The trouble with fading as your leaving strategy

by eyesthatsee 41 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

• 

  passwordprotected

  I couldn't sleep at night for a while, worrying over the flicker of hope I knew existed in my old cong that I'd return to the "fold" one day. I couldn't handle giving people a false sense of expectation when ultimately I knew I'd let them all down. I worried that my anxiety over this may even drive me (kicking and screaming inside) back to the congregation.

  I quickly saw, though, that the whole idea of fading just so that some semblance of a relationship with these people could be maintained was bonkers; their friendship with me was absolutely, 100% conditionally based on me living the life of the Watchtower magazine. I couldn't live that life anymore. So I would have to be a phoney so that I could continue to 'enjoy' their phoney, conditional approval?

  I've been outspoken here before (as has Besty) about the problem of faders/fading. I usually get tossed back the line, "well, I've got family that are still in". Guess what? So do I! My entire family is still in the cult! Every single friend I ever had - apart from 2 - are still in the cult.

  One problem with the fading strategy is that you don't speak up about your reasons for no longer going to the meetings. You become impotent and are reduced to creating hilarious fake Facebook profiles so that you can act out your passive aggression towards the Witnesses on Facebook (how many pages did that thread run to?) while real ex-JWs are going from door-to-door, toe-to-toe with the JWs handing out 'apostate' leaflets to householders. Only one of these actions has any real impact or effect; guess which one it is.

  Here's the real trouble with the fading strategy; you're still handing all of the power back to the hands of the Governing Body and their representatives in the local congregations. 14 years before you can get some of your life back?? Being scared to answer the phone in case it's an elder? Hiding behind the sofa when the JWs are in your street? Not letting your kids celebrate birthdays or Christmas in case a local JW finds out? But at least Auntie Betty still gives you a curt smile as she passes you on the frozen food aisle in Sainsburys. Really?

  If all of the faders took a stand for what they now believed, the WTS would experience a tsunami from which they'd struggle to recover.
• 

  SouthCentral

  I had a perfect fade!!! I had turned in time for years until the CO said that I could not turn in time unless I came to the meetings. I had always allowed the elders to come over as well. I was almost invisible, until I was OFICIALLY Inactive, after not turning in time. This despite never going to the hall in 4 or 5 years....
• 

  SouthCentral

  Oh yeah, I quotes scriptures and references in the publications as well. Thanks for keeping me updated everyone!! After serving as an elder and pioneer, some things never change. They just get darker!!!
• 

  besty

  oh alright then - I was being all SoCal passive-aggresive - but what password says...

  WORD.
• 

  passwordprotected

  @besty - you've been away from Perth for too long.
• 

  wobble

  Welcome Back PASSWORD !!!!

  I always enjoyed your well thought out posts,looking forward to some more if you are able.

  I agree with all you say, and my first strategy was to be so outspoken they could easily have DF'd me.

  But all my family,not just the ones who are in,but my two sons as well,who were never baptised,begged me not to get myself DF'd or even to DA. I have agreed to "behave" myself.

  I am though now going to be more outspoken when I get the "We miss you both" emotional blackmail. I do think that to help others out is a moral duty, their lives are at stake. We have heard that as Dubs, but it is true OF all Dubs when you think of the Blood doctrine and its effects.

  Yes, fading is not the best way to leave, but it is the only way some are able to handle it without causing too much grief.

  Love

  Wobble
• 

  Quillsky

  (The following comments are directed at people that have decided to leave for ethical or doctrinal reasons, and not because of having committed some "disfellowshippable" offense. If they've got you for something then a whole different strategy may be required.)

  I understand the inherent nobility in disassociating yourself, and my hat off to all the DA'ed people here for taking a principled stand. But the bottom line is that you will always be treated the same as a DF'ed person....... not good for the family.

  So I still believe in the Fade®, and especially the QuickFade™ rather than the SlowFade™. There may be a degree of dishonesty involved in most fades when they pursue you, but the QuickFade™ minimizes the time spent in avoidance, smudging of reality and dodging.

  If you're doing a QuickFade™ the best TruthSmudger™ is "I'm not feeling very spiritual at the moment, and I've got a lot going on [if pressed, vaguely mention health/work/financial pressures]". Moving house also helps a lot, but is not always practical. (What a cult this is that we have to move house to get away from them.)

  Living in the same home as a current JW does make it more of a challenge, and it would help a lot to have your partner on your side. Total honesty is a good thing in this situation, if your partner is not a disloyal turncoat type.

  The other advice I have for any Fade®, but especially my recommended QuickFade™ is..........

  1. Avoid any meetings with two elders, shepherding calls and so on. If you are cornered into one of those then 2. BEWARE OF THIS QUESTION: "Do you consider yourself one of Jehovah's Witnesses?" It's a DF trap. Immediately employ the TruthSmudger™ above, "I'm not feeling very spiritual at the moment, and I've got a lot going on [if pressed, vaguely mention health/work/financial pressures]". NEVER EVER respond "No" to this question.
• 

  Mickey mouse

  Fading isn't easy. Ultimately, it would appear my family are not in any hurry to lose our relationship and are happy to turn a blind eye to our fade rather than risk rocking the boat. If they were forced to shun us, I have no doubt they would, but if we can continue to make the current situation work, we will.

  Some elders can be persistent when it comes to attempting shepherding visits.
• 

  Quillsky

  I had a perfect fade!!! I had turned in time for years until the CO said that I could not turn in time unless I came to the meetings. I had always allowed the elders to come over as well. I was almost invisible, until I was OFICIALLY Inactive, after not turning in time. This despite never going to the hall in 4 or 5 years....

  Okay SouthCentral, I just don't get this. Sorry, it doesn't sound anything like a perfect fade to me.

  Were you doing field service for 4 or 5 years and never going to meetings in that time? That seems very odd to me. What kept you going out in service for so long? That doesn't sound like a fade. (And where did you get your magazines and publications from?)

  Or did you report FAKE hours for 4 or 5 years? If so, WHY???? What did you achieve by doing that? Who did you impress? Clearly nobody in the congregation since you weren't attending meetings for 4 or 5 years.
• 

  Black Sheep

  If you still have your partner and kids at home, you could try to be the last one out. That way you don't have to worry about fading/DF/DA, you can just walk free.

  You would need to do your homework on how not to set off the Apostate alarm bells though.

  It has been accomplished by members of this forum.