So my 35 year old niece is going into rehab for the third time now. This time it's a long stint, two and a half months. She got gov't help since she is techinically homeless. I'm very dissapointed in her, to say the least, and I want to get that point across to her before she leaves on the 30th. I want to say something to her like: don't play around this time, don't try to make friends, do the work, figure it out. etc. She has a confused 17 year old daughter who I would like to see rescued somehow. Me and my sister have some plans for that. But what I would like to know is what should my departing words of wisdom be for this niece. How brutal should I be? Or should I be sympathetic? I want to give her some departing words. Some kind of one liner. I'd like to say " Don't try to make friends, work on yourself." Let me know if you have any thoughts. I'd appreciate it.
what should I say: Niece going into rehab 3rd time
by WhereWasI 37 Replies latest social family
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NewChapter
Frankly a one liner, or anything brutal won't have any affect. It may make you feel better, but what is the goal? It won't actually give her a better chance of being successful, nor will it increase her chances of failing. This is something she has to work out---or not. I find this song an interesting expression of the frustration that comes with rehab and drugs.
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Band on the Run
I will reveal something embarassing: I watch Dr. Drew sometimes. He repeatedly says it is important for members to bond, to be friends b/c the rehab staff can't be around after discharge, friends from rehab can be.
My doctor pulled out a brain model and launched into an explanation about why it is so hard to lose weight. I was raised that addicts were lazy bums and very immoral. It turns out their brains are different. Morality has little to do with it. I would encourage her, let her know you understand the complexity, that she is already suffering the consequences of her addiction. Preacing religion will not help b/c it is not a religious problem.
My doctor confused me. I thought maybe two chemicals were involved. It was such a complex interloop of different factors. The miracle is that anyone loses weight.
Tell her you are looking forward for her completing rehab, and seeing who she authentically is, without addiction clouding the picture. Perhaps plan something special to celebrate when she gets out. Multiple stints are the norm. I saw statistics for substance abuse rehab. They are so low. I spoke with some treatment people at church. The low statistics could be if they factored in only one rehab stint. Two and 1/2 months is nothing to retrain a brain and culture. It sounds as though we only give lip service to rehab. There but for the grace of God, go you.
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NewChapter
I just want to add, I'm speaking from experience. It took me while, but I finally came to understand that nothing I said or did made any difference. The relative that I love had to finally come to the decision themselves---and they did. 10 years clean and sober now. When I finally came to terms with the idea that I was powerless over this and had to be an observer, I found some peace.
Wish her the best. Hold back the judgemental stuff, since it doesn't work anyway. Be supportive of the sober activities, and leave the drunk (or high) stuff to her---she's the expert. I'm sorry that she has a daughter that is affected, and maybe the daughter could benefit from Alanon or CODA.
NC
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NewChapter
BOTR I think you've brought out an incredibly important point. Rehab doesn't usually work the first---or second---or whatever time. Relapses are much more common than not, and no one should ever place the full weight of their emotions on any rehabe stint. Keep the hopes in check, and watch it play out. Don't be overly optomistic, but not overly negative either. Just watch and wait. It's all any of us can do.
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WhereWasI
good points. I needed your help. I need to know how I can be most helpful to her. That is really what I want to do.
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BizzyBee
Best succinct observation on the topic is by Christopher Lawford: "Relapse is part of recovery."
My take-away is: Don't throw in the towel because someone relapses.
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serenitynow!
When I finally came to terms with the idea that I was powerless over this
Sounds like AA. It is true in dealing with any other persons behaviour. I asked my sister who has been 3 years sober w/AA what to do about an exJW guy I know who is alcoholic and has PTSD who talks about killing himself periodically. She says there is not much you can do to make a person wake up and start really trying to be clean. Sometimes folks just have to hit rock bottom I guess.
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EntirelyPossible
"If you fuck this up the third time around, we are taking custody of your daughter, terminating your parental rights and you will be on your own until you decide to get your life in order and be a parent."