What would you do if your JW spouse did...?

by garyneal 37 Replies latest jw friends

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  garyneal

  Okay, I don't mean to rant but I am not sure where to turn. The issues that I am having with my wife are not related to her being a JW but it does make me think of other situations where the religion is credited for the JW spouse's exceptional behavior (even when it has nothing to do with the religion).

  My wife has her heart set on going to Disney this year, but she has no real plan on saving the money to go. In addition to this, she needs have some money to replace her lost income over the summer when she takes her internship to get her teacher's license. So, she has no money saved up to go to Disneyworld (that we estimated will cost $3,000) and she has no money to replace her lost income over the summer and to top it off, she has $1,000 credit card debt. I suggested that we take our tax refund for this year (which was around $3,000 last year) and use it to replace her lost income, try to save up the money for Disneyworld and if necessary postpone that trip until the following year. Meanwhile, stop using the credit card and try to make payments on it to bring the balance down.

  Here's what she is doing instead:

  She is charging the trip to Disneyworld on the same credit card (which now has a balance of $1,600), she plans to 'pay' for it by making monthly payments to said credit card and she is asking for donations to raise up the money to replace her lost income this summer. Not sure where this year's tax refund will come into play (hopefully to supplement her donations for her 'charity').

  But wait, there's more:

  Over the past couple of years she has managed to rack up a substantial number of moving violations on her driving record. So many in fact that she's had to go to driving school and has been warned that if she gets another she could have her licensed suspended. Well, she just got another citation two weeks ago (she has not been to court yet). Therefore, she may end up getting her license suspended which means she will not be able to go to college this semester (too far for me to drive her and return twice a day). So, she might not even graduate this year.

  *sigh*

  So, what would you do if you were in my shoes?
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  Found Sheep

  well I don't like to give marriage advice but.... I wouldn't be in your shoes Being in agreement with money issues I think is something that needs to be established early in a relationship

  That being said..... You need to talk to her about your valid condern!!!

  best wishes

  FS

  sounds a bit bi-polar?
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  garyneal

  FS

  Good point, I understand why you would not like to give marriage advice. I guess I am just ranting and trying to figure out what to do.

  In regards to talking to her about my concerns, it goes nowhere. Unless I am telling her what she likes to hear, something along the lines of, "Oh go ahead honey, plan that trip, it's okay," she tunes me out. I try to be fair, I understand she wants to go and I want to help her but I also feel like she is not being totally fair either.

  Oh well, thanks for the feedback.
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  sd-7

  Hmm. Your plan is clearly more logical. And boy is she fortunate to have so little credit debt! You should see my bill. Maybe I ought to send you a copy so you can show her the consequences of her decision. I'm paying $174 in interest alone every month on credit cards. Trust me, your plan is better. I guess you can't make her do anything, but that's a bad idea.

  If you're willing to, you might wish to have a serious talk with her about managing the debt. I only use my credit cards because by the time I'm finished paying my bills and for my needs, I'm just about out of cash anyway. Because of paying so much interest. Vicious cycle, long story, don't date the unemployed, don't need to say any more.

  Stow Disneyland until next year. It can wait. It'll probably still be there, whereas the debt doesn't have to be.

  --sd-7
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  N.drew

  She's a JW but has moving violations? To some people "in the truth" that means she's breaking a lot of their rules. Tell her you'll be reporting her. Haha I'm kidding about that part. I think I would not report my spouse. But if she's putting you between a rock and a hard place, maybe it's time to have a talk about it...
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  ABibleStudent

  Hi garyneal, it sounds like you and your wife should go to marriage counseling or at least read read some books on the subject. Marriage counseling may help you getting in touch with your wife's authentic persona. Disagreements about money are the number one cause of divorce in the USA.

  Too bad that you cannot use the headship card with your wife about money matters, because you are more realistic than your wife, who is being very emotional and fiscally irresponsible.

  Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,

  Robert
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  Black Sheep

  Take her to a budget advisory service......

  ..... or cancel her card, sell her car, buy her a bicycle with a nice wicker shopping basket and tell her that if she wants to go to Disney, she's going to have to do a lot more than pretend she can afford it.
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  wha happened?

  regarding her license, depending on the state, it may be restricted to school and work. Been there done that. I used to street race alot when I was young and stupid, as opposed to just plain stupid
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  garyneal

  Thanks for the encouragement and support. I know this may not be the proper forum for these kinds of discussions but I was kind of out of options. Talking to my family about it is not a good idea, nor is talking to her family, things like this is best left not aired to the in-laws (hers or mine).

  I've considered counseling, in fact I have suggested it over and over. To no avail. I may consider it alone, but I really think it would be more beneficial if we both went. I'm not holding my breath.

  SD-7, we just paid off a credit card debt of $17,000 last year. I had to take out $4,000 of my 401k to do it. Not even a year later she is running it up again. It is mostly on trivial stuff too. I told her this time that she is solely responsible for the balances.

  N. Drew: You know, that was kind of what I was hinting at. She blames the police and the judges for practically all of them. I will admit, on a couple the cops did seem to be nitpicky (perhaps the city is looking for 'extra income'), but the majority of them is clearly her responsibility. She just refuses to accept it. I spoke with the JW babysitter about her relationship with her UBM husband. According to her, her husband thinks that her being a JW is a wonderful thing and makes her the good person that she is. You, no doubt, are aware of the stories where the UBM is 'won without a word' by the conduct of the JW. It certainly does not seem to be the case in my household.

  LOL @ wha happened. Well, I hope she will still be able to drive next year. Even if only in a limited way.

  Black Sheep: I really do want to cancel her card but I am not sure if I have the authority as I am only an authorized user.
• 

  tec

  I think you did what you could do, regarding her credit card. The only authority that you have over her on that is refusing to bail her out. Its her card; she can rack it up if she likes, but she can't complain about the consequences if she can't pay her bills (can't complain and e x pect sympathy, that is... she can still complain, lol) Same with the tickets. They're her tickets. If she'd rather go to Disneyland than pay all of these things, then she risks losing her license, schooling, whatever. You don't really have authority over that either. Well, not authority as the kind that Blacksheep suggested.

  As per her financial responsibilities toward the family income and e x penses... well, do you two have some sort of agreement? Ta x returns go to both of you right? So neither one of you gets to take it all for yourself.

  Money is a big stress on a marriage... especially if one spouse is responsible, and the other, not so much. Helps to set out a budget with all the e x penses, and how much each of you is responsible for. Some people have a hard time 'seeing' where money is going, or where it should be going, unless it is written out clearly on paper.

  Peace,

  Tammy