by tec 58 Replies latest social family
There are many good anti-bullying programs out there that use per reinforcement to help bullies and those being bullied.
I meant "peer".
Jamieblowers - I had him in Martial arts for a while; but he just seemed so focused on his anger, and the rage was so clear on his face, that it scared me.
That may have more to do with the instructor than the student, so revisiting the idea may be a good thing.
Some great advice has been given on this subject.
I hope you and yours will soon be over this, Tammy.
Sylvia
Maeve, thank you so much for taking that time to share all of that. I love the eight cardinal attributes, too. Sometimes I think perhaps I'm teaching him the right things, but I'm just teaching them the wrong way. The cheating at games - I've really only told him how wrong it is. Never thought to tell him just how generous it is to let others win sometimes.
Good points to consider.
Whatever else tell the truth
We had this nailed for a couple of years; after tackling the lying issue from when he was younger. For a while, he was honest to the point where he fessed up to starting things with other kids... even when no one was questioning him. He could be trusted, and both me and his teachers praised him on his honesty.
That's since taken a dive, but I totally agree with you. People will give an honest person another chance, even when they've done wrong, far faster than they'll bother with a dishonest person.
I told him that as long as he lies, he has twice as much to worry about. First, getting caught for whatever he may have done wrong, and second, getting caught lying about it.
Thank you everyone. I rarely stay down about things for long, but I need to keep my concerns upmost in mind; so I don't slack off when I think everything is going well.
We're in this for the long haul, but I have my stamina back after yesterday's slump.
One more suggestion.
I print out quotes like the one from Carver, and tape them to the back door. Every morning, everyone must walk up to the door as they are going out. I don't say anything, just post them. Each has a positive message. I change them about every two weeks.
Every once in a while someone in my family will comment, so I know they are read.
We can never get enough positive reminders to help us to be the kind of person we should be, and strive for greater things.
Great idea Quandry..I think I'll try that.
Tec, I've have a funny story for you....
We had our boys enrolled in an expensive private school ( pre junior High)...There was a bully torturing my older son, and my husband told him, just punch him out. Well, the opportunity arose, and my son followed through.
Who was called in?.....MY HUSBAND! We still laugh about it to this day. The staff took him to task, and also talked to my older son, but my husband was the one who took the heat! The bully never bothered with my son again.....which was my husband's point.
My boys are now 23 and 26....the older 6'1 and the younger 6'5. They've had a few more altercations over the years....just expect it. My boys are known for their patience and then absolute crazy tempers if need be. No one messes with these Irish boys.
It's normal for boys to be boys!!!!! There isn't any way around the testosterone! Believe me, ....I grew up with all brothers, and raised all boys.
r.
Tammy, yesterday I was getting my hair done and my hairdresser was telling her about her friend who's 11 year old son was getting bullied at school. His parents repeatedly called the school to try to get it stopped even threatening to sue them. Her son was scared and anxious and one day as he was walking home 6 boys jumped him and beat him up. He came home the parents of course were livid. He told his parents he couldn't take it and if he had to go back he was going to kill himself, AT 11!! This subject just gets me riled because it's so senseless. Anyways his parents pulled him out and put him in a private school, which is going to cost a lot for a mom that works at Pizza Hut! And the other boys are in school!
You may have to put him in private school, not that the same thing can't happen there. Don't even get me started on our school systems! There are just so many recent stories of kids taking there own life because of this. And like my friend was saying yesterday, bullying is on a tech level now with FB and MS and cell phones computers etc........How are these kids expected to go to school and learn anything when they are scared! I hate this subject! How is your son doing?
Quandry- I love your ideas. I'm going to do this one too.
Restrangled - I love the story. My husband's solution would have been the same; but he just wasn't very involved until things escalated to the point where my son threatened suicide. And I was focused on my work at the time, and my own problems, and never saw the seriousness of what was happening either. I could write the fighting off as boys being boys, but not the depression and fury that come with it. Due to our own ignorance (mine and my husbands), we're at a whole different stage. Thankfully, I have a second chance to fix things.
Awildflower - The school systems are awful, I know. Some of the teachers are really good, and most of my sons have been, but some of them just don't care. (Don't get me started on his old and bitter grade one teacher. I swear she would have been happier as a nun caning students) My son is doing better today. Laughing and playing with his brother. I think he's calmer just to know that I'm taking it seriously, that I cared enough to get us back into counseling immediately - which he likes. I think it also helped hearing about the stories that everyone here has posted. So he doesn't feel so alone and 'broken' from the way that he is feeling. Thanks for checking on us.
Tammy
Hello Tammy,
Sorry about your predicament. I'm glad you and your son are doing better. So many wonderful suggestions from everyone. It's so nice to see the networking here. Parenting is the HARDEST job ever and I believe the least respected job in society. Mix that in with being a preteen and teen which is a very hard time for the young person. Homeschooling can definitely work well. My son has never been to school and is extremely social with all age groups. I did not homeschool because of religion - I did it because of the school system. I took him everywhere with me from when he was very young and so he met so many people and could handle many situations that he would not have been exposed to had he been in school. School does not equal good socialization skills - as can be seen by the bullying and many other behaviors. If you do choose to homeschool please know that you can do it and it might give him the needed break away from kids. There are lots of resources to help you out. If you have any questions - please ask and I will be happy to give you some suggestions.
I highly recommend the book Hold on To Your Kids - Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers, by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate.
I wish I had read that book many years ago. It should be included in the care package for newborns. It explains why kids do what they do from a neurological standpoint and the different stages of brain development. It not only helps us to understand our children but it helps us to understand ourselves and why we do what we do. The suggestions given are excellent. It explains and addresses bullying, self-mutilations and all sorts of issues including lying. It points out that UNCONDITIONAL love is the key. I think I need to go and reread it myself - especially considering all the religious turmoil in my house!
I wish you all the best - you are doing a wonderful job!
Sending you hugs
Hadit
Here is something for you to think about.
Go to some local martial arts studios in your area. They are usually pretty quiet during the day. Tell them you are thinking of enrolling your son because of, and then tell them your problem. Speak to the instructor(s). Tell them you want your son to be able to defend himself, but you also want him to not be the bully, but to be confident.
They may be able to help you out.
Judge Dread
