Would you be shattered if your mate had sex with someone else? Why? (page 6)

goldensky

That male brain is fun, Donny. I just sent it to my sister. I'd like to see the female brain now. I bet I'd crack up too!

Rabbit

Therefore, my question remains, "Why does sexual unfaithfulness break people's heart to that point when there are no feelings involved?"

I think...fear & jealousy...i.e. a person's marriage 'security' or that of the children's is at the center of it. They fear, possible loss of everything they have invested.

But, I think, too, besides what has already been said about 'religion, society, culture, sometimes even the law', affecting how we are 'supposed to feel', something may/may not be lacking in that relationship. And, being human, doesn't that make ALL of us lacking something? Whether it is just a good conversation, intellectual stimulation, physical attractiveness, physical stimulation or sex, etc. Can ALL of us possibly be ALL things -- even to our mates?

I don't think so.

To me - the BIG thing would be -- deception. Deception is what will loosen the relationship glue.

With me, now (post JW) I can be honest with my super non-jealous 'worldly' wife, not at all like the JW xwife. Someone mentioned how jealous they get if their man even looks at another woman, why? Why are people so scared of their man or woman appreciating a passing beauty? How many of us belong to the abnormally 'Beautiful People Club'? Not me. The abnormally beautiful are doing movies and TV, selling or modeling underwear, etc.

When we walk by or see nice bodies... just in the unlikely case I missed it, she points out to me "...did you see the the red-head?" And, I know how much she loves to see a nice shaped guy's butt, if I see one, I'll tell her where to look. That...is called confidence and trust.

Lastly, we always say, "my husband, my wife...", right? It almost sounds like we -- OWN -- the other one. We don't.

I think it should be up to each couple to be totally open-minded to one another. They should decide what is possible and acceptable in their own relationship. Deception will destroy that...

paul from cleveland

I want to post again on this thread because it strikes at the heart of an issue I'm going through now.

I feel guilt, now, for what I've done in the past. I don't know if I'd call it cheating but I do know I've hurt a lot of people.

In a nutshell, I fell deeply in love with more than one person at the same time. Three to be exact.

I didn't feel that I loved one over the other, I loved each with all my heart. I've always felt that love is infinite so there is not a limited quantity that has to be doled out in certain proportions. I gave my whole heart to all three.

They, of course, didn't feel that way. Each wanted an exclusive relationship but I just couldn't pick one to the exclusion of the others. I could never leave any of them.

Having one relationship is a lot of work. Having three was more than I could handle. I encouraged each one to form other relationships because that would remove some of the burden from me of caring for the emotional and sexual needs of three people. None of them wanted to do that, however, and became more and more jealous of each other as time went on. True to my Witness upbringing, I told them that their love for me must be lacking because "Love is not jealous". I told them if they truly loved me they wouldn't feel that way.

This turned out to be the biggest regret of my life. Doubting their love. I feel unimaginable guilt over this. I know now that each one truly does love me with all their heart also. Each one stayed with me and put up with this untenable situation. I reserve the greatest regret, however, for my first partner. The other two knew what they were getting into with me. The first one had to learn the hard way.

Eventually, number 2 and 3 left and found other relationships. They are happily involved with other people yet we remain very close to this day. Maybe even closer. My first partner, however, could never and can never get over the experience. We're still together, and I've been forgiven, but I can not forgive myself. As time goes on my guilt grows ever greater. I'm to the point now that I want to break up because I can't live with myself. I won't be the one to choose to leave, however, because that would make me feel even worse. Guilt is a horrible thing.

Anyway, that's where I am now. Wishing I could undo the past. Swimming in a sea of regret.

I hope this isn't too much information and I hope you don't think less of my now. I just felt if I couldn't open up here, what's the point?

Thanks for reading.

Robdar

No, I wouldn't be shattered. One of the best relationships I ever had was an open one. We really connected and there was, um, very little openess that actually occurred. When it did, neither one of us had a big enough problem that we didn't get over it. As a matter of fact, we are still friends. However, I never wanted to marry the fellow and that might be a reason I didn't mind too much.

paul from cleveland

oops, I forgot to the answer the question: No, I wouldn't be shattered. I'd welcome it. For the reason stated above.

goldensky

Dear Rabbit, I have loved your post. I fully relate to everything you said. I hate jealousy, I don't consider I own my husband any more than he owns me. He's fully devoted to me, too much for my independent spirit. Since I don't want a freak by my side, but a normal man -and to me normalcy means that my husband can find other women attractive-, I encourage that by pointing other women out to him -otherwise he won't even notice them- (friends of mine, girls at his workplace, women we cross in the street) and trying to get him to appreciate their attractiveness in different fields. I feel good when I get to arouse some interest in him for those other ladies, but he always ends up smiling and saying he likes me better. As for me, I have at least three male friends (one of them being my brother) and three female friends (my sister is one of them) with whom I can have far more meaningful conversations than with him. When any of them are around, he feels relieved from the hard chore of following my -to him- complicated line of thought and my probing questions. In the field of sex, he is a man with quite a strong sex drive, whereas me, at 49, would be quite content to be left alone for three days in a row (although I do my best to please him). It would be a real relief to me if he sometimes came home with his "homework" done. I know this will horrify practically everybody, but that's the way I feel. Yet he is a great husband and father and I'm glad he's the man I've chosen. Because that's what true marital happiness means to me: waking up every morning and deciding one more day he is the one I want to spend today with, in spite of his flaws and the voids and needs other men can fill better than him. And I want him to accept that I can find other men very attractive sometimes without feeling threatened.

I have to leave for a three-day long weekend. Love to everyone.

goldensky

Paul, thanks for sharing so much with us. I have to hurry now, but I'll be back to you, maybe by PM

White Dove

I'm a chick!

cyberjesus

Paul: the only regret you should have is not staying with the three girls at the same time. If you have enough love to give to three girls then go ahead and do so. Love as much as you can. You have nice memories now to remember. Hopefully there will be a time when you get to experience that again.

Would you be shattered if your mate had sex with someone else? Why?

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