Living A Lie (page 6)

MoodyBlue

Well, I broke down last night, and told my husband how I feel, and some of my doubts. We had a really long talk, and I thought maybe I had made some progress when we went to bed in each other's arms.

I asked him things I thought would make him think. WHY he beleives what he does- is it simply because he was raised JW? WHAT would he do if he found something in the Bible contrary to what JW's teach? He admitted he didn't know, and had some research to do.

He also asked if he tried to help me, would I attend meetings to help him... i never did say yes, but I know he's still counting on me to be there.

But this morning on the way to work, I realized something as he was talking, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. He said to me that I was making Jehovah happy. He said that one day I would know what he knows.

AND IT HIT ME. THIS IS THE ONLY WAY OF LIFE THERE IS TO HIM. THIS IS ABSOLUTE TRUTH AND FACT TO HIM. And while i sortof knew that, I don't think i realized the certainty of it. Does that make sense?
I kept telling him, don't be so sure I will. I do not beleive what u do right now, and don't know that I will. He is confident in my ablitity to see the "truth," and thinks it is simply depression and negative thinking that has me feeling this way.

I feel even worse now... I am trying to read so lightly with him, and not bombard him with stuff, but he's missing everything I'm saying... Maybe I'm wrong for wanting him to see what I do in the "truth." To him it is truth, and who am I to challenge that.

He called me up about 10 minutes ago, and asked if i was looking at "bad stuff" on the internet. I lied and said no, because to me itisn't bad. To him, it is simply apostate lies. I told him lots of my questions were hanging on from long ago, when I discovered "apostate" sites... but i feel so dishonest:(

I wish I had the courage to end this life...

Edited by - MoodyBlue on 19 January 2001 10:45:53

peaceloveharmony

moodyblue

hang in there girl--things will work out, eventually. i don't know what else to tell you but know that you are not alone. you have all of us here that are wishing you the best and we are behind you 100%.

((((((HUGS))))))

love harmony

Edited by - peaceloveharmony on 19 January 2001 11:0:49

ZazuWitts

Dear, Dear MoodyBlue

I wish I were with you right now - to look into your eyes - face-to-face, to hold you and try to comfort you. YOU are the most important issue right now - everything else should be put on the back burner, with the heat turned off!
Please, please, dear MoodyBlue, call and make arrangements for some personal, one-on-one counselling. You need someone outside of all of this to assist you in putting your emotions in the proper perspective. Do not give up on yourself - I 'see' you as an intelligent young woman with a beautiful future - all of us here want that for you. Please, make a call right away - now, please.
With loving concern - Zazu

thinker

Moody Blue,
Don't give up now. You've gotten to the point that your husband will discuss this with you. To me that is a huge breakthrough. Most JW's simply shut out any discussion.
You obviously love the man, so why not do everything you can to help him see the real truth about the org.? You know you've found the truth and you have a chance to express it and help someone else.

thinker

happytobefree

Moody,

I agree that you should take some steps to get YOURSELF some help. And don't try to convince your husband. You keep stating, he saying you are depressed, that the reason you think the way you do. And he say that he will support you, if you support him by attending meetings. That's a condition, not support. PLEASE PLEASE GET YOURSELF SOME help and even if you do find the JW to be a truth for you and your situation (let it be based on your TRUE decision and not to make you husband happy). One more thing, if you keep badgering him about the Org. not being the TRUTH, isn't that sort of abusive to him also.

I know this post sound harsh. But I really feel WE CAN ONLY SAVE OURSELF. And TRUE LOVE is respect for what others think, even when we don't agree. I know this is what won me over to FREEDOM. My worldly husband always (know as an unopposer)was supportive of me know matter what my choice.

Happy to be Free (Me)

MoodyBlue

hi happy

u weren't so harsh, lol... i just want to explain (defend??) one thing... i don't think i've badgered him. On the contrary i have been quite quiet for the most part...i just want to do what's right, and find peace in my own mind... i just havne't figured out HOW yet.

waiting

hey mb,

I'm sorry that you have to go through this, primarily by yourself. That's the hell of waking up. When my children left the organ., it was hard on me, but they didn't live at home. My son & I had many words, and finally just agreed to disagree and try to become friends again.

It was hard on the nerves of us both. We had lunch every other week, and diligently did not talk about the Truth. I found I had to learn to converse again - I was talking with someone who could leave me.

He never told me the lies, misquotes, etc., of the WTBTS. None of my 3 kids did. They all agreed that when my husband & I were ready, we would look. Took about 5 more years, we looked.

To their credit, all those years - they let me be as long as I didn't push them too hard (all mothers push, btw). And to their great credit, they've never said once "I told you so" when we were rudely awakened.

My husband's mother is 80 and faithful - and it's breaking her heart. We tell her we're just thinking, but still faithful to Jehovah. But to her and others, if we're not at the meetings, we're not faithful.

Hang in there, try to find a compromise with your husband. He may just be a pighead, but slowly people seem to be able to find communication again.

waiting

RedhorseWoman

MB, the only way you can find peace is to take care of yourself. Get whatever help you need.....YOU ARE WORTH IT! Your husband is counting on your depression to bring you back to the "truth". He is probably thinking about how reading information on "apostate" sites is causing you to become downtrodden in the spirit. I'm sure that he honestly feels that all you need to do is to get active again and everything will be wonderful!

Keep talking....both here and also if at all possible, with a counselor. Make sure that you take care of yourself physically. I know that feeling depressed makes it difficult to do so, but taking a walk every day can help to lift your mood. If you aren't taking vitamins right now, you might want to consider doing so. Being deficient nutritionally makes it much more difficult to maintain a postive outlook.

Most of all, remember that things CAN get better. You have planted seeds....don't keep digging them up to see if they're growing....just let them grow. It takes time.

trevor

Hi Moody Blue,

I am pleased that so many people have responded to you with good advice. All I can add is to remember that change takes time. The mind can see things and change very quickly but our emotions take a lot longer to catch up. This is a big emotional change for you.

Do little with the Witnesses and say even less. Build up your closeness with good non- Witness friends who will always stand by you.
Remember your own self worth - being a Witness lowers your own self esteem and that damage has to be repaired.

All the best
trevor

Living A Lie

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