I have been lurking on this site and others for a couple of years now, and I feel it is time to step out and say "Hello!" When I first began investigating my beliefs, it was innocent enough. I had been reading an article on Scientology, thinking; "Wow, these people are just plain nuts!!!" but then thought "Hey, wait a minute...this sure does sound familiar. Am I this crazy?" It was the incredible amount of information control that really got to me, and I figured if there is nothing to hide, an investigation can't hurt. I spent hours reading posts on this site, JW Facts, and even Six Screens. (Six Screens was quite "evil apostate" looking, I'm glad it has been toned down a little) I was serving as an MS at the time and knew I was on track to become an elder soon. I shared with my wife that I was having some doubts about the organization, and it absolutely crushed her. I did not want my marriage to end, so I did my best to forget what I had learned and focus on 'making the "Truth" my own." It was amazing how quickly she forgot that anything was ever wrong so long as I appeared to be faithful. I was appointed an Elder within a couple of months of that happening, which was the surest sign for me that appointments are NOT made by Holy Spirit.
I have never felt quite the same since this journey began. Once you've seen the man behind the curtain, it's just impossible to believe in the Wizard any longer. A few weeks ago I confessed to my wife that the doubts have not gone away, and tried to share several of my concerns, such as the UN/NGO affiliation, unbiblical stance on blood, flip-flopped new light, and you know the rest. This time it really scared her, so she and her parents arranged an intervention to "snatch me out of the fire". (BTW, my in-laws are in the same congregation and my FIL is on the elder body with me) I love and respect my wife and her family, and I did not want to come off as an argumentative apostate, but they just refuse to listen to reason. So I listened respectfully to their concerns and counsel and told them I would consider matters deeply and prayerfully. Since then they have been very active in ecouraging us to go in FS with them and have been coming over for a family WT study every week. I have kept my mouth shut since the intervention, and again, everyone's happy so long as we are keeping up appearances of the perfect JW family. I feel so stupid because it seems I have driven my wife deeper into the brainwashing. So now I'm faced with the most difficult decision of my life. I could continue on like this indefinitely just hoping that something wakes my wife up. That would at least keep the family together and relatively happy. However, I have 2 small children, and nothing scares me more than knowing that I could allow them to be placed in the same situation I am in now. I want them to be free and happy. It's so hard though, because I feel I have nothing to offer in exchange for the witness delusion. The WT has my wife, both sets of loving grandparents, and the promise of everlasting life with pet Lions. "Poor Daddy has been tricked by Satan, but if we stay faithful, maybe someday he'll come back." HOW DO I COMPETE WITH THAT?????
Thank you all for taking the time to read my ramblings. I wanted to type the perfect introduction, well thought out and organized, but I finally have reached the point where I just have to get things off my chest and put it out there. I hope to be able to share more in the near future.
AD