Dearest Tec... the greatest of love and peace to you, dear one!
I am sorry to hear of your family's challenges. I will keep you in my prayers, of course. I would also like to offer some suggestions that may or may not be easy for you, depending on where you live, your time, and your, well, I'll just say it... your "status." You indicate that your son has issues with self-esteem. Often times that is the result of the individual feeling like the "lowest of the low." I tried to combat this with my kids a number of way, three of which I want to share with you:
1. I spent a LOT of time with them. Not superficial, okay-we're-in-the-same-room/car/house-what-more-do-you-want/need" time. It was one on one... or them and me... time. Nobody else ('cept maybe the ex, and I do say maybe). Saturday afternoons where usually theirs. I stayed abreast of my community's school district and Parks & Rec programs... and things going on at the JCs/colleges/universities... anything that was FREE... and took them to every one I could. Free theater, free symphony/concerts, free movies/film school presentations, etc. If it was free... we were there. Regardless of whether the ex came along or not (you can probably guess he didn't often). And I didn't take my girlfriends and their kids along (which the GFs often requested) because it was our time (me/kids) and I didn't want to mess with that. I planned stuff with the girlfriends and/or their kids other times (say, Sunday, after meeting).
I would also just show up at school and take one of them "to lunch." Nothing fancy - usually Subway or something like that. Or brought them lunch and "hung out," say, in the car. They loved that! I would tell my boss I needed the day/few hours, whatever, as I had a "personal" or "family" matter that required my attention. I LIKED my kids (still do!) and so would rather spend time with them with almost anyone else... and certainly than at my desk. So, I often used my personal/vacation/sick to spend a day/few hours with one or both of them. We "played [full-day] "hookey" on several occasions and I would take them to see that movie they wanted, rather than waiting until Saturday. Best seats, always!
2. I always took them to do some kind of something with/for someone who wasn't as well off as we were (and very early on, we were poor, really poor) or who needed help. If I volunteered at the KH for, well pretty much whatever - I volunteered for almost everything (though I was "supposed" to) - I also volunteered them. So, as JWs, we were always among the ones who visited the sick, elderly, etc., fixed meals, brought over groceries, joined the "cleaning" crew at the assemblies, etc. Did they always like it? Nope. But... I kept them so "busy" doing non-paid work that they didn't have time to reflect on what they weren't, didn't have, couldn't do, etc.. (and the time after Saturday field service was "theirs" so they didn't feel like they missed out/were deprived).
As a result, they both started working really young (girl at 12; boy at 14 - which wasn't a problem for me because I came from/spent my summers "down south" on my grandparent's farms... where everybody worked. Period. You picked everything: tomatoes, peaches, corn, cucumbers... tobacco - ewwwwwww!!). When they got older my son worked (and does still) kids, both at-risk inner city, and rural; my daughter worked in the children's ward of the local mental hospital for six months, which she says changed her life (she said once she realized what happened to the kids that came through that place, she would never take her life for granted again).
In other words, try to find/arrange situations where your son can help someone else because that will raise his self-esteem and give him a little character (the whole, "more happiness in giving" premise). Maybe he can tutor some elementary school kid(s), or help an elderly neighbor, teach some kid how to swim, whatever. The goal is to show him that no matter HOW bad he has it... someone else has it worse (to some extent).
3. Many times, I would discuss their day with them right when they went to bed, after which I would play soft, low-volume classical music for them to fall asleep by. They're not into that genre now, but both say it helped them unwind, shake off the day, and fall to sleep pretty quickly. They didn't have "bad" dreams and pretty much always woke up ready to go to school/field service. I did this because sometimes I was beat after MY day (or the ex had worked my nerves silly!), and just wanted all of us to relax. To this day, my daughter says that when she's out of sorts, she plays classical music to go to sleep.
I am not a psychologist, of course, by no means, dear one, but just a mom (hey, Kimmie! ). I know my tricks probably won't work for every kid and/or or in every case. But they did work for me. My kids had just as "stressful" a childhood as the next, trust me... but I did everything I could to "calm" it down some. And that's what I believed worked. I worked to be the calm in their lives... and the one who introduced them to calming situations. To this day they both thank me for it because they know how to "deal" with stress... how to stay calm... and joyful... and not let "life" get to them to the point they can't handle it or themselves.
I cannot take full credit, of course, because I DID pray about all of these things... and still do. I would ask and then listen to the "voice" that I now know is our Lord as to what to do. I knew that I would not just "know" how to be a mom by reading some book - kids are individuals, unique, as we all are. So, I asked for guidance and the one thing I ALWAYS heard... was to make them FEEL secure and peaceful, no matter what. Even if the situation wasn't. I didn't hide anything from them - I explained it, but in a way that let them know either that it was MY problem to fix, not theirs, or how they could resolve something going on with them. But I never yelled at them or raised my voice. I said what I had to say in the same voice I pretty much said everything else (that's why I get a little bent out of shape when someone accuses me of [yelling] at them... which doesn't happen often but ticks me off when it does. True, I might give someone what my daughter calls "a professional FU" (where you never lose your dignity - think Julia Sugarbaker with a cup of Suzanne Sugarbaker)... but I have never raised my voice or yelled at anyone in my life. My voice can't even do that.
And so that is my final piece of advice, which I probably don't need to give YOU: never... never... ever... yell at your kids. They don't deserve it. We don't like it when someone yells at us and it really is hypocritical to do such to others, even our own children, if we don't want it done to us. And hug them often. They really do like that - they just don't like to admit it.
And that's it. Long post, yeah, I know, but not as long as Dr. Spock's baby book - LOLOL!. Also, I think you know that's "me" by now. I have a soft place for kids in my heart and "out of the heart's abundance"... well, I very often pour out my heart... so what can I say. Except may JAH bless... you and your dear son... may His loving kindness and mercy... and the love and peace of His Son and Christ, the Holy One of Israel, my Lord... be upon you both.
Your servant and a slave of Christ,
SA
