So my JW wife cheated on me. Need some help or at least a sympathetic ear. (page 9)

still thinking

JonathanH...I had an affair...it ended my marriage...And in hindsight...thats why I did it. I didn't stay with the guy. He was a bit like curious describes himself...he was a player.

I agree with you about feelilng angry towards curious, he took advantage of another mans plight. BUT...he is right in a lot of ways. (not about joining a swingers group though...)

I am not your wife so can't say for sure why she did what she did. Sounds like infatuation to me...lust even. The fact that she told you about it and hasn't left either means she is selfish, and just wanted to relieve her conscience...or...she wants help to stop this behaviour and wants to save her marriage. I didn't want to talk about it, I was ready to walk, and did.

I agree with the suggestions on here about marriage councelling, you need to find out why she did what she did.

Just a mention of one thing you said that stood out to me...you seem to treat her like you're her mother. I know it must be because you are at home when she isn't so you make her lunch/dinner? Do you do everything around the house? Don't be a doormat!! Woman don't respect doormats. I am not saying that to be unkind, because I can see you do this to be loving and I think that is lovely. But, I feel much the same about stay at home dads. All the stay at home dads I have met have been like wet fish....Yuck...If you want to keep a woman, you need to be a man, helping is great, doing it ALL is not. That is just my taste mind you...some women like that...

curiouscynic

I wasn't suggesting ACTUALLY swinging. But a swinger's club is a very sexually charged environment. You meet flirtatious people who are interested in you as a couple. That guy flirts with your wife while his wife flirts with you. Swingers in general, are successful, polite people who are sexually open. Nobody is going to attack you. It's typically very Sadie Hawkins, the girls run the show, and some level of bicuriousness among the women is common. It's a very sexy, very flattering, very confidence building environment.

You can dance, meet people who will compliment you and treat you like you're interesting (cause you're fresh meat, LOL), and engage in a little exhibitionism if you're ballsy enough. You'll leave very horny, very sexually charged, and it'll last for a few days.

That's just one suggestion. My point is that they need to experiment. They need to do things TOGETHER that were previously out of the question. And figure out what she's looking for.

still thinking

curiouscynic...Personally, I can't think of anything worse than going to a swingers club...and I can't for the life of me understand why you are trying to introduce a concept like that to a person who is struggling with his wife already being interested in someone else. It's not more people involved in their marriage that they need...it's less.

I get that you are advising him to make their marriage more interesting...but, If my partner suggested this to me he would be looking for somewhere else to live.

steve2

The core issues are trust has been betrayed and the level of preparatory planning and subsequent deceit is worryingly high (this did not happen out of the blue and unexpectedly from her point of view; shge's been mulling about it for some time....unbeknowst to you until recently). Spice or the lack thereof ain't got anything to do with it...apart from provide some needless short-term distraction from your pain.

It says a lot about the status of a relationship when core values - honesty, trust - have been damaged. The mentality shown by the betrayer is predictable: Carefully plan a little "harmless" flirtation with another man, meet with him, let it get a bit more out of hand, then after you get home become overwhemed with manipulative shame and guilt, confess your little heart out, hoping hubby will respond in a positive direction, make-up and...the ground is set for it starting all over again.

Is this what you want? How much of a commitment do you have to the marriage? How much commitment does she have? Do you love one another? How much does she truly want to remain monogamous?

curiouscynic

StillThinking--LOL. You're right. The primary point is that they need to do things TOGETHER that are outside of their comfort zone. It's an extreme example, sure, and not for everybody. It's not the idea of bringing other people into the relationship that's beneficial about going to a place like that. JonathanH said that he was envious that he couldn't have the little fantasy that she had. I think going to a swinger's club [not swinging, not having sexual contact with anyone else] is a way to assuage that emotion. The idea is to recognize that it's natural to be attracted to and be found attractive by the opposite sex. And to figure out how to redirect the feelings of excitement at being found attractive and interesting BACK TO YOUR PARTNER.

Trust me, it works.

If you've never been to one of those clubs, it may be a little difficult to understand. It's not as bad as you think.

If I had a nickel for every girl who said she couldn't think of anything worse than going to a swinger's club and ended up having a great time, getting incredibly turned on, and taking those passions out on her appropriate partner... I'd have like... 30 cents.

Whether you think that's a crappy idea or not. The rest of what I said is valid. If you want the marriage to work, you have to ignore the transgression. Rubbing her nose in it won't help. Asking her why she did it won't help. I promise she did what she did because she feels that she got married too young, wasted her youth, is only 27 and is already old and boring, or is about to be 30 and doesn't know what she wants out of life, blah, blah, blah. Same shit every woman her age deals with on some level. That guy paid more attention to her, more compliments, more flirting... made her feel sexy. She obviously craves some excitement. The hubby has got to give it to her.

Don't ask her about the relationship.

Don't cry, whine, or mope.

Do something fun and unexpected together. Preferably something sexy.

Be a stud. Ravage her. Eat her alive. Remind her that you can't get enough of her.

Women should be treated like shampoo... Wet, lather, rinse, repeat.

SixofNine

While I think just about all of the advice you've given JonathenH is crap; I'd bet money CuriousCynic is dead on with these words:

"I promise she did what she did because she feels that she got married too young, wasted her youth, is only 27 and is already old and boring, or is about to be 30 and doesn't know what she wants out of life, blah, blah, blah. Same shit every woman her age deals with on some level. "

Humans are just not wired to only have one sexual partner. And the only thing hornier than an 18 year old male is a 27-30ish woman. Especially so if she hasn't already experienced at least a small variety of sexual partners.

still thinking

I've had relationships with ALL sorts of men curiouscynic...I think you and Jonathan are from different planets.

He is a keeper...you are not.

Your advice...'don't ask her about the relationship' is ridiculous...women talk...we are not men. My marriage was well and truly over years before I had the affair...too late for talking. She seems open to it...she is still there.

He has been betrayed, he has a right to know why. Otherwise there is a huge possibility it will happen again. Women don't wander just for sex, this is what you just don't seem to grasp. There IS a reason or maybe a few reasons why she has done this...he has a right to know. She has an obligation to explain herself or leave. Jumping into bed together, trying to spice up their sex life is BESIDE the point. It probably has very little to do with why she has done this.

still thinking

SixofNine

Humans are just not wired to only have one sexual partner. And the only thing hornier than an 18 year old male is a 27-30ish woman. Especially so if she hasn't already experienced at least a small variety of sexual partners.

People are not wired to be unhappy in relationships and stay...if your are unhappy, you will look elsewhere. Don't men get that woman don't have affairs just for the sex?

still thinking

I think you described the club quite nicely here curouscynic....

You can dance, meet people who will compliment you and treat you like you're interesting (cause you're fresh meat, LOL),

These clubs are for people who NEED other people to make them feel good about themselves...people who do not value them as human beings, just fresh meat.

SixofNine

Don't men get that woman don't have affairs just for the sex?

Don't women get that women (and men) do things for a variety of reasons? I know women in general "get" just how horny and hungry they and other women can be for life experience. You probably understand that very well, still thinking, you just happen to be working another script in this conversation.

Anyway, you and I agree; she's not happy in her relationship.

So my JW wife cheated on me. Need some help or at least a sympathetic ear.

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