The trouble with fading as your leaving strategy

by eyesthatsee 41 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

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  eyesthatsee

  Whatever your chosen strategy for leaving JWs, the fundamental truth is that there is no clean / simple exit. The mind control, the manipulation of normal family relationships etc will make any strategy very difficult at times. The key issue is to know this ahead of time and be prepared, as best you can.

  We've all chosen leaving strategies acording to our personal circumstances, preferences and learning from others. My choice was to fade over time - primarily because I still have a zealous JW wife, still have a young child going to meetings and was a long serving elder.

  The trouble with fading for me is that even after more than a year out, there is still a question in the BoE and congregations' mind about whether I will return. I still get invites out for meals with the family, still get the odd phone call and other contacts from my former elder colleagues. I know it's over - I know I can never go back after seeing the lies of the organisation, yet the continual contact and overtures made through familiy connections is hard.

  For some, DA'd or a quick and definitive exit, leaving no room for doubt in the minds of others, may be the best option. I wonder sometimes whether the slow burn of fading is best. In the end, I think the only reason for a long fade is trying to minimise damage to your children and keeping your communication route open to them (closed if you're DA'd or DF's) to help them leave.

  How did it go for you when you decided to fade? Appreciate any views and experiences.

  Regards and affection to all out there going through the same hardship. ETS
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  Brocephus

  Don't worry, 14 years into my fade and I promise you Jehovah's glorious chariot will move along and forget about you in a little time.
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  cantleave

  eyes, I know exactly where you are coming from. I am seriously considering DAing just for the clean break, I have to find another job first - my life ay work will become hell with so many JW's there.
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  AllTimeJeff

  I used to feel this way. I think it important to mention here that faders fade for one simple reason: to bypass via that small "loophole" that exists so that they can still associate with family and friends.

  Otherwise, I can't think of a good reason to fade.

  The consequences of leaving is the one thing that the GB still has, to be able to keep loved ones away from you as punishment for ever leaving the group.

  I didn't fade, and I have discussed here many times the wisdom of fading. At first, I didn't understand, but over the years, I realize why those that fade do, and I applaud them.

  I agree that fading has many disadvantages, and I think in fairness, one thing shouldn't be overlooked. In order to gain your family and friends, you do have to live an incongruent life, and play their game a bit. Even if it is playing it against them.

  Having said that, the blowing up the bridge method that I and others took by resigning has its own consequences, and they shouldn't be minimized....
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  Leolaia

  It was pretty smooth for me. I faded by simply moving to a new area and when the welcoming party from the new cong came to the door of the apartment, my sister simply told them (lied) that they had the wrong address. Neither of us ever went to the meetings, so perhaps we both were disfellowshipped in abstentia or something, but other than meeting non-attendance, I don't know what the reason would have been (I wasn't there myself when the JWs came to the door), and nothing was ever reported to me, and it never affected my family relations with JW relatives. My mom and my aunt and uncle lived in a different state and had no contact with people where I lived, and my JW status would never have affected my relations with them anyway. My aunt's own children, well a few of them, "fell away from the truth" (one went into the military and one is gay) but they were never shunned by family.

  Oh yeah, and several years after I left, I met up with an old friend from my cong and we went out for a while (platonically). I had no idea of his then-current JW status and he never asked of mine; the subject never came up (so maybe he left as well).
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  OnTheWayOut

  In my humble opinion, fades are not for those that cannot bite their tongues. Fades are just to preserve some family relations. Some may keep a few friends, but basically the JW's in your life will know you are no longer a JW.

  I don't go to JW events anymore- no weddings or funerals, no gatherings of any kind. A few of my wife's friends tolerate (even seem to like) me, but otherwise, I avoid JW's like the plague if they are not my family.

  The great thing about fading is that you can try to keep contact with some loved ones. If they don't allow it for whatever reason, you can always simply abandon the fade. But you cannot simply abandon a DF/DA. So it's worth a try to anyone prepared to take a tough road.

  My JW mother looks for a reason to keep contact and normalcy between us and a DA/DF would be a huge obstacle to her. So, until my healthy retired mother gets older and dies, I will refrain from political heavy activity and I will celebrate birthdays or holidays kind of quietly. It works for me.

  Spouses are a mix here on JWN. Mine doesn't want to report anything I do to the congregation. She wants a happy marriage. Some don't go along but want to get the elders involved. I don't tell my wife how involved I am in ex-JW activity, but she knows there is some stuff going on. If I don't say it, she doesn't have her loyalty litmus test.

  As far as the elders or other JW's go, I say you need to put them off. Just say "No thanks" to any offer to talk, reactivate you. Offer very little else. I considered meeting with them if they would let my wife sit in, hoping to expose some major problems with the organization. But really, I know how they excuse any problems with the doctrine/GB/individual members as "the light getting brighter," "they are just imperfect men," and how the individuals give in to "Satan" and don't represent the faithful. So I didn't bother. Telling JW's anything (even separately) can lead to them reporting it and DA/DF'ing you. Tread lightly even with trusting family. If you cannot do that, then blast your cannons to them until they throw you out.
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  besty

  you don't mention whether your wife knows you are an apostate or not....?

  i have maintained for a long time there is a question of personal integrity involved (for me anyway) - I know this is a controversial view, but ultimately I think you have to be honest with people as to why you can't be a JW any more - if that leads to DF then so be it.

  Fading on the other hand involves a certain amount of duplicity....AMHO - 0.02 and other disclaimers :-)))))
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  dssynergy

  i'm doing a fade of sorts - and it is mostly to keep contact with my young nephews whom I am close to. Also, I do have some friends who are keeping contact with me, and I enjoy our time together. I offer no excuses as to why I am not going - but if need be, I am ready with an answer. I find it is pretty easy to avoid discussing much doctrine, unless of course I get stuck with some self-righteous character with a label to uphold.

  It is true though, fading is not for the faint of heart. It can be a lot of work especially if you have friends or family that are anxious about what you are doing and upset that your activity is slowing or stopped completely.

  Faders, ROCK ON!

  DS
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  moshe

  Fading= lying in my book. -until you can be true to yourself and stop living a lie, you aren't truly free from the WT org.

  Society admires those who have principles and make a stand, draw the line and fight for the truth. Like it or not, we are at war with the WT empire and faders will never earn the admiration of those who are fighting the public battle.
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  Gregor

  As Moshe said, fading is lying if you have family and close friends you have to juggle for an indefinite period of time. If you are somewhat independant and can move away, like Leolaia, that is probably pretty simple.

  I must point out, though, that faders are denying themselves a very enriching experience. Getting DF'd is like being fired for not being good enough for them. But DA'ing is like peeing on the bosses desk, flipping them the bad finger and slamming the door on the way out.