by JonathanH 147 Replies latest jw friends
I hear what your saying SixofNine...and don't disagree. Yes women crave life experience, and that may well be part of her problem. But that doesn't need to include swingers clubs. To me, that just degrades the relationship. If you want to do that, stay single. Don't mess with other peoples emotions.
I am not trying to work a script...just my POV.
Your wife has confessed her transgression and demonstrated humility (taking all the blame) and willingness to make things work. You are already miles ahead of many others. Pressing for details will only prompt and prolong aggravation and anger. Instead, show her what God is like. Forgive her unconditionally and arrange for private professional counselling for the both of you.
by the way...when a trust has been broken...it is up to the person who broke the trust to work their butts off to gain that trust again...not the responsibilty of the other person to forgive and shut up...if you are truly sorry and want to mend things you WILL put up with the questions, you will do whatever it takes to fix the problem.
Trust is earnt
by the way...when a trust has been broken...it is up to the person who broke the trust to work their butts off to gain that trust again...not the responsibilty of the other person to forgive and shut up...if you are truly sorry and want to mend things you WILL put up with the questions, you will do whatever it takes to fix the problem.
Agreed. The question that is never asked will bring doubt not trust and will fester if not resolved. If it can't stand the light of truth and honesty, it ain't worth keeping iMO.
Woman don't respect doormats.
Agreed, from first hand experience. Some like to go off on their "tangents" and have something to come back to. Fuck that.
To the OP, sorry to hear of this situation you're in. Whatever you decide to do, it will take time either way. Go easy.
Well-- I have good reasons for suggesting the things that I do. I certainly wouldn't expect everyone to agree with everything that I suggest. But I will say that they are proven tactics for correcting the sort of problem that the OP is experiencing.
I'm not so stupid as to think that women see things the same way men do. Women do not often "cheat" for purely sexual reasons. Women step outside of a relationship for reasons that I've already stated, feeling unfulfilled, unsatisfied, and unwanted. Most of these problems can be solved by stimulating her through genuine interest and spontaneity. Which is what she felt like she was getting from the extramarital experience. I'm not suggesting that sex is a fix in and of itself. But I am suggesting that there's a reason the girl went over to her coworkers house wearing her sexiest underwear. If a woman feels desired both emotionally and physically [I want your body and appreciate your mind.], she's not likely to feel unfulfilled. That's my point.
Women like to talk things out, they want to be heard. But if you continually harp on someone's bad behavior, causing them to feel bad about themselves, they WILL seek out situations or PEOPLE who make them feel good again. So, if the OP wishes to salvage the relationship, his best course of action is to focus on improving their relationship without punishing her for her past transgressions.
That's just my .02
StillThinking-- I'm not the type of "player" that you imagine.
IMHO, The best advice you have received is to seek professional marriage counciling. If she agrees to go with you that is a good 1st sign that she is willing to work on the relationship. If she refuses...well that is also a sign. Either way you need to know if you even have enough to salvage.
My ex and I benefitted from counciling. Even tho we ended the marriage I could sleep soundly at night knowing I had exausted every possible avenue to save it. Because the therapist is an impartial 3rd party(no dog in the fight like the elders) it's easier to take their advice . Every case is different. In mine, the professional couldn't believe I had put up with so much and stayed so long. He explained the issues and helped me to reason without all the drama. No matter what the out come you will get through this. ((((((hugs))))))
Just a word on marriage counselors. I've only been to one, and he came highly recommended. He counseled my wife and I separately, then together.
He told me that I'm just not the sort of man who has the capacity to be faithful to one woman. That it would be best for me to learn to be discreet with my extramarital encounters. He then referenced another patient of his who regularly hired high-end call girls and suggested I do something similar.
He told my wife that she was married to a high-testosterone alpha-male type, but that she had a right to ask for and expect fidelity.
While counseling us together he never referenced the individual counsel he gave and focused on recommending bullshit about finding activities that we can do together to buid our bond.
So... you can imagine what my opinion of marriage counselors is.
It's important to ask what the counselors philosophy is, and you can find counselors that have a Christian viewpoint and probably wouldn't recommend having affairs on the side.
My sympathies. The same thing happened to me, but the affair went too far and destroyed our marriage (and the lives of others). She disassociated shortly afterward.
Good luck.
Sent you a PM
