My Husband's Kids Have Cut Him Off

by headisspinning 33 Replies latest social family

• 

  flipper

  HEADISPINNING- Are you sure your husband wasn't married to my JW ex-wife ? Sounds like a carbon copy of exactly what I went through when my JW children were 15, 13 , and 11 over 10 years ago. I was in a DFed state from 1998 ( the time of the divorce ) to 2002 and my JW ex-wife did EVERYTHING under the sun to interfere with my three and a half day per week visitation with my children. The children wanted to see me, however my ex-wife gradually tried influencing them against me. She'd make sure they were busy with friends in field service or had made other plans for them when it was clearly my time to have them stay at my home.

  By 2000 the ex-wife's interference with visitations got SO bad that I requested a court appointed mediator who was neutral to both parties to help secure a fair visitation agreement that legally my ex-wife would HAVE to stick to or be in violation of the laws in our area. So things got better when my ex-wife saw I was playing hardball and that I wasn't going to allow her to break the laws of the land just to turn the kids against me. The kids started visiting regularly thanks to the work of the mediator and I had them three and a half days a week.

  HEADISPINNING- Another thing you might want to consider is that the elders in your hubby's ex-wife's congregation may be influencing her to keep the kids from visiting you and your husband. What happened in my situation is that an elder in my ex-wife's congregation came up to my then 13 yr.old son and told him, " Your dad is DFed and you shouldn't be associating with him or seeing him ! " My son wasn't going to have any of it. He told the elder, " He's my dad, I love him and I deserve to see him ! " So don't underestimate the JW cults elders and the ressure and manipulation they not only put on your hubby's ex-wife, but also his children.

  Legally as long as his kids are minors under 18 - WT society doesn't have a legal leg to stand on. It's against the law to restrict visitation with a divorced parent DFed or not , unless the child is endangered physically by doing so. So I'd tell hubby to stick to his guns, but remain calm and dignified through the process. Don't badmouth the ex-wife to the children as it will make YOU guys look bad to the children. They'll resent you for it. Just take care of your legal rights as provided by the law and keep unconditionally loving the kids. Try avoiding direct confrontations with the ex-wife. Use the legal mediation process . You may have better results. Good luck to you, Peace out, Mr. Flipper
• 

  Retrovirus

  Hi Headisspinning, so very sorry to hear this.

  When our marriage ended, my ex was rather slack with visiting commitments (last minute changes, coming late etc). One child made excuses for him; the other became angry and refused to talk to him, let alone visit. Also threatened to run away if forced to stay with him for weekends etc.

  I urged the ex to be patient rather than to try to force the issue but it still took many months.

  The reason I'm boring you with this is that the kid was FIVE. I cannot imagine how we could have forced any visits at ten or fifteen.

  Therefore I'd be with those who take the long term view - ie, let the children know their father loves them and has the door open for them, but leave it at that. Avoid religion when you can communicate, but tell about the fun times with your kids. Given the drop out rate of young jws, I'd hope that time is on your side.

  Hugs to you both, Retro
• 

  NewChapter

  What happened in my situation is that an elder in my ex-wife's congregation came up to my then 13 yr.old son and told him, " Your dad is DFed and you shouldn't be associating with him or seeing him ! "

  Sounds like the elders need a letter from a lawyer telling them to back off or get sued.
• 

  flipper

  NEW CHAPTER- Believe me, I felt like suing that elder for telling my son to shun me. But back in 1998 I was still under the mind control and trying to get reinstated thinking it was the only way to get my kids back at that time. Little did I know then that both my son AND myself would exit the JW cult totally in 2003. Many times these things have a way of working themselves out in the end anyway. My son and I are very close
• 

  tec

  Retro, the difference there is that your " x" kept disapointing your five year old. He was in the wrong. But Head's spouse is being shunned because of the religion, and the mother. If they completely cut off contact with him, how is that going to get better if he just backs off and does nothing? It might, years down the road if they wise up and no longer want to be part of the religion. But then they might also wonder why he didn't fight for his rights with them? Again, maybe not the 15 year old, but the ten year old?

  I don't know. I would talk to a lawyer and get mediation, and enforce my rights at least as far as my x and the religion are concerned . But this is armchair advice, and he has to make the decision based on what he thinks is best, of course.

  Peace,

  Tammy
• 

  headisspinning

  Hi Everyone...

  I read all your messages and then I got him to read them all too.

  He wanted me to let you know that he appreciates all of your comments and is considering all of your thoughts, advice, comments and suggestions.

  The things I didn't mention, that he wanted me to add are that it has been two years since he has been apart from his children. They live one province away - to drive it takes 24 hours and a weekend there usually costs us about $1000 for 3 days (for him to go) but he has gone every chance there's been.

  Also, the once-a-week phone calls are still in place. The kids have agreed to that much.

  Also, they have a baby brother who is 16 months old now. They won't acknowledge him, much less meet him and I'm not even sure they know his name. I also have two kids who I talk freely with. My son is the same age as my husband's son - thankfully mine has realized the truth and doesn't believe in it. But when I told my daughter who is 10 about what's going on with her 'step siblings' (that refuse to acknowledge her or her brother)... she said: "See mom, THAT's why I don't even want to meet them. I think they're mean."...

  Anyway, just a few extra details... and thank you all so much!
• 

  tec

  ((((headisspinning and hubbie)))

  Nothing else to say that, I'm just so sorry this is happening. I'm sorry for your husband, and I'm soooo sorry for his kids. And for your littlest one together. I am glad for you that your children are in your corner though. Looks like you'll all just have to 'fight' a little longer and harder for your hubbie's kids to come around. I don't mean fight with anger of course, but fight out of love, and with love.

  They are worth it. So are all of you.

  Love and peace and lots of strength to you all,

  Tammy
• 

  flipper

  HEADISPINNING- Interesting details provided. Thanks for that info, it helps as to how your husband might approach it. You know- there is an old saying, we can only control how WE respond to things, we can't control how OTHERS will respond to us or what we say. You mentioned the high cost $$$$ of going to visit the children. And them not wanting to see him. So since your hubby's kids will accept the once a week phone calls - that may be the positive opportunity your husband has to reach them authentically and show them real caring in a humane way that they won't receive from inside the Witnesses. If he is able to keep the conversation real and shows an interest in how his children are doing in school and other activities like hobbies, interests, etc. - perhaps he will be able to avoid any JW talk which may lead to tensions rebuilding.

  As long as your husband keeps the door open to them, they may outgrow this JW cult and become more independent in their thinking as they become young adults in their late teens, early twenty's. Hang in there . In time someone in the congregation may piss your kids off and they'll see the Witnesses for what they really are- a high control organization. I wish you the best ! Peace out, Mr. Flipper
• 

  Retrovirus

  Dear tec,

  You are right, that it was the ex's fault. But the kid was too young to understand that cutting ties with one's father, however imperfect, would hurt both more in the end.

  The children of Head's husband also think they are doing the right thing. Also agreed, their mother is acting wrongly even though she is under cult influence and very likely also still hurting and angry from losing her husband.

  I didn't mean that he should "cut all ties", and it's great to see from Head's post above that he can still phone with his children.

  But forcing visitation when a child is strongly opposed may not be a good idea. I fully believed that my kid would have tried to run away. Doesn't seem to have the makings of a fun weekend, and the risk terrified me.

  Headisspinning, your daughter is smart!
• 

  headisspinning

  First of all... I LOVE you guys... New Chapter, Flipper, Tec (Tammy), Retro, Mad, Mouthy, Steve2, (I'm sorry I can't list everyone)... but you guys have kept us alive. I know that I can't always come on here and participate, but I read EVERY day and you guys have saved us. Really. We besides our kids, we have my one sister, Steve's new found family, two 'worldly' friends and you guys... so please, please know that you have truly changed out lives and let us see a way to keep on going, when there didn't seem to be a way.

  I am very blessed because my children were always raised with the understanding that as much as we wanted them to 'be in the Truth', no matter what we would love them and it was their choice to make. Thank 'God' my ex agreed with me on that before I left the JW's for good. So my son, who is 15 listened and he has 'left the Truth' for all intents and purposes. He still lives with his JW dad and attends the meetings because that's a 'house rule' BUT he told his dad that it would be hypocritical to go door-to-door when he doesn't believe and his dad agreed. (So, ya... even though my ex is an 'ass' he isn't a complete moron... (well, he IS, but you know what i mean, I hope!)

  It's much more difficult with my husband's kids because they were never left any choice. They have been indoctrinated, immersed, brainwashed... you know the 'model JW family' that would make you puke on the convention programs? THAT is them. And my husband was the one who made them that way. Hardcore. Hardcore. At least with my kids, we were never 'perfect' in their sight... we made mistakes and had fun and were always a little more 'edgy' but my husband? Aye yi yi... So he takes full responsibility for how his kids are being and I guess maybe that's why he doesn't think that even I fully understand...

  At this point, my little girl is fully brainwashed as well and wants to be JW BUT... thankfully, she has a bit of an edge, because me and her dad (my ex) have always encouraged her to THINK and use her brain... fingers crossed (oh and that's 'bad'... LOL!)