So...Memorial tonight, eh? Yup. Sunday was a fun meeting. My wife talks to people as if I'm invisible. It's great. It's like...being a fly on the wall, except they're less likely to kill the fly if told to do so.
Oh, and Sunday I found out that my wife can now comment at the Watchtower study! This, not even a month after getting privately reproved. I can't help thinking, what the cuss? What was the point? "You're grounded for a month"? Apparently, serious sins aren't that serious, after all, in some cases. Or was that her reward for turning us in?
I feel angry about it. They will expel me for refusal to believe falsehood, but tap her on the wrist for fornication. I mean, I'm no more righteous than her, and she's no more righteous than them. It just seems, well, like an injustice. The more I think of it, the madder I get.
And what really fraks me up is that my wife goes to the KH and pretends to be a little angel, then bites my head off for every little thing at home. If this is all about showing love, then show it everywhere. Be the same person at home as you are at the KH. Supposedly, her example is to 'win me without a word', right? Where is that happening?
I don't want to sound like I'm complaining about my wife here. But I am, aren't I? It's just...I feel that I have been treated unfairly and that my efforts in her behalf are not appreciated. She doesn't have to work because of me. I've not pressured her to find work. I've allowed her to be at home and care for the baby and the home. Yet no matter what I do in the home, there is always something I haven't done--or haven't done according to her standards.
Even after explaining to her that I see no reason to continue attending the meetings, she nonetheless asked me to attend one meeting, then seems to have more or less assumed I wish to attend them all--when I clearly do not wish to attend ANY of them. I've allowed my boundaries to be trampled on. That's my fault.
The environment there is poisonous. I feel nothing but hate. Though I know those people are as blind as I once was, it still feels as though they do know exactly what they're doing and are proud of it. The elders, at least, know what they're doing, and are proud of it. If I were to hold someone accountable, personally accountable, it would be them as a body.
But this is like, the closest thing to Christmas until the convention for JWs. I don't want to cause problems right now. I've caused enough simply by doing what I thought was right.
And...maybe I am totally selfish. I must've been thinking only of myself when I started this relationship anyway. She deserved someone who shared her beliefs, and I didn't give that to her. I wanted freedom, and I believed she was worth giving up that freedom for...and then she sold me out at the first opportunity. I gave up my soul to get her back, and she has repeatedly made clear that I am not a priority for her. I might be #6 on her priority list, at best.
There is a growing movement in the Senate that believes such oppression is no different than the Society's and that I should break off its chains just as I did the chains of the cult. But I've already hurt her so much. I just...I don't want her to feel so messed up about this all the time, or to take out her frustrations on me. She got upset when I claimed she didn't love me, yet her treatment of me remains just as cold as it was before. And no, I'm not talking about the marital due (okay, so once in the past 50 days sucks, but that's not the issue here, 'cause love is more important to the survival of this relationship).
I guess...after having a long day and getting home just after 9, from going to the store in her behalf, she proceeds to lay into me about not cleaning the bathroom. Then goes into a spiel about how even though, growing up, her mom worked, 'she did her part' in cleaning and assigned chores to my wife, and 'if I didn't do it right, I'd have to do it again'. This said to me, "You're not doing your part in this household, and indeed, even if you do, it has to pass my quality assurance inspection or YOU'LL have to do it again." For one, it would be helpful to mention such matters on the WEEKEND, not during the work week, so I can deal with them when I have actual energy. For two, you're not living with your mother; you're living with me. We don't have to have some strict rules your mother made up in this home. Jobs are for those kinds of rules; at home, we treat each other with reason and cooperation, not 'I better be able to eat off of this floor, soldier!' mentality. Maybe in some homes, but that approach doesn't work for me.
And the irritating thing on top of that is, when I decide, hey, since you're so irked about, let me clean it right now, she practically YELLS at me to stop, to put back the cleaning supplies, because NOW, she doesn't WANT my help, just because I didn't appreciate the implications of her spiel about her mother's way of doing things. If I try to help because you reminded me to do something, then you don't WANT my help, don't bother complaining that nobody helps you!!!!
Thing is, I wash the dishes, take out the trash, sweep the floors, even watch the baby for her while she goes out in field service on Saturdays. Apart from being the sole provider and doing the grocery shopping. This, on top of accompanying her to meetings where I am treated as a non-person. And when the weekend comes, I barely catch up on rest before we have to go here, there, and everywhere, or babysit her cousin for entire weekends in a row--for free, on an income that can barely provide for 3 people.
My issue is that I DO help her. I don't expect a medal for that. What I also don't expect is to be blasted as if I'm doing nothing at all for her or in the household, which is a total lie.
I mean...I guess I expected this kind of treatment even before we got married, but at least there was some pleasure in the relationship, some passion, some feeling then. Though I've done as much as I could up till now, that part has been taken from me, because I refused to go along with religious beliefs I'm not even allowed to test or examine critically. I've been a good husband to her, and she admits as much. So why? Is it just to punish me for it all, for not sitting down and reading 'The Gentile Times Reconsidered' in front of her face instead of simply telling her my concerns about mind control and the improper use of DF'ing, like I did?
I can't go back to the religion. I thought there was something redeemable about it until the judicial committee and then the family inquisition. Now I'm more convinced than ever that this religion has more to do with Satan than with Jehovah God. Belief in men replacing belief in Jesus Christ as the paramount matter of importance is at best blasphemy and at worst idolatry. But that's what I was faced with. So I walked away, instead of bowing down.
The sad thing is, I care about her regardless of her beliefs. I want to believe that that's a two-way street, but she's not giving me much evidence to support that assertion. Yeah, she cooks and does plenty of cleaning and looks after the baby, but most of what I see her doing when I get home is, hi, here's dinner, let me go study the Watchtower, bye. I'm not at all downgrading the work she does--I admire her work ethic in the home. She does a lot. I WOULD give her a medal for it. But there's more to a home than keeping it clean or having dinner ready. Those are great things to do, but they don't replace warmth and companionship.
I know she cares, and I know she's hurting and feels very betrayed by me. Shall I spell it out for readers: THIS IS THE PART WHERE I TALK ABOUT HOW SHE FEELS INSTEAD OF HOW I FEEL. There. She has to deal with feelings of guilt regarding turning me in--and to be honest, I went ahead and entered her e-mail account and read HER e-mail since she decided to read mine. There, I found only a single admission of guilt feelings about turning me in to the elders. (Yeah, maybe it was a dirty thing to do, reading her e-mail, but people reading stuff that wasn't their business is what got us here, and unlike me, she had nothing 'incriminating' in her inbox. I've gotten into the morally gray areas since finding out about the Society; it's what I do.) She has to deal with taking care of the baby all day, the changing, the feeding, the keeping her out of trouble. I get that, and it's important to me that she does that. She's tired at the end of the day, same as I am. And maybe...maybe she feels that, because when she wakes up, I'm already gone to work, and I'm barely home for 3 hours before I start getting too sleepy to think, that I'm not helping her much at home. Maybe she does feel like I don't do anything.
I mean, I sit at a desk and there's not much going on at work sometimes; odds are I'd have never found out about being in a cult if it weren't for this job's idle time. It's not like I'm in a factory or something. And it's not like she sees how all the bills are paid, so that part of existence is basically irrelevant to her, I would imagine.
Add to that her association with those in the congregation. It is a certainty that she spends time talking to them about our marriage--perhaps as I spend time talking to you 'computer people who display characteristics similar to the Devil'. Knowing what the company line is about apostasy and DF'ing, and knowing (ironically) how the elders talked about her when she was DF'ed, I don't have to imagine the loads of crap being shoveled into her brain about me. Continuing to study the literature and all the venom it drips about 'apostates' may no doubt have solidified her perception of me as a person, as a husband. I don't exist as a Christian, to her. It goes without saying that that factors into how she treats me, how she feels about me.
So I understand. She doesn't have it easy, herself. I only wanted to make her happy, make her life easier. She's suffered so much in her life, been abused, fatherless, probably neglected by her mom, too. I thought...maybe I could give her some comfort in life, ease some of the pain. Instead, I've only caused more, because I only thought of myself. I wanted to be with her, but I knew all of this would happen. She didn't know. She couldn't have known. It's my fault.
It is hard to tell if leaving her would be better in the long run, or if there is hope to fix this. I don't know which is better for her sake. That's all I want, is what's better for her. I'd like to work on this. But she seems so unhappy with it, too, so angry, just as I am. At least she's got direction, even if it does come from the GB. All I've got are a bunch of DVDs and random reasons to blast the Society. What good is all that?
I probably need to talk to her more. I'm at work, though--yeah, it's that boring here--and I don't want to have any emotional phone conversations at work. We're just....we're not doing well. I don't know why she hasn't left me. I've given her every reason to. I would be very sad if that happened, but I don't seem to know how to stop it. She did threaten to leave once, not that long ago, in the midst of all the trouble I caused her, told me...I'd never be able to find her once she left. Not being accustomed to normal relationships, I ask, is that abuse, emotional blackmail, or is that just....justifiable reality? Wish I knew.
I'm a screw-up as a husband and stepfather. I'm probably as selfish as they come, and by the Society's logic, I'm just perfect for the 'apostate' label. I'm not really the kind of person that would want to break up his family over some dumb doctrinal crap. If I can just...take it, go with her to these meetings and accept the evil hidden behind their smiles....if that would keep her from leaving me, I'll be at every meeting. But I can't get reinstated, or else...what if she found out I didn't really believe in it, even then? I'd just hurt her even more. The best I can do is hang onto whatever threads I can find. But it feels like the love that we shared has been murdered, and we're....just rotting along with it.
Jehovah's Witnesses break up families. I had to finally say it. Without any qualifications to it. They break up families. Their propaganda divides homes and turns them into battlefields without even so much as a fair trial for the evidence or for the accused. It is an abomination against Christianity and does not deserve the right to exist. It is a perversion of religious freedom, an abuse of the very meaning of the term.
Meantime, the Memorial is tonight. Jesus will feel so proud.