What is your standing in a congregation if you're a man of 40 and never married? (page 6)

blondie

Could be he masturbates alot............

SEeing JW culture and a worldy culture, JW women are very desperate. They don't develop their own lives b/c of the Witnesses. All their self-esteem is bundled with being a wife. Yet when my parents married in the late 40s, under KNorr's leadership, no one would talk to them in the KH. My father just left Bethel. Until KNorr married, a Bethelite marrying was seen as a Judas. The times were short. Marriage distracted from field service. Rutherford's view of women still reigned. Women were harlots. a hank of hair.

They did not exhchange rings. My mom wanted to wear a ring badly. She was forced to buy her own. I want to cry when I hear the details. Housing was rare b/c of WWII.

Most churches endorse marriage as a proper state. Jesus showed his approval in his first miracle at Cana. Yet disdain is showered on those who marry. Marriage is hard enough for anyone in society. My mom was no Cinderella. Her specail dress had a dog motif. As a little girl, I cried over the nonCinderella wedding.

moshe

Some brothers might have fantasy addictions and are socially/mentally unable to leave home. They would be a single older mature guy even, if they weren't JWs.

jgnat

I've watched a couple. They were randy, cranky, and ambitious. They cruised the congregations and assemblies with purpose and neither remained single long.

SirNose586

Moshe, is it bad that I know this guy was playing Halo? Is it even worse that I'm pretty sure the name of the level he's playing is "Assault on the Control Room"? Lol

LongHairGal

BANDONTHERUN: I am touched by your story about your parents and the opposition they faced by these UNNATURAL idiots! I am surprised some of these men didn't castrate themselves like the people who followed that guy in that cult with the comet. I also met a few guys who gave off the impression that women were 'harlots'. You just couldn't win with these oddballs if you are a woman. Too many guys there had serious issues and quite frankly that was NOT my problem. Glad I no longer have to be exposed to this craziness.

dgp

I wonder if some of those Romeos who didn't marry "in the Lord" had or have secret relationships with Juliets they shouldn't be seeing. I am sure more than one had a broken heart over someone he didn't marry because he shouldn't. Or because she wouldn't convert.

As to their being gay, it wouldn't surprise me if some were, but I guess the experience of Catholics with priests and nuns is more than exemplary in this sense. So many men and women became priests and nuns because that was the socially acceptable way to stay unmarried. Throughout history, so many became priests and nuns (yep, that too) because they desperately wanted an education and the Church was their way to get it, and then keep getting it.

I'm sure we all know of men and women who marry to hide their homosexuality. I personally met a couple where both partners were obviously gay and lesbian, but that suited them. Each was free to do whatever they wanted. We who gossiped were surprised about the arrangement always wondered whether it wouldn't have made more sense, and been less of a magnet for criticism and gossip, if they had chosen to stay single instead.

So money does not give a man "spiritual standing", but it sure as hell helps. I should maybe add "obviously, since we are all human". Perhaps money becomes even more important because a Jehovah's witness woman isn't free to say "well, I won't marry any of these guys and will live life on my own terms instead". If she should get on a boat (the metaphorical boat being "the man"), all the best if he offers some "amenities", such as the likelihood that you won't have to work so hard to make ends meet because of the "spiritual" work.

I wonder if it would be possible to be a brother who DOESN'T want the so-called privileges and marries an unbeliever instead. Yep, Mr. Elder, say whatever you want, because this is what I will do. I suppose you need to be on the fringes to make such a decision.

I see it is not as easy for men as it would seem. You have plenty of women to choose from, but then it seems to me that the organization turns most into the equivalent of "very high spiritual maintenance". I don't say this in the sense that they have to spend a lot to dress and groom the sister, but that the male still needs to meet the whims of the organization if he wants to keep her.

Suppose you're a 40 year old and you get a 20-year old virgin who thinks of you not as "daddy" but as "grand-daddy" and couldn't care less about you as a person. She needs you to be spiritual and work hard in the Watchtower, and then provide, and then please not be a pain in the ass, despite the headship. Yeah, the man is with someone much younger, but I can perfectly well envision a situation in which I would rather be with a 40-something worldly woman who would stay with me on the basis of who I am. I can smoke, can curse, can even give her oral sex without any fear that she could report me to the elders. I wouldn't lose her if I were disfellowshipped, reproved, whatever; what's more, that could probably make our relationship even easier.

EmptyInside

Well,I feel bad reading this now. As a young girl growing up in the organization,you're conditioned to only look for "spiritually qualified men". They are supposed to make the best husbands. So,that is why some would only date a brother with a position in the congregation.

As I got older though,I observed those with privileges were no better. And I just wanted a man with a good heart,and yes I still wanted one that wanted to serve Jehovah. But,even if,the best he could do was be a good publisher,that was enough for me.

But,there were brothers interested in me,and they were nice enough. I should have given them a chance,and I feel bad about it now. But,even just taking the time to get to know someone when you're a Witness is hard. People already consider you a couple right from the start and this puts a lot of pressure on you both.

It's a screwed up system all around. I'm so glad to be free of that nonsense now and that mindset. It was awful and I was miserable.

luna2

I think unmarried brothers who reach the age of 40 are looked at with some suspicion and sometimes with envy by other brothers in the congregation. JWs are such homophobes that some are always looking for evidence that others might not be heterosexual. There are also those that think, due to the number of unmarried women in the congregations, that its a man's duty to marry and that he's shirking that duty by remaining single. There is envy that more of his free time is his own, so they often assign more duties for the single brother to handle.

One brother that I recall from my first congregation who was unmarried seemed to be expected to be available 24/7 because he didn't have a wife and children. I seem to recall that when his father (who lived about 60 miles away) got sick, he felt the need to step down as elder in order to take care of him.

Witnesses are nothing if not judgemental and jealous of each other. The more I think back, the more I wonder what was wrong with me that I got involved with them.

White Dove

EI,

I think you nailed it on why it's so hard to couple up in the org.

If you are seen talking to a certain brother a few times, the gossip flies and you are indeed considered a couple, and then you are harrassed about it.

Who wants that?

No one.

So, there are lonely brothers and sisters sitting at home lonely and feeling bad about themselves, wondering "What's wrong with me? What is so gosh darned bad about me that no one will even look my way?"

Now that I'm out, I still wonder about that sometimes, but I'm no longer as sad as I once was.

I'm visiting a certain community center (soon to volunteer there) and going out to a certain type of bar just enjoying meeting other people.

That's the important thing: getting out and enjoying yourself and others.

Maybe a relationship will happen sometime out of all that fun.

No good ones happen in the org.

Every wedding I ever went to at the khall ended in divorce about 10 or less years later.

BTW, I consider a woman with a couple of kids BLESSED, NOT BAGGAGE!

She is a MOTHER. She doesn't have baggage. She has children, and is most likely well rid of the dead beat donor (in my case).

That is so horribly demeaning to her and her kids. Baggage indeed!

What those immature saps don't realize is that motherhood makes a woman stronger and less self-centered.

Add to that a disability (I call it an inconvenience) and you've got the makings of a really strong woman.

Idiots don't see that. Noooo.

One small thing on their side: Who can support a family on a janitor's wages?

What is your standing in a congregation if you're a man of 40 and never married?