Hey Franklin, your post is bringing back bad recent memories!
You describe a lot of the feelings and situation I went through a couple of years ago. We were in a very small cong., and had been asked to go there because they really needed help. Sometimes I would and up doing most of the parts that required a "brother" on the school and service meeting. Like you described, everyone noticed if we weren't there.
It got to be harder and harder to do public talks (like you said, being hack stuff out of talks to make them only 30min. did help a bit). Other parts, I had a little more control over, like instruction and bible highlights, they were a little easier. What started to become very difficult was reading the Watchtower! Especially articles with GB worship etc., I literally choked through some these passages.
Conducting bookstudies was ok, because I could control the direction that things went.
Eventually, I just couldn't do it anymore. We went back to the cong that we had been in. That made it a little easier, but my "condition" kept getting worse. After about a year and a half I resigned as an "elder", not specifically for that reason but it contributed. This eased things up but by now I was seriously stressed just having to sit there and listen to untruth. Interestingly, reading directly from the bible was the only thing that didn't bother me.
I really think I was headed for a heart attack, because of the extreme feelings that I was having. This process took about four years or so, going from being completely comfortable and relaxed on stage (even at assemblies), to not being able to even sit in the audience.
I'm so happy not to have to do any of that anymore. I really wonder if I could have survived another six months of that.
At first I was frustrated because I couldn't control those feelings and fake it any longer. My conscience just wouldn't let me anymore.
I'm so glad not to be contributing to and living the lie!
