to DA or not to DA (page 3)

mamalove

I think it depends on your personality. If you live in a small town, it is likely you will run into people often. Do you want to avoid them or them to avoid you in the grocery store? If you DA, they avoid you. If you fade, you may avoid just to not have to engage in certain conversations. If you are confident in what you will say, then go about your life the way that feels best and take the power away from a group of people that mean nothing in the big picture.

finally awake

Mamalove, that's a big part of my indecision. I do often run into people from the hall at the grocery store, and one sister works at the library (although she has not been to a meeting in a couple of years). I worry about being cornered in public and saying something unkind. I don't hate or even dislike the majority of the people from the hall, but I don't trust myself to respond properly to guilt trips or lectures. If I am officially dissociated, then no one will try to talk to me, but then I feel bad about making it so that the few people there that I truly like can't speak to me. I know it's really their own decision though - it's not like I'd rat them out.

Black Sheep

I worry about being cornered in public and saying something unkind.

If something you say hurts them, the blame for the hurt should go to the WT where it belongs.

You're not guilty of anything.

nugget

In your situation then the children need to be taken into account. If you da then that is the end of your association with the religion and you can walk away from it and get on with your lives. If your remain as an unknown quantity then there is the possibility that elders will come to your home and try to confront you with alleged wrongdoing. if they try this then just tell them that you do not wish to participate in their process and bid them farewell.

When this happened to us they came on a Sunday when both the children were home which was both unloving and unacceptable. To invite us to a jc and talk about consequences was inappropriate. We were happy to tell them to do whatever they wanted since we had no interest in their opinion but it could have been worse.

Live your lives how you wish and put them behind you. When I am shunned I think if I had never been in the religion I would never have met these people and would not know them, therefore it is like I am going back in time and we are strangers. All is right with the world.

sizemik

When I am shunned I think if I had never been in the religion I would never have met these people and would not know them, therefore it is like I am going back in time and we are strangers. All is right with the world.

@nugget . . . what a great way to view things.

Juan Viejo2

Unless you have a very specific reason for wanting to present them a letter of Disassociation, I would recommend that you just walk. That way you are in control and are not playing by their rule book. Don't let them have the final say in your life. Don't show up for any judicial committee meetings. Make it clear that they have NO CONTROL over your life.

I totally agree with sizemik that you have the advantage when you just walk away. Shamus has it exactly right - just leave and if anyone demands that you make it official with a DA letter or meet with them to give them an explanation, tell them to bugger off.

I was notified of my judicial meeting by phone while having dinner at a JW couple's home with my wife. We were having a good time and enjoying the day until that phone rang. I had been accused of adultery by an unknown informant/gossip within the congregation, but had already explained everything to my wife to her satisfaction. It was one of those cases that was totally innocent but appeared at first glance to be compromising. To a Kingdom Hall gossip (an elderette, naturally), the circumstances she had heard about seemed that I might be cheating on my wife. The judicial committee was set up to hear my side of the story in response to that gossip.

But I was already done with being a JW. So when I answered the phone call and heard that I was to appear before a judicial committee, I told them to do whatever they were going to do and leave me out of it. My wife and friends were sitting right there listening and watching as I took the call. When my wife asked me why I said what I did to the Congregation Servant, I told her that I had no desire to go in and defend myself before the committee in order to stay a JW.

"But I will tell them that everything is OK, and that we've cleared it up, and everything between us is OK," she pleaded. But I told her no, I didn't want her to go before the committee and try to defend me. It wasn't necessary and it wasn't what I wanted because she knew the truth and my conscience was clear. I never again went to that Kingdom Hall after that.

My wife was upset for a couple of weeks, but quickly got over it. When the Congregation Servant announced that I was disfellowshipped for "refusing to answer charges of adultery," it just made her mad - and for a while she stopped going to meetings. She told me that when anyone tried to console her, she would try to explain that "the charges [against me] were just nasty gossip" and she knew they weren't true. But their response was cold and unbelieving. Everyone seemed like they were supposed to shun her and treat her like an outcast even though she was completely innocent and her reputation was spotless.

We moved away a few months later and she started going back to the Kingdom Hall in our new town. But I never went back. We remained married for another 5 or 6 years.

I was sorry that the situation upset my wife and that she was treated so badly. I was so pissed that they would believe and act on rumors and gossip, that I was done with them forever. After I took that phone call I felt so much better, free at last from ever having to go into a Kingdom Hall again - unless I wanted to or had a specific reason (like a family funeral). This was in the mid-1960s when shunning wasn't as severe as it now, so my wife and I remained friends with the couple who overheard the phone call along with other JW friends and family members for several years.

For me, my family, my children and grandchildren - that was the most important phone call I ever answered. Who knows what might have happened if I had attended that judicial meeting and tried to defend myself before three men who didn't want to listen and probably already had their mind made up. My now ex-wife agreed with me then - and even more so now that she is no longer a JW - very happy that I took that stand.

JV

Wayward Son

I DA'd.

But I know a lot more now than I did then and I often wonder how many seeds of doubt I could have planted had I retained the ability to communicate with the friends. I regret being so hasty in my decision.

punkofnice

My desicion was to go on living my life and ignore the elders on the basis that I no longer recognized the watchtower's authority. It's my life and none of their business!

I ignored their letters, told them not to call me if it was about watchtower business and they eventually DA'd me by default anyway.

As Crowley said 'Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law!'

sacolton

Definitely DA and make it clear that you do NOT want to be contacted in any way. You get to have the last word.

DesirousOfChange

Is it better to get ahead of it and disassociate ourselves, or wait for the elders to do it for us?

I'm not even far along in fading, so very little freedom of speech on the matter.

Still, I see taking the action to DA as still playing by THEIR rules. It still recognizes that you owe them something or that they have some kind of authority over you. I'd say if you don't mind what they do............then just move on with your life and ignore them.

JMHO

DOC

to DA or not to DA

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