I briefly flashed by this discussion, and got stuck here. Let me share my experience. Perhaps it will give a different thought to all the discussion here:
I was 20 yrs old and newly married. I hated being married to my husband he and I both were cruel to each other. I had married him on the rebound after my Lost Love from High School had joined the Navy back in 1968 and went off to the Vietnam war. I had known my husband off and on for about 3 years. I don't believe we ever loved each other when we married but felt that somehow we were suppose to get married just because. So in 1970 we did. And it was disastrous. I was involved in occult practices, he into football, basketball, and sports of all kinds usually on TV. I wanted to divorce him and planned on leaving him.
Well one day he begins talking of JW's, he worked with someone who had studied with them but never got baptized. He got us a bible and a "Truth that Leads to Everlasting life" book. We both read the book, and since we were not involved in a religion at the time, the book impressed us. We made drastic changes. I quit the occult, he quit all the sports stuff. We also saw that perhaps they could teach us how to be married, and like each other. We started studying with a very nice ideal couple. Studied for 8 months, we cleaned up our act and worked on showing each other consideration. Though it was nothing more than going through the motions, eventually it began to feel better, and both of us felt happier. And we had found a common goal serving as JW's. We picked up and moved where the need was great, hoping to have me pioneer. Actually I always enjoyed field service, I loved people.
For 7 year our life was pleasant. The feelings of perhaps not being 100% emotionally there for each other was put on the back burner. We rarely emotionally made connection on anykind of loving level. We were going through the motions, and for then that wasn't bad, just not entirely fulfilling. We had been married by then 10 years.
Then a problem arose. My husband who was by then an Elder, had developed a strong feeling of love for the wife of a couple in the cong. we were close friends with. We were close and did lots of things together. We even went to clubs sometimes to dance and a pleasant evening. All ok, and not interacting with worldly people only with each other. We all felt spiritually balanced. I could in time sense the connection between my friend and my husband. I can't say I felt jealous, but more betrayed by them both. They were not suppose to allow their feelings expression. Wasn't the heart wicked? It ended up with them almost engaging in adultery. My husband went to the Elders and confessed. I knew in my heart this was not going to be repairable. But we stayed together. He and she were publicly reproved. She remained with her husband. Then my husband started smoking, not going to meetings. He said he was in love with her and it all was unbearable. He was disfellowshipped. He became involved with girls at work sexually. Again he confessed to me, I talked to the Elders, and the encouraged me to remain with him, as God hates divorcing. That was 1982. We stayed together and I kept going to meetings, trying to live with a man who didn't love me but because of his believes remained with me too. Both of us being strongly influenced to keep the marriage intact, regardless of the hurt it caused. He falls in love with someone else, we separate, she ends up killing herself. I being his loyal friend and sister felt sorry for him. I had hoped he would just be with her and then I would be free too. But with her dead, he depressed and suicidal, I went back to him when I became pregnant with our first child after 13 yrs of marriage.
We worked very hard trying to go through the same motions we did in the beginning of showing love for each other neither of us felt. After our 2nd son was born he was reinstated just before our 2nd son was born. We had in time 3 sons. He again got involved with a girl at work. His misery again so evident, but no adultery this time and he broke it off. He worked so hard to love me and he couldn't.
So after the last instance. I realized I was tired of beating my head against the wall, and I told him when our sons were grown I would leave him. He said nothing. He didn't try to change my mind. That was around 1993 and was at the time caring for both my elderly parents and our three very young children. I was busy and put my needs and cares away to be dealt with at a later date. In 1998 my mother died, my children were bigger now. My mother a witness, had told me not to remain in an unhappy marriage, that life was too short before she died. My misery apparent to her. My husband had come to hate my gained weight from 3 pregnancies, constant negative comments about me. The emotional abused grew more intense. I know he felt as trapped as I did but he wouldn't say it. I came to feel the WTS had locked us together in a dance I hated. I began not bear the idea that I would be going into the New System with this man who come to dislike me so much. I wanted to live alone, and have no pressures or feelings of hatred directed at me day in and day out. Our WTS teachings was failing us and we didn't know what to do. Jehovah was no comfort, and my prayers for endurance did not seem to help. I felt abandon by my God.
It was in 1999 my Lost Love from high school came back into my life through Classmates.com. We had not seen or heard from each other in 30 years. The love we had, that special chemistry we had was still there. How could that be after 30 years? After talking to him viva the internet and phone we realized we wanted to spend what ever years we had left in live being together. I told my husband 1 1/2 years before I left him that I was going to leave him and be with my Lost Love. He laughed, he said I wouldn't. He didn't believe me.
Again 6 months before I left I told him I was leaving, still he didn't believe I could do it. He did have me talk to Elders, and they were sympathetic, but said I must stay with my husband that he loved God. I told them I could not. They explained if I left with this man I would be disfellowshipped. I said I knew that. My husband did work on being kinder during that time, at the direction of the Elders. It did not change my mind. He even insisted in talking to my Lost Love, thinking if he did he would go away. He implied when he talked to him that I was living in a fantasy world, and that I was not quite right in the head. It angered my Lost Love and he told my husband he loved me now, and had always loved me, and nothing could change that. My husband was angry. And I was angrier still at him making me out to be mentally sick. Telling me how I was turning my back on Jehovah's direction. I told him that direction was not working anymore, and hadn't in 18 years.
Then my 15 year old son was killed in an auto accident when he was going out with friends from the KH after the meeting. I wanted to die, never have I known such physical pain and heartache. But my Lost Love called me several times daily , and his soothing love kept me from just killing myself. Plus I had my other two sons to be there for. I knew then I could endure my life with my husband no longer. I had planned on leaving when my youngest one was graduating from high school, 6 years from then. My LL and I could wait. But having my son die, changed the level of tolerance for the situation. 4 months later I left my husband. I told him at the District convention of 2001. He still didn't believe I could do this to Jehovah. I offered no answer, just doggedly held my position. I knew my continued life depended on my leaving. This marriage was killing me slowly. My sons were of course upset, but I made it clear to them I was leaving their father and I was not leaving them. I gave them the choice to go with me or stay with their Dad. Because it had been their home for all their life plus school, friends, and all that was familiar they stayed with him. My oldest son was already inactive. My youngest was forced to attend meetings. I was disfellowshipped the day I flew out to be with my Sweetheart.
It has now been 10 months almost and my sons have regular visits with me since I moved back 7 months ago to be near them. As soon as my divorce is final my beloved and I will marry. Life with him is so different, so good. I can feel the love from him, and that is something I never felt before from my husband. And I love him dearly. He is a jewel of a man to me and my sons.
The witnesses teachings on marriage kept my marriage together for 30 years. It is good? Well some of that time was pretty good, but the majority of it was so hard. I had my beloved children and am glad I stuck it out to have them. But a the same time I feel I missed being with my beloved Lost Love those 30 years. He had looked for me over the years and I had tried looking for him two different times when my marriage was so bad. Everything I have lived and experienced is part of who I am today, good and bad. I have no desire to ever return to the JW's life style, and know it would be a terribly long time anyway before they would let me back. There are some teachings I still value doctrine wise. But I know the WTS has held a strangle hold over keeping my feelings and life down to the standards set by them. I feel a freedom now I have not know in over 30 years. I am glad to have the old me back.
There are noblack and white to what we experienced while being witnesses, or being out. But mostly everything is shades of gray. Black and white thinking of everything of either everything being all correct, or all wrong is cult thinking. And life is simply not like that. We need to take what is good that we feel we benefited from and discard the bad parts. And sometimes it is just a mixed bag, and that is how I feel.
I hope my story will show that amac, and all the other posters are correct in their thinking. Remember nothing is all bad or all good. Amac parents have been fortunate that the love they had for each other was benefited by the witnesses teachings. And it does show that people applying some good family standards can help a foundering couple who love each other.
Balsam
