LIFE after JW: Why is it so difficult to keep a romantic relationship?

by cyberjesus 31 Replies latest social relationships

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  Jezebel2

  I have to say I agree, I am getting controlling vibes rom your post cyberjesus. The best way to ward off nonJW women is to try to control them or to try to impose your beliefs on them. I am also concerned with your "moral vlaues" comment. That is JW resudulals. People in the real world certainly have moral values, but they are not judgmental or imposing regarding them like JW's. Moral values are a personal thing. I would not even expect my partner to have the same moral values as mine...why, who cares. As long as respect fror others is there, what difference does it make?

  You should continue to weed out the JW beliefs because women on the outside have a lot of choices and will not tolerate the JW programming especially as it pertains to how brothers treat sisters. Here is reality that will repell.

  Have an open mind. Forget the moral value crap. Decide for yourself and forget what you were taught as a JW. Be honest with women and respect them enough to allow them to be themselves without judgement. Stop judging yourself while your at it too. You are free now. It's ok.

  Jezebel2
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  Nathan Natas

  If you are having problems with your personal relationships, the first thing you ought to do is TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for it and stop talking about it in the third person ("a friend of mine...").

  Clearly you aren't concerned about MY relationships, because you know nothing about them. Nor are you concerned about the relationships of some guy in the Congo, or some chick in Japan.

  Neither I nor any other guy here has a problem with your girlfriend.

  YOU do.

  Your problem is your relationships, so be honest and start from there.

  Maybe you're not praying enough. Maybe you're praying too much.
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  cyberjesus

  Well thank you for your replies and your "non-judgmental" thoughts. All I wanted was to share the natural thoughts and emotions that come out and wanted to see if anyone else felt the same way.

  The controlling-vibes you get are just the result of the indoctrination I received. Thats all the trainning I had and thats all i learn. Where do you think I learn about how a woman has to dress or behave? from the freaking WT and the bible. Thats a fact. Of course I am concerned about "MY" relationships and wanted to know if some of YOU have experienced the same thing. That way I could detect if this is a common occurance.

  I was also interested in finding out how do you deal with the following: in the WT we are told the JWs are the only one honest and we have modesty and with a morality higher than the "worldly" people. therefore we were used to see others as lower than us. Now I am out I now the wT is a bunch of lies but I can not deny all the good things that I learn from it. and sometimes I still see some of their "precautions" as a safe tool. Let me give you an example.. The fact that two people of the opposite sex shouldnt be alone in the same room. That is seen as a no-no in the borg and could be the cause for a reprimand. The goal is to avoid fornication... ok I ve heard people here saying that that is outrageous.

  Although I think that just the fact of being alone with someone shouldnt be enough to reprimend someone in the Cong I do think that it is kindda dangerous to be with someone in a closed room. But where do you draw the line? Would I like to find my Gf alone in her apartment with another dude? nope, no matter how secure they think they are. What do you think?
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  LongHairGal

  Cyberjesus,

  I don't know how old you are or how long you have been out of the religion. You say you want to re-write your moral standards, this is okay if this is what you really want and not what is being forced on you by peer pressure in society.

  If you did have some bible based beliefs (and you are entitled to them even though some on this forum might try to make you feel it isn't cool to have them), you may want a woman who feels as you do. I don't know exactly what you are looking for. However, even a woman from another christian sect might be turned off by a controlling attitude. Try to work on this.
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  dinah

  However I feel that always being labeld as wanting to be always right or as if God himself was speaking

  That's how they taught us. We were always right, because the GB was always right.

  My advice would be to figure out how you tick before you make a woman's life miserable.
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  Jezebel2

  Remember cyberjesus..all of us were programmed like you were. We all had to get over that stuff to make it in the real world. Please try not to get defensive and listen to people who have been there and managed to get over it.

  I have been out since 1991....married a guy who was never a JW and the marriage lasted for 15 years.

  It sounds as if your looking for a "sister" on the outside. Listen to us....you need to let go of everything WT told you about modesty, headship, morality and the opposite sex. If you do not, you will find it very dificult if not impossible to find a healthy relationship on the outside.

  Decide for yourself. Why not try bieng alone with a girl before you knock it. Also, something to be said for fornication...might want to try that also.

  Jezebel2
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  Razziel

  Try and look at it from their point of view. When you straight out say something is inappropriate or immoral, they take that as an accusation of something they may not even have thought of until you mentioned it. They also infer that you do not trust them. They will feel as if you are treating them like a child, and your relationship goes from being equal partners, to parent-child, and they will usually leave the relationship pretty quickly.

  It's a fine line of letting your likes/dislikes be known without coming across as "this is how you have to dress/act if you want to be with me." It takes practice. To be crass, if you come across as condemnatory or controlling, you are basically taking a crap on their value system, which leaves most people deeply offended. Even if you really were compatible you can ruin the relationship just by the way you phrase things.
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  cyberjesus

  Thanks again for your responses. I think everybody here learn the same principles

  1.- wants to be the best they can be

  2.- wants to be fair with everybody

  3.- does what is taught to be the most appropiate actions

  4.- wants to make the other person happy

  5.- wants to protect whatever relationship we value

  6.- wants to do what is right.

  So this is not about being defensive but realistic. For some of that are born-in we form our whole set of standards from examples and indoctrination. you can call it controlling but to the JWS thats normal. so we leave and suddenly we have to redo what normal is and since we still see everything else as unapropiate, the problem lies in creating a new set of standards, a new discovery of one's self.

  my question would be then, if you suffer of the same what did you to get over it?
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  Nathan Natas

  Cyberjesus asked, "...what did you to get over it?"

  I realized that much of what I had been told was a pile of chauvinist crap and I stopped acting that way.

  Start with this idea: you aren't that different from most other people, and most other people are not that different from you.

  Treat people nicely, with respect and good manners, and most of them will reciprocate.

  The alternative is called "the school of hard knocks" and those knocks aren't always figurative or emotional. There are people who will give you a fat lip for being rude or presumptuous.

  If you are really having a lot of trouble with this, maybe you should seek counseling. A narcissistic personality has a lot of trouble understanding how to get along with folks. Lots or religious zealots tend toward narcissism. A psychgologist would be able to identify your personality type and help you make progress with socialization.
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  Jezebel2

  Yes, you need to create a new set of standards and redefine what is right for YOU. It takes some time but we ALL had to do it.

  What did I do to get over it?...I realized I didn't want to be a helpless sister, enrolled at a university and started getting to know people. I learned that these "worldly" people were not so bad after all. I stopped judging and started deciding for myself what I thought, what my morals were and my opinions were without JW influence. I also learned that I was not going to be putting up with a man expecting me to keep my "place" or treating me like a second class citizen.

  Jezebel2