The trouble with fading as your leaving strategy

by eyesthatsee 41 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

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  OnTheWayOut

  Society admires those who have principles and make a stand, draw the line and fight for the truth. Like it or not, we are at war with the WT empire and faders will never earn the admiration of those who are fighting the public battle.

  I fully agree with Moshe. BUT.....

  ....I choose to let society not admire me. I choose to sit out the war and just live life with normal family interactions. I am not an entirely silent punching bag for the JW's in my life. They don't feel that I believe they have the truth just because I won't speak up. They appreciate that I am nearly silent about the doctrine to preserve family relations just as much as they are nearly silent for the same reasons.

  I appreciate those that fight the public battle. I hope my wife and mother come out and we can join them one day. Otherwise, sorry that I can only be a cheerleader in private.
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  Mad Sweeney

  It can be a lot of work especially if you have friends or family that are anxious about what you are doing and upset that your activity is slowing or stopped completely.

  Absolutely the hardest part for me, especially at the beginning.

  As for the view that fading is lying, so what? This cult promotes the principle that reprehensible people aren't worthy of the truth and the fade-lie turns that principle right on to them. I feel no moral compunction to be honest with the freaking borg.

  You become impotent and are reduced to creating hilarious fake Facebook profiles so that you can act out your passive aggression towards the Witnesses on Facebook (how many pages did that thread run to?) while real ex-JWs are going from door-to-door, toe-to-toe with the JWs handing out 'apostate' leaflets to householders. Only one of these actions has any real impact or effect; guess which one it is.

  I don't have to guess. Full frontal apostasy has just about NO positive impact on still "in" Dubs (quite the opposite at times, because it reinforces what they've been told by the borg). Subtle (call it passive aggressive if you like) means of raising doubts in some minds DOES have impact on Dubs. Your aggressive anti-Dub campaigning may help householders avoid becoming Dubs, which is a worthy cause, but for faders it is those who are still trapped by the cult who are our concern.

  Can't we respect that both faders and ex's are working to help two different sets of people in two very different ways? Going full-blown apostate abandons people we've got relationships with. Fading gives them a chance.
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  eyesthatsee

  Thanks for sharing your experiences and advice - good stuff and it helps alot.

  I knew of a former elder who half-way through a public talk explained that he couldn't believe such lies anymore - walked off the platform, out of the KH and never came back.

  Relatively young, no family ties in the cult and he started his new life quickly, without wasting his life - good for him.

  Most of us have far more complex situations and numerous family ties with 'brain-washed' dubs - I don't mean to be rude by using that phrase, since I was exactly that a few years ago.

  Therefore, careful planning and taking some time seems to be the best option for many - it is hard to bite your tongue when you hear the same lies over and over.

  However, if my fade takes too long then I'm just wasting my life - throwing years away by passively supporting a global publishing corporation.

  For me, one of the most positive things I have is an education. Even though a 3rd generation JW, I was able to get to university (after pioneering!) and eventually got a science degree and doctorate (what I could say about the creation book!). My heart goes out to all those who missed a proper education (a basic human right) because of this cult.

  In my job, identifying the best strategy, planning the way forward and implementing is exactly what I do. I need to apply this rigor and logic to my painful exit from this malicious religion. I have a milestone in my life of when my daughter leaves school (not too far off). When she does, then that's it - I stop the pretense and avoid the lot of them. I believe that my wife's love is entirely conditional on my being a JW, so we will probably separate when she knows I'm never coming back to the KH. A previous poster said that you need to be prepared in your mind to lose everything - your children, your partner, your so-called friends, your house etc - if you can face all that (i.e. the worst situation possible) and know that you can cope with it, then and only then put your plans into action. I'm less than a year away from putting my plans into action. I'm prepared to lose everything to break away from this religion. I hope to keep a relationship with my children, but know that my wife will do her best to make this difficult. So be it.

  Will keep you posted. Kind regards. ETS
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  OnTheWayOut

  It sounds like you are preparing yourself well. I have strong opinions, so do many others. In the end, it is only you (in my Smokie Bear voice) that can decide what must be done. Keep in mind that "fade" can mean different things to different people.

  Simple walking away all at once is an instant fade. Something a slight bit less dramatic is quitting meetings over a short time and just saying very little about reasons- "I am ...tired, ...depressed, ...just need a break." They get the idea that you are not coming back after awhile. Faders can receive shepherding visits and say little or they can just say "No thanks" (the more recommended safe way).

  Some need a little involvement, perhaps for family sake. While I couldn't stand that, it's an option that many choose. Some here that have burned their bridges and DA'ed or been DF'ed are attacking that kind of position. They want to know how someone who knows it is a lie can go to the occasional meeting or the Memorial or perhaps participate even more. They feel that you are not being true to yourself. I tend to agree, but who am I to decide what people should do to stay in contact with a loved one? Many people live a loveless marriage for their kids or to keep their word to their spouse. Many people refrain from telling the brother-in-law or their father-in-law or their sibling off about what they really think of them, just to keep peace in the family.

  All you can do is what you need to do. For me, I go to no meetings whatsoever. I won't debate my mother and wife unless they ask me questions. I will regularly try to reach the genuine person behind the cult personality (read Steve Hassan's RELEASING THE BONDS) but I try not to trigger the cult responses and try not to overwhelm them with anti-JW stuff. In the long run, seek your own peace. Don't think you have to take a certain path because of what others think.
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  Quirky1

  I've been on a fade for over two years...they don't mess with me and never will. Even thos it's been two years I don't quite feel right. I've been thinking the DA here lately, even tho I don not have to play by their rules, I hold off doing so because of family but that's it.
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  willyloman

  I see from some of the responses that self-righteousness and judgmentalism, the two traits we all took to heart when we were earnest dubbies, do not necessarily go away when some of us leave the organization.

  Which is too bad, since the single most important thing you can learn once you are away from that toxic atmosphere is: Everyone's mileage varies.
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  besty

  I agree that mileage will vary - hence the ongoing nature of this particular 'fading v clean break' debate.

  If you read my early posts on JWN you will see that we initially wanted to fade, having told our immediate family and friends our real reasons for not going back to the KH. Note - we didn't pull a sickie on this - we were honest.

  Some 4 months later we were DF'd for apostasy.

  And with hindsight that was the best outcome for us - we are free to be us. The JW's are out of my life and I apply a more rational filter to my choice of friends.

  "I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for what I am not"
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  flipper

  EYESTHATSEE- Good thread. I stopped attending cold turkey in late 2003 and some of my JW relatives ( mom & dad , older brother , some nieces & nephews ) respected my decision, but some JW relatives did not ( my 2 adult JW daughters , an older sister )- so it's been a mixed bag. But if I decided NOT to fade - I could not talk to my JW relatives in a DFed state or dissassociated state. So that's basically the reason I decide to stay fading.

  Also - If I am just an inactive fader I can try to use Steve Hassan's mind control exit strategies to make my JW relatives think and analyze things about the WT society. If I was DFed - I couldn't do that. So personally, I find more plusses than minusses in fading
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  Hiding Questioner

  Allow me to express my view point on fading. The key problem I see with fading is it causes people with doubts to believe that you still believe. In my case I stayed in far too long because I kept telling myself that all these smart people would not be in if it was not the truth. I wish so much that someone had taken me aside and told me the truth and "the Truth"! And, until I found this site, I was in total ignorance as to the extent of non believers. So, any smart person who is "in" is perhaps setting a "bad" example by staying in. Just my thoughts.

  HQ
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  Hiding Questioner

  Opps! I meant to say. "I wish so much that someone had taken me aside and told me the truth about "the Truth"!"