What would you do if your JW spouse did...?

by garyneal 37 Replies latest jw friends

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  garyneal

  Thanks everyone,

  Guess I am breaking the 'last post for the night' rule.

  But don't get the idea that zero interest is what she thinks it is. If there's already more debt on that same card (and you say there is), then any payments will go toward the zero interest stuff first and there will be a monthly interest and fee carried on the existing debt. That's substantial monthly costs to ride on more debt.

  We've been through this before which was how we amassed a $17,000 debt before. It took us from 2004 to early this year to pay that off and a lot of it came from these 'zero percent' offers. You'd think she'd learn her lesson by now. Evidently not.
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  DesirousOfChange

  she needs have some money to replace her lost income over the summer when she takes her internship to get her teacher's license.

  First of all, Gary, I love reading your posts and the unique position you are in among members here. But first let me just say: You have a JW wifey who is pursuing a career (teaching) and you're bellyaching about all this???? Shut the F*&% up.

  Over the past couple of years she has managed to rack up a substantial number of moving violations on her driving record. So many in fact that she's had to go to driving school and has been warned that if she gets another she could have her licensed suspended. Well, she just got another citation two weeks ago (she has not been to court yet). Therefore, she may end up getting her license suspended which means she will not be able to go to college this semester (too far for me to drive her and return twice a day). So, she might not even graduate this year. *sigh* So, what would you do if you were in my shoes?

  I don't know where you live...........I'm assuming USA..........but why the hell do you think God made lawyers? Who the hell PAYS traffic tickets anymore?? This is the new revenue system. It has nothing to do with safety.

  You get a ticket for speeding worth $100. This will not only restrict your driving eventually, this will raise your car insurance out the @$$. What to do? You hire lawyer for $50 - $100. Court agrees thru attorney to drop speeding violation to loud muffler, but double fine. You pay "city" $200 + lawyer's fee. OK. It cost you $250-$300. (Quit getting tickets) but it saved you at least that much in insurance over the next 3-5 years. So, over all, city makes more revenue, lawyer has good business, you saved money on insurance (you'd have saved more for not being stupid and getting multiple tickets), but over all, everyone benefits except insurance company. I've put 2 lawyers kids thru college having my kids' tickets "fixed". That's how the game is played

  SD-7, we just paid off a credit card debt of $17,000 last year. I had to take out $4,000 of my 401k to do it. Not even a year later she is running it up again. It is mostly on trivial stuff too. I told her this time that she is solely responsible for the balances.

  CUT UP THE F&CKING CREDIT CARDS. First month you cannot pay them IN FULL -- cut them up. Rule of thumb on credit cards is if IT is gone when the bill comes, you DO NOT charge it. IF you piss it out, crap it out, sober up and don't remember it, or whatever else...........IF IT IS GONE when the cc bill comes, you DO NOT charge it. Emergency care repair. OK. Unexpected appliance replacement. OK. You will have them for months or year. Dinner out. NO WAY. New dress (you don't need -- I don't care if you'll still have it). NO WAY.

  If you cannot control using credit. You don't use it. If she doesn't agree, call the cards and cancel her card or both of your cards. Any she has in just her name, send them a letter telling them a certified letter YOU will not be responsible for her debts.

  Finally, GO GET COUNSELING even if just you go. Maybe she'll join you later. Hopefully you have health insurance for this. Gary, your lady has serious issues. Most of your posts are about how she is supposed to be a JW, but doesn't really abide by the rules of the religion. If she is like that in everything else in life, you're both in deep sh!t trouble. There are rules for driving. There are rules for wise financial management. IF she breaks all those rules the same as she does the JW religion rules when it's just not to her liking or not convenient -- You're in deep doo doo. It might seem cool when she's breaking the JW rules, but it won't end up cool on the other issues.

  DOC
• 

  GLTirebiter

  I've been there too. I wish I had better advice than this: don't do what I did, which was basically nothing (except arguing about it) and waiting for our "bad luck" to turn around. It never did, of course--there's always another car problem, plumbing back-up, or medical bill on the way. Plan and agree on a realistic budget, including rainy day savings for the inevitable surprises. If you can't find common ground, suggest a joint meeting with a legitimate credit counselor (check them out with the BBB etc. before making an appointment, to weed out the charlatans).

  we just paid off a credit card debt of $17,000 last year. I had to take out $4,000 of my 401k to do it. Not even a year later she is running it up again.

  She actually carries on like she is wholly entitled to all of these things.

  Adding to diamonddiz's suggestion about a line of credit to pay off the debt: if you do that, GET RID OF THE CREDIT CARDS! Otherwise you will soon find you're paying on the credit line and a new batch of credit card debt. You've already been down that path once, using retirement savings to pay off consumer debt. There needs to be a day of reckoning, an intervention, so the same thing doesn't happen again.

  Good luck, Gary. I hope you can work this out as partners.
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  garyneal

  First of all, Gary, I love reading your posts and the unique position you are in among members here. But first let me just say: You have a JW wifey who is pursuing a career (teaching) and you're bellyaching about all this???? Shut the F*&% up.

  I know you mean well, but judging by the posts here I am getting, there is a lot of misinformation happening here. I understand, it is difficult to truly convey everything that is going on in a few posts on a thread. The fault lies with me so I do not complain.

  Truth is, I encourage her at every opportunity to finish this degree and bend over backwards helping her out in any way possible. So I am not bellyaching in the slightest about the college thing. My only contention is that the first order of priority (in my mind) is that we should ensure that we have the extra funds to cover her lost income during her summer internship. Everything else is secondary. My suggestion was to take next year's tax return money and use it to cover the lost income, it may be tight but we can make do.

  Second, don't charge for the Disney reward she wants, stick with the original plan and if necessary, post pone it for a year to give us time to recover financially. This also opens up the possibility of using the following years tax refund to fund the trip. Stop using the credit card and pay down the balance to zero. That's the last request I had. Granted, I cannot control that aspect and I have given up trying to reason with her on it, but I am sick and tired of hearing her complain about how it is somehow my fault that things don't work out the way she wants it to on her terms.
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  garyneal

  CUT UP THE F&CKING CREDIT CARDS. First month you cannot pay them IN FULL -- cut them up.

  She did cut them up, yet she manages to continue using it anyway. As I have said, I have given up trying to reason with her on this. I think I will write that letter to the bank.
• 

  tec

  I hear both sides of this, Gary.

  Yours, I understand, because I do the budget in my house. The drawback to that is that my husband makes 70% of the income, and then I have to be the one to tell him what he can or cannot spend. We've had a fair amount of issues over that. It helped when I laid out the e x penses vs. the income for him. He tuned some of that out, but he also showed me that he didn't realize that our monthly e x penses were so high. Somehow when we didn't have enough for him to do things he wanted... it ended up being my fault (as seems to be the case with your wife). He is more understanding now, and since we have that budge laid out, he knows how much he has to contribute from each paycheque, and I don't have to say a work anymore. That helped a lot! Perhaps seeing it (like in a graph) might help your wife understand that she is as responsible as you are for what falls through, and what comes through. But I understand being sick and tired of being blamed for financial failings. Life is life, and sometimes we don't get what we wanted or e x pected.

  At the same time, I understand her pov as well, in the sense that she is working hard and is so looking forward to a reward; perhaps even something to unwind, to have fun, to be carefree. I thought Shelby's post above was VERY insightful, and I can vouch for those feelings. I also understand how she might think that the possibility of putting it off another year, might turn into many other years, if additional 'financial problems' arise. Like they always tend to do. So perhaps she thinks if she doesn't get it now, she might not get it at all.

  However, I was under the assumption that this trip will be 100% paid for with cash (no credit)

  Assumption is rarely a good thing. Was this an actual agreement, or not? If not, then she probably feels you're backing out of your end of the agreement. Just as you feel she is changing the terms of her agreement.

  Honestly, if she intends to pay for this with her own credit card, then I think you should stop fighting it. Get your name off the card, if that helps take some worry out of it for you. Show her how the credit works into the budget and how she will be responsible for adding that to her contribution to the expenses. But let her make that decision, and if she does make the decision to go, then perhaps negotiate a 'no more credit/trips/etc' until this credit is paid off.

  Peace to you,

  Tammy
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  nugget

  Disneyworld is a nice to have not a need to have. If she showed as much commitment to her graduation as she does to a vacation then there would be a hope that she is moving forward but if her poor driving and half hearted attempt to cover her lost earnings means she can't get to college and graduate then does she really want to become a teacher at all?

  What are her priotities? She needs to sort these out. Part of JW mentality is not to consider long term consequences and to expect other people to fall in line with them. It is not a healthy approach.

  This is something you need to have a serious talk about. Disneyworld is an expensive holiday but will you be able to enjoy it if you are unable to afford it and she is not moving forward her plans to graduate. You don't want to spend all that money and spend the whole trip in a state of anxiety. If theholiday is for all of you then all of you need to be in a state to appreciate it. Waiting 1 year is really no big deal.
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  Aussie Oz

  Thats an unhappy place to be Garyneal and short of tough love i can't suggest anything to help other than to explain how we run our affairs. This seems like the best and only thread to mention our affairs in so here goes, because perhaps it might help others...

  I do not support my wife financialy, she does not support me. We both have times of individual cash flow challenges and if the other is flush will help the other. Sometimes we pay it back sometimes we let each other off.

  We split the expenses 50/50. Everything. At times we each just pay for dinner, movies or an unexpected bill and dont ask for money from the other.

  What i am trying to explain is that while we help each other, and i often put my hand in more than she does because i have the greater earning capacity, is that we each take full responsability for our own financial situation. I do not need to ask her if i can spend money on my hotrod (money pit) and she does not need to ask if she can buy yet another pair of shoes...It's our own money after taking care of the bills. I wanted a new floor in the shed, i sold a treasured asset.

  We have a weekly budget to cover expenses and that must be met each week along with a set amount of savings, those are sacred, no spending of ourselves until we have taken care of business. We repaid $10,000 to a friend in the last 12 months, again, finding that money every week was sacred and came before wants.

  We have no redraw facility on the mortgage and the interest rate is fixed for a very long time. Redraw is bad news.

  We discuss holidays and things we want, and how to get them. I recently had to fund a new business venture, my problem to fund and payback but the rules were that it was not to impact the bills and savings. She wants to drop her secular employment completley soon. She is getting 50% of her income from her artwork and graphic self employment, but will not ditch the day job until she knows she can make up the shortfall. She does not expect me to carry her, although i will when she needs it.

  And most important...NO credit cards, no store accounts. save or layby, or go without.

  I hate to see couples in WW3 over money. It kills the love, been there, done that. All the best gary as you navigate this minefield.

  oz