Just remember that as an active/good standing JW that she can't divorce you except for adulteryand death. If she decides to DA then you might be in trouble. For the time being she is stuck with you. If she tries to divorce you on other grounds you she may get DF'd. She has probably contimplated divorce but if she doesn't want to lose her precious position she'll think twice.
sd-7's whining session 3-30-2010
by sd-7 66 Replies latest jw friends
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Black Sheep
Just remember that as an active/good standing JW that she can't divorce you except for adulteryand death.
Rubbish.
That is her choice. Anything bad that happens to her as a result of her choice to blindly follow the teachings of a cult that she knows has some doctrinal problems, is a result of her choice.
To say that Christopher is responsible for the results of her choices as a cult member is emotional blackmail.
Leave that for the cult members to do to each other. There is no call for doing that among ourselves.
Cheers
Chris
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TheOldHippie
Giving details about the marital problems and whining about how awful one's wife is - I understand that you fell, like most of us regretfully do, that oneself is the centre of the entire Universe, but these intimate whinings - why don't you DO something in stead of sounding like a selfish little spoilt child.
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BabaYaga
Sd-7 said:
Thing is, I wash the dishes, take out the trash, sweep the floors, even watch the baby for her while she goes out in field service on Saturdays. Apart from being the sole provider and doing the grocery shopping. This, on top of accompanying her to meetings where I am treated as a non-person. And when the weekend comes, I barely catch up on rest before we have to go here, there, and everywhere, or babysit her cousin for entire weekends in a row--for free, on an income that can barely provide for 3 people.
Good lord! Uhm... you do a lot. She doesn't appreciate you. I have to agree with Snowbird, here.
Look, I know there are always at least three sides to every story, but I have to tell you, from where I'm standing, she needs to show you some love, tenderness, and appreciation. What is her damage?
It's my fault.
No, it isn't.
I'm a screw-up as a husband and stepfather.
No, you're not.
It takes two to make a relationship, and it sounds like only one of you is working on it. To be fair, I'm sure she feels unappreciated too... but she really needs to wake up to how lucky she is to have someone as supportive as you.
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Life is now
To TheOldHippie. That is interesting I think it is the other way round, that the centre of Sd-7's life is his wife and not him.
Sd-7 if you learn how to love and respect yourself you will deal with your wife differently and give her the love and respect she needs too, and then you will not indulge in this subservient behaviour towards her. (I've been there, done that. Takes one to know one.)
Either way I agree with TheOldHippie that you need to do something. I eventually calmly stood my ground and after initial mayhem all turned out well. Hopefully then as BabaYaga says, your wife will wake up too, not only to appreciating you, but also to seeing the truth about the organization.
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Witness 007
Sounds like my wife....bit of a control freak who finds it hard to show love due to bad childhood......hard work Mate I fully understand....but how much do you love that person? Are you willing like me to live with it?
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JRK
If my wife would talk to me about cleaning the bathroom in that manner, I would feel compelled to promptly piss in the sink. Then again, I am divorced.
JK
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carla
If she stays home with the baby why are you doing all these chores around the house? You go to work and do your job, her 'job' is the home and kid right? I can understand helping out a bit but sounds like you have a regular chore list like one would give their teenagers. I stayed home with my kids and knew other moms who did the same and all of us felt our job included the chores around the house and did not expect the husband to come home and do more work after putting in 8+ hours of work a day. Emergency fixes (plumbing, etc.) that we could not do obviously needed the husbands attention when he got home. Helping out is one thing, chore lists are yet another. When both work outside the home it is a completely different story. Yardwork too is something different and most guys don't mind this once a week chore as long as everybody helps out with raking and other odd jobs.
Don't jw mothers teach their female children that if they stay home with the kids their job is the home? (which includes grocery shopping, asking spouse to pick up diapers, milk, etc... on the way home is not the same as big shopping) Not to hit the working spouse over the head with all the little problems of the day when they first walk in the door?
She cries and yells? yeah so? either she will get over her little tantrum or she won't. Eventually she will come around because she will need something from you. I dunno, my jw was never affected by tears and this was from becoming a jw, previously if we ever had a fight that resulted in tears he did feel bad and (we both) tried to communicate better and we eventually resolved any issue. Though those were few and far between in our life before he joined the cult.
My theory is to never ever give a jw any sense of false hope, never go to a meeting, never accept jw literature, never accept the NWT as a real bible and if you act like their going to a meeting is just fine and dandy they merrily go along thinking you accept the jw's message and you simply can't live up their 'high' standards in life, have authority issues, not enough faith, too lazy to make such a 'commitment' or whatever, pick your arrogant reason, either way they go along with their superior attitude and get to feel persecuted. Oh yay! aren't they spiritual! Not only are they persecuted at home but they live with an outright or near apostate and they get all the sympathy at the kh.
Ever ask your jw how they would feel if you joined say the Wiccans or some other 'scary' group that took up all your time and how they would feel? How would they react? How would they feel knowing that the new group was top on your list above them?
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Quillsky
Gut instinct:
Leave your spoilt wife.
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sd-7
Giving details about the marital problems and whining about how awful one's wife is - I understand that you fell, like most of us regretfully do, that oneself is the centre of the entire Universe, but these intimate whinings - why don't you DO something in stead of sounding like a selfish little spoilt child.
Actually, I do not believe I am the centre of the entire Universe. I'm just a man who is interested in fair and equal treatment in his life. And sometimes, there are those of us who, particularly lacking in people to talk to about issues, turn to, well, computer people who display characteristics of the original apostate, Satan the Devil, to bounce ideas off of them. Doing something is usually the end result of a thought process, at least in important decisions. So strictly speaking, I am doing something.
If I was a selfish, spoiled child, I would've thrown her out sometime ago instead of wanting to find a way to make it work. That's what a person interested only in himself would do. I sure as cuss wouldn't be wasting time doing diddly for her if I was as selfish as you imply. Frankly, I wondered if I was, but it's just hard to reconcile with reality.
I'm seeing a lot of conflicting advice here, and I think probably I've crossed the line once more into the real of 'too much information'. So...I'm thankful most of the responses have been extremely helpful. I'm not going crazy, after all, there is something wrong here and it's not just me. Which begs the question, if everybody said, yeah, you are selfish, sd-7, would I be as thankful? No, I'd be sad to think I was right in feeling guilty.
I don't believe in backing out of the situation--what I plan to do is find ways to properly establish and defend my boundaries in the relationship, if it's possible. That in itself will bring it to a head one way or the other, I think.
Leaving her would be the quick and easy path. But I volunteered for this because it looked insanely impossible. If I quit because of that, I'll be going against my vow and my duty and the love I held onto for 5 years and still hold onto.
I want to apologize again for talking about these things here. I'm still lacking close friends on the outside, but I'm working on building connections a little at a time. I'll try harder to keep such matters off the Internet and inside my head, where they belong.
Sorry again. Take care.