Living A Lie (page 4)

happytobefree

Dear Moody Blue,

You are so blessed that you are still young, I wish I was experiencing what you are at age 22, instead of 32. But now I realize I must have needed those extra 10 years of confusion for some reason (but don't know why).

I know I have posted to you before similar comments, but I must reiterate, PLEASE PLEASE continue with your growth towards finding YOUR TRUTHS and if others follow great, but it they don't THAT'S GREAT ALSO.

And I kind of take it from your post that your family are not JW, if this is the case, you have it much easier than you think (because at least you will not loose them).

Happy to be Free (Me)

Edited by - happytobefree on 16 January 2001 14:12:53

MoodyBlue

Being young doesn't afford me any comfort. What good is it to be young and dread the life ahead of u? I don't want this life, and dammit, I didn't ask for it either. I don't get what the purpose is, and am sick of hearing how I'll find it. Nobody has the answers... Instead we all sit here, searching, while some god sits up on his throne playing puppets. Is this some sort of cruel joke? An experiement to see how much we can f*ck up our lives? Cuz I'm already off to a great start.

If there is a god, I'm really angry with him. If he loves us all so much, and has a purpose for our existence, why is it such a big mystery. Is it fun to watch us stumble around miserable questionning our very existence??

I know, I know, it's my attitude that's the problem right? Well dammit, I'm angry and this god that may or may not be there doesn't give a sh*t.

I've barely begun, and I'm tired. I'm tired of this feeling inside of me. I'm tired of the infinate unknowns out there. I'm tired of life.

ianao

MoodyBlue, you sound a lot like me. I truly KNOW your pain.

There is a chemicle produced from your brain that is a result of a belief and a practice in a higher power than you. Apparently it is unique in humans and is called, albeit unofficially "Skyfire".

Traces of this chemicle found at archeological digs are what tell researches that a specific place was used for worship. It is found in abundant amounts in certain areas of the great pyramid.

Apparently (and this is a personal observation from experience) an excess of this chemicle in your body will cause symtoms of depression and anxiety.

I have never found another group of individuals who express these behaviors more than Jehovah's Witnesses. I could speculate as to why, but that is not my point.

My point is, QUIT WORRING ABOUT YOUR ORIGINS. QUIT LOOKING FOR A PURPOSE. YOUR PURPOSE IS TO LIVE!!!! Otherwise, you would not be here to ask the question!!!

Live your life. Help others. Do whatever eases your concience (assuming that you have a good one, Stay away from things that make you feel guilty, sad, and even ANGRY, and if you have these feelings now, release your frustrations on this message board. This is what it is for (has helped me TREMENDOUSLY!)

After you have calmed down, you can deal with the issues you are facing objectively. Trying to deal with these issues in your current mental state is self-destructive. (It also hurts the ones who Love you).

Also PLEASE NOTE. When I say LOVE, I am NOT talking about the CONDITIONAL love that you receive from JWs. I am talking about someone who will be there for you through thick and thin, hot or cold, not someone who will leave YOU in the cold when you disagree using the FREE WILL that you were given when born.

If you currently have nobody in that category, then I think you've come to the right place. (Am I wrong anyone?)

Am I officially trained as a Psychologist? No.
Do I know from first-hand experience? Yes.

to sum up:

"Chill out, before you burn up!"

Edited by - ianao on 16 January 2001 15:32:38

happytobefree

Moody Blue,

Please find someone you can talk to about your feelings. And not your husband or the brothers, they will further confuse you. Believe me I have been in your shoes (I have attempted to commit suicide 3 times in my life) and I'm glad to say the future is better. You only see a doom and gloom future, because of the people you have associated your life with. They see a doom in this present and only happiness in some paradise that is probably concocted by the WTBTS. Please seek out some professional counseling and not NOW but RIGHT NOW.

PLEASE PLEASE talk to someone who is trained to help.

And by the way, from the way you have posted, you sound like a brilliant young lady, and I have not gotten the impression that you are the type to be considered a F*** up. Please do not beat up on yourself for some decisions you have made. They were have you thinking at the TIME and where you needed to be. STOP worrying you will find your way and you will be all the better to help others. And as the above person posted stop worrying about you purpose, because it's obviously clear you were put here to help others (because your post have helped me and just think about those who feel like you and have not had the nerve to express themselves as you have).

Edited by - happytobefree on 16 January 2001 15:42:10

amicus

MoodyBlue,
I am sooooooo glad I'm not standing next to you. I hate getting struck by lightning!

Go ahead and vent though, a lot of us here feel for you.

MoodyBlue

I've been thru the therapy route before. I was forced to stop because we needed money, and I had to go back to work. I've attempted suicide twice, that's what landed me in therapy in the first place. Did i feel it benefitted- Absolutely. Do I have access to it now- No.

See, I DON'T have anyone to talk to This f*cking computer is all the therapy I have right now. Chill out is easy to say, not so easy to do. Family provided support at first, but now thinks I should either put up, or leave. They don't want to hear me whining (a quote from my mother) and so I don't whine.

So i suppose i should just put up or shut up.

ianao

MoodyBlue, please remember that there are others on their f*cking computers right now trying to respond and help you. I think you DO have someone to talk to, and I believe you are doing a good job.

Any advice given you is not from your perspective personally (otherwise, you would not need the advice!)

Others will argue with me on this, but let me tell you that looking for truth and a solid answer in life is futile. You have been previously led to believe that this was NOT the case. I feel your pain.

Life has more important things. Think about your family. Do they not Love you? If they don't want you to 'whine' about this, than DON'T! FORGET IT! GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE! GET A HOBBY! DO SOMETHING FUN! You have obviously told them everything there is to tell them.

This really frustrated me too. I thought that someone was telling me x, y, then z, and THAT WAS IT! Life cannot be explained that way. Never will be. (At least not while we are alive now). Dwelling on these things is pointless. In the end, you've wasted your life away.

Get back into the 'world' that you were BORN in. Take advantage of it. Pursue a personal career. Heck, if you can't stay away from religion, and you don't want to join one then study THEOLOGY and learn about how every other person handles religious matters.

Oh, and if you want to join another Bible-based religion, than so be it. Just remember, the xtian dillema is always: "us" vs. "them", "good" vs. "bad". "annointed" vs. "damned". I have nothing against a persuit of Jehovah God, but remember, it's the "us vs. "them" that has you so angry right now, so I would caution you to avoid the psychological trauma. Plain and simple.

claudia

blue, if the pc is your only source of support right now then type away! Keep posting, and there is so much literature on the net available to read.

happytobefree

Blue,

Don't think you cannot afford therapy. Check with you local health department they have resource to free mental therapy. And continue to talk to your mother (is she nonJW), tell her that you really need her help, I now realize some people told me the same thing (change it our shutup - my worldly husband - and it was my turning point - because it's true. You are staying in your current condition (situation) because you are getting some payoff, so figure out the payoff and see if it's worth you feeling so desparate. If you email me and tell me what area you live in, I may be able to find you some professional help. I now volunteer at crisis centers and no that there is help. But by all means, if this is you only outlet(internet) for now, please use it.

MoodyBlue

i don't think fear is a payoff... but i stay where i am because i want my husband to see the truth about the truth. i stay because i do not know where to go. i stay because i owe tens of thousands of dollars to the govt. i stay because i am in love. i stay because i want this to be the truth. i stay because i feel without my husband i have no one. i stay because although i am lost, i feel secure in his arms. i stay because i have quit everything i've ever done in my life. i stay because i am scared. i stay because i tried to leave once before and couldn't handle life without mr blue. i stay because i don't know what to do besides what i am doing now. i stay because i keep hoping for some insight and help. i stay because i don't want to be shunned. i stay because i don't have any faith in anything out there. i stay because for now, that's all i can do.

Living A Lie

Share this