Bluh (it's sickening isn't it) your story, VIII, reminds me of my mom!!!
A question about marriage in the organization
by dgp 35 Replies latest jw friends
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VIII
Butterflyleia, it is gross. I hear stories like this all the time from my Mom and she inevitably brings up her old boyfriend and That Girl.
In the Chicago area, where I grew up, that is not un-common. Obviously, young people hooking up with people their own age is more common, yet, if an older Brother needs to find a *Mate*, why go find an older woman his own age when the young women are there for the taking?
Prove you can provide for them to the family and you're in.
Men in the b0rg have it really easy. Women are so desperate to find someone to spend their lives with and there are so few, it is so sad. I have enough stories to write a book. And a sequel.
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nugget
It does happen for many of the reasons previously mentioned. There is an active belief amongst girls in the organisation that if they are not married by their early 20's then all the good brothers will be snapped up and they will be left on the shelf. All you can do is talk and encourage your daughter to be sure she knows her own mind before making a life long commitment to someone else. My sister rushed into marriage with a Brother and she has had a miserable marriage with an abusive husband.
The tack I would take is if this marriage is going to last forever she needs to be sure that he is the one she can spend eternity with. This is not a decision that should be rushed. If he is a spiritual man then he will appreciate that she will need time and should not pressure her into any quick decisions. If he tries to rush things as important as this then just how spiritual can he be?
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dgp
I appreciate all the posts, and will appreciate others, if they come. As of this moment, I can conclude that a couple of forty-something witness parents might approve her daughter marrying a much older man for many reasons, but let's give the spiritual ones.
"This life, here and now, isn't important, really. Practical matters, such as bringing food to your table, are important for the time being only. Marriage is forever and ever. So, what we need is to cover the short term and the infinitely long term. For the short term, it's enough if he is spiritual and has the means to bring food to the table. That doesn't mean we want brother Oddball, but an older brother is way better than, Jehovah forbid, a wordlly man. Now, for the infinitely long term, brother 40-something will become young again in the new system, so age differences won't really matter".
I won't question the religious aspects of this. I just would like to mention what so many of you already know: that this marriage isn't about love, and that this way of arranging things results in enormous pain and many unhappy marriages. If I were a witness parent, my infinitely long term thinking would make me not approve of an older brother, unless he proved to be a very, very, very, very, very good and compatible person. I would give a damn about his being theocratic, sorry; I would take that for granted since he would be a witness.
And I tend to think that I would actually prefer my sister marrying a loving worldly man over an unloving brother. The worldly man would get to die soon and my daughter would get to have some happiness for the time being. An unloving brother, forever and ever.... NO WAY.
Thanks to all, and I look forward to more posts.
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sinis
What the hell does age have to do with anything. So let me get this straight moms, if Brad Pitt wanted to marry your daughter, would you refuse, especially if true love existed???? Yea, I didn't think so...
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AllTimeJeff
Sinis, the big difference there is that Brad Pitt isn't a JW.
And he's rich.
And he's Brad Pitt.
Otherwise, great analogy....
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JeffT
Ever notice that the best marriages in the borg are had by irregular/inactive ones? Because they actually devote their times to their families instead of the borg.
Describes us perfectly. We were married in 1974, about a year after we became JW's. (didn't know each other very well at the time). By 1977 we had two children, missed various meetings on a regular basis, field circus fell off etc. We left in 1988. Marriage is still hanging together, thank you.
Young women are nice, but Lord I can't imagine having to talk to one all day long (that isn't a daughter or something).
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Think About It
My mom had been dating, seriously, a divorced JW who seemed on the verge of asking her to marry him. He was 37. She was 36 at the time. They had been dating for approximately 9 months and were the talk of the circuit. He was an MS and visited our congregation all the time. He was a Vietnam vet and very handsome. He was a business owner and was very well off. My mother was on Cloud 9. She was the envy of all the single (and some married) Sisters. They got married at OUR KH and we were even invited. My mom went into a deep depression and didn't get out of bed for three months.
VIII..........what a terrible experience for your mother. What also is troubling about something like this......is a sister at that age is still very attractive, but she is running out of her prime years. She could very easily find a man outside of the org., but she would get harassed about it by the elders because the guy wasn't a JW. The younger girls are taking the guys her age and she's discouraged from dating outside the org. It's a tough spot to be in. My advise is to find love wherever and go for it. To hell with what the elders think.
Think About It
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dgp
I'm sorry, but I would like to say that Sinis and All Time Jeff got the sense of this post wrong. It's not just about age between the parties to a marriage. It's about freedom, and about whether JW parents are to blame or not.
In the real world, if Brad Pritt truly loved a daughter of mine, I would have little say in whether she married him or not, unless she were a minor. My daughter would be free to marry essentially anyone, and she would have options. She wouldn't go for a 40-something man on the basis that he is but one of a few eligible mates. And, she could leave the man if he were no good. In a sense, this 40-something would need to prove himself a good mate or he would find himself all alone. Maybe my impression is wrong, but I don't think that's the case in the organization.
I'm not naïve, and I really know what world we live in, but I wouldn't want my daughter to marry someone just because he is handsome, rich, or a movie star. Or all three. I'm not a witness and certainly don't want to sound as one, but I don't think those are good criteria at all. Old-fashioned me doesn't want to think that marriage is a business. I'm afraid this is what happens in some of the marriages like the one I'm denouncing.
JeffT makes a good point. What is it that a 40 something has in common with a 20 year old? Not much, but she's young flesh. And sometimes he can have her because there aren't many others around. I hope I have made my point.
The other question is a very uncomfortable one. What is in the mind of a JW father who says nothing against his daughter marrying a man his age? How can he justify his own behavior? His saying that he's Brad Pitt would be as bad as saying that the man is spiritual and, gosh, he's so good at field service.
I have the feeling that this kind of thing is one of the many ways in which the organizations brings suffering to the lives of many.
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EmptyInside
Yes, there is a brother I know that is divorced and a couple years older than me, he is 39 going on 40. And I heard a couple months ago, he was dating a 24 year old. He was even asking about a young sister I used to babysit. It makes me feel like crap really.