Why I didn’t left JW an don’t plan to do so

by Lazarus 81 Replies latest jw experiences

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  luna2

  I've often thought that those happiest as JWs were the ones who didn't really believe in it. I remember members of my old congregations who looked like the perfect JWs, they also looked very happy...kind of a contradiction, unless they were just playing at being JWs for their families. I've decided that at least one elder and his wife had their JW facade down to a science. They would attend most meetings, they'd go out in service at least once a week...or they'd make sure everybody knew that they had a weekly Bible study so that no one would questions whether they were getting out there and talking up the WTS. They'd take vacations, but would talk loudly about what Sunday meetings they were planning to attend during their visit to Florida or California. They'd buy or build new houses, but would talk about how they didn't get the biggest or most luxurious place possible.

  It was interesting. While they did have to spend a lot of time making sure everybody believed they were devout JWs, they didn't have to actually DO a lot...just had to make sure everybody thought they were.

  I was a fool and thought I had to practice what I preached, no matter how unhappy it made me. Of course, once I realized that I didn't believe in it any more, there was no reason for me to stay as I had no family in.
• 

  Paralipomenon

  If you only stay in for the sake of others, then they are using you.

  If they would throw away your friendship in a flash because you were not a member, then they are not really your friend.

  It comes down to emotional blackmail. Would you stay someone's friend if they made you pay them $20 a day to be a friend with you? Essentially that is what is happening, except the price you are paying is your integrity. Constanly living a lie can have major toll on you.

  You very well might be fine with this, and I'm in no position to judge. But you would be good to ask yourself why are the opinions of friends and family so important to you if they don't feel the same way about you?

  For me, I stayed in as long as I did because my wife didn't have major issue with me fading. If we didn't have children, I could see me still being a member. I couldn't raise a child in the religion though, forcing them to live a lie and put up with riddicule and abuse wasn't an option when I didn't believe the reasoning behind it.
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  TheSilence

  Thanks, Nobleheart. :)
• 

  keyser soze

  It hasn't done much good for many on this board either.

  Presumptuous, much? Someone displaying a certain level of anger towards a group that held them captive is not only normal, it's healthy. It doesn't mean they aren't in a better place. Most people on this forum aren't defined as individuals by being ex-JWs. It's a small part of who we are. Don't confuse expressions of disdain for the WT for unhappiness in all aspects of our lives.
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  Piercingtheveil81

  If you are not religious, then I guess I can understand your position. If you are religious, then remaining in the organization for family and friends is not a good reason.

  The worship of God is more important that ANY person in the universe and we must be willing to lose it all if necessary. As Jesus is recorded as saying at Mark 8:36 "What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?".

  But, again, if you are not religious, that probabely doesn't matter and I can appreciate your situation.

  PVT81
• 

  RHodge6685

  We're all in different circumstances and on different journies in life, so I wouldn't judge anyone for deciding it's best for them to stay in the WT or to leave. If someone feels it's better to leave, then I would try to support and encourage them in that. For me, it was better to leave, but I didn't have family to leave behind. That would make the decision a hundred times harder, I would imagine. I had friends to leave behind, but I found that I had truer, more supportive, and less judgmental friends on the outside. Only each individual can decide what is right for their own circumstances.
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  Lazarus

  Again, thank you for sharing your thoughts. Some of them kept me thinking, some of them let me cringe. I apologize for not addressing all of your comments.

  Mad Sweeney wrote: "What are the negatives of leaving that you see, (besides family shunning) both for yourself, and for "many on this board?"

  If shunning is the thing you try to avoid, there aren’t much more negatives needed.

  Billen76 wrote: "Just remember: By being part of the JW, you have part in the shared responsebility."

  I strongly disagree with you. Your argumentation is similar to the WTS when saying “You have to preach to avoid blood guilt”. I never converted anyone and it wasn’t mine idea to let people die because of refusing blood etc. It’s the WTS fault, not mine. My country sheds innocent blood in foreign countries. Do I have to leave the country and change my citizenship? I don’t think so.

  AllTimeJeff wrote: "Some people will not be better off being a JW or not. It's a false dichotemy to suggest that an unhappy person, or a person in an unhappy situation, will fix it simply by leaving JW's."

  I agree fully. But I’m a happy person and would be unhappy if I left. That’s something different.

  Black Sheep wrote: "As for your friends and relatives being hurt if you did DA, you would not be the cause of the hurt. The Watchtower is. If the WT didn't have them firmly, and illegitimately under mind control, they would not get hurt. Don't accept the blame for the bad behaviour of the WT and it's members. It is not your fault. Especially if you are a born-in."

  From a legalistic point of view, you’re absolutely right. But, in reality, even if it’s not your fault at all, but rather the fault of your friends and relatives, the consequences are the same. I leave -> people are hurt. Unfair, I know. But they are victims too, so I overlook their weakness.

  Violia wrote: "Usually they mark such persons and don't invite them to gatherings. Are all your friends on the outside?"

  2/3 are inside. No problems in socializing. In the "strong ones" I’m not interested anyway.

  “ if the org only knew how many stay in just for social reasons and lead double lives. “

  Maybe they know but don’t care that much.

  New chapter wrote: "You have to make your decision and choose what is best for you. However don't misinterpret the angst you see in some of the posts. The transition is difficult and painful--that is why they are posting--but it's worth it. Just because it isn't easy doesn't mean they aren't better off or should not have left. Some things are worth fighting for.

  You're in a tough spot. I'm sorry you have so many ties keeping you trapped. I wouldn't want to have to make your decisions. I'm glad you are carefully weighing the pros and cons."

  Good point. Thank you (and many more!) for your sympathie.

  Moshe wrote: "It seems that you are OK with not having any personal freedom and not having a life that is all yours."

  You couldn’t be more wrong about me. I have personal freedom galore and do whatever I want with very few constrictions. And NO ONE is having a life that all is his. Except maybe Chris McCandless and that didn’t go out that good.

  Apart from that, you may have left the JW’s, but your zeal for preaching is still intact, isn’t it?

  “Let us know in a year, if you are happy, really happy, with your decision to stay in the KH.”

  I've made my mind up in 1995 because of the changed generation teaching. Hence I believe one additional year will not make this big difference.
• 

  Lazarus

  RHodge6685 wrote: "We're all in different circumstances and on different journies in life, so I wouldn't judge anyone for deciding it's best for them to stay in the WT or to leave. If someone feels it's better to leave, then I would try to support and encourage them in that. For me, it was better to leave, but I didn't have family to leave behind. That would make the decision a hundred times harder, I would imagine. I had friends to leave behind, but I found that I had truer, more supportive, and less judgmental friends on the outside. Only each individual can decide what is right for their own circumstances."

  AMEN

  To be absolute clear, I don’t criticize anyone for leaving. Everyone who is leaving I only wish the very best. Nevertheless I’m sure you’re better off with decisions based on careful thought and rationality than emotionality. In some situations you only have bad choices, but I prefer the bad over the worse.
• 

  discreetslave

  My love of God and my bible trained conscience keep urging me "Get out of her my people if you do not want to share in her sins..."

  These words give me comfort Luke 18:27-30

  "27 He said: “The things impossible with men are possible with God.” 28 But Peter said: “Look! We have left our own things and followed you.” 29 He said to them: “Truly I say to YOU, There is no one who has left house or wife or brothers or parents or children for the sake of the kingdom of God 30 who will not in any way get many times more in this period of time, and in the coming system of things everlasting life.”

  JW's say they believe those words I always have. These words brought me in now they are my comfort on the way out. My exit strategy is to keep status quo for a while. Fortunately for me the friends know I do not place literature right away. I have always used the bible for the first few calls then introduced literature. All my conscience will allow is to place a bible. I count all the time I spend teaching my kids the BIBLE. I stopped using the teach book for my daughters study. I also count time and RV's for my talks and spiritual discussions I have with friends. I even count the time on this forum. A clean conscience has always been important to me. I am looked up to in the cong. and have been called a pillar. I hope my leaving will awaken someone. I picture someone at least thinking WTF when I'm announced.

  Sidenote --my husband gets turned on when I discuss spiritual things so meeting & family worship nights are orgasmic.
• 

  Lazarus

  Just a little update to my situation.

  Basicly, my opinion as stated in the OP didn't change (sadly my english skills neither). But I have to admit: Being a JW sucks big time. And it gets harder from month to month. Sometimes I have the feeling my brain melts and flows through my ears.

  I could help my wife to see that the whole JW Religion is a scam, which is great. But it doesn't help to keep the facade, because she hates meetings now even more than I do. Persuading my wife to go to meetings is kind of surreal.

  Additional, I supported a couple which are very good friends of us to see "TTATT", which is also great. But they made sort of a fast fade and therefore meetings are even harder to stand through now.

  It's easier to help people from the inside than from the outside, I don't know what would have happened if I left earlier.

  And the hard times the aforementioned couple goes through shows me, that I would have more to lose than to gain if I would go. At least now.