, what is it that YOU really want in life, what is it that YOU are passionate about. Once you get that clear you will resonate with such power and frequency that people who are compatible will be seeking you and those who pretend will fall away quite seamlessly.
And don't make a mistake of "oh I wanna marry this one" on first go. Go out, have fun, explore. Nail it really down what it is that YOU really want and don't settle for anything less
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Brocephus
Cyberjesus I got the same troubles. Just broke up with a girl that I loved after 2 months of dating. We can't stand to be a part a mutual friend got us f*cking tonight after a few drinks. We had the best sex and conversation ever. She asked what change I said I gave up trying to make the relationship and just taking whatever she gives, which is sex for now. I told her I am a total screw up at relationships, she silently agreed.
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BabaYaga
A problem I had when I first left was that I had never, ever been taught to gracefully and sincerely apologize.
Witnesses are taught that they are always right... even if they don't have a ready answer. They do not back down. They do not listen with an open mind... they do not reason when something makes them uncomfortable.
There seems to be just two emotional switches that are survival instincts when one grows up in the Watchtower Society:
- Doormat and
- Defensive.
More food for thought.
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Caligula1
CyberJesus,
I like that name.
I struggle with some of the same issues, even to the fact that it creates inaction. (It's Fri night, and I should be out socializing and dating, but I'm at this keyboard).
Many great posts. As many Non-JW's struggle with relatonship issues.
An inactive friend of mine is seriously contemplating marrying a JW. I used to frown on that, but now I say "Go For it."
I was at a JW function a few months ago, and my allure and sexual attraction to the "pioneer" sister was evident to me.
I was raised a JW from birth. I"m a Black male, on the East Coast USA, in my 40's.
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cyberjesus
Removing the JW mentality is so hard!
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blondie
Removing the jw mentality is no guarantee either; so many non-jw people are struggling too. I think it's because so many people think that it just comes naturally; also add that so few people even really know themselves which is paramount before getting to know someone else.
I wonder if some who post here have some suggestions as to material this is helpful in developing a self that can build and maintain a good romantic relationship.
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Brocephus
CyberJesus, all the problems you are having are the same ones I have had. I think it's that we are taught to look down on others and elevate ourselves. Dig deep and accept these women the good the bad and the ugly and they will be eating out of the palm of your hand.