I know you are scared, I remember being terrified. I too struggled with, what does Jehovah want? These men "claim" to speak for Jehovah, that is not the same as actually speaking for him. The bible is very clear on this matter. If they say I said something, and it doesn't happen, they are not speaking for me. As you are seeing for yourself, they HAVE claimed to speak for Jehovah and it HASN'T come to pass. They are NOT speaking for Jehovah. This organization is NOT Jehovah. You will soon be able to separate the two, just take a deep breath. You don't have to leave Jehovah. One thing at a time.
They (the WT) claims not to be inspired, therefore they can make whatever mistakes they want to. They claim, they do not speak for Jehovah, therefore they can make whatever mistakes they want to. You will find however, in their own literature, they have made MANY claims to speak for Jehovah, many claims that Jehovah puts these things "directly into their heads", they claim to be the prophet class (Jeremiah class, Ezekiel class, etc). Claiming doesn't make it true. The bible tells us how we will know His prophets.
I too recommend Crisis of Conscience. A Governing Body member, who devotes his whole life to this organization, becomes a Governing Body member, and gives it all up, in his late 50s, to mow lawns. Don't you want to know WHY? I did.
It gives real insight to the inner workings of this organization. I was scared to read it, so I read up on Raymond Franz first. Seemed that everyone who knew him, both in and out of the organization, both active and DF'd, didn't have much negative to say about him, most were glowing reviews of the man, humble, loved the bible, loved Jehovah, caring, etc. The only real bad reviews of the man and the book, were by those who didn't know him, and hadn't read the book.
So I (breaking out in cold sweats at first) read the book. I was most impressed with how fair he was. I was expecting anger and venom, that's not what he wrote. He just told what happened, without being mean. It also helped free me from this organization, and separate Jehovah from this organization. I also, researched what he wrote about, I still had to see it for myself, you could say.
JWs will argue that he was DF'd, therefore unreliable. The reality, he resigned, and left, and they cracked down on how you treat the DF'd and the DA'd, and then DF'd him retroactively to pre-emptively shut him up. People who knew him, couldn't understand what was happening, and many people were being hurt as a result, trying to find out. That was why he wrote the book, so folks would know, without getting hurt. Ironic that in trying to shut him up, they forced him to speak out. If the GB would have just left folks alone, he probably would have never said a word. He wasn't out to cause trouble, he was only trying to stop the trouble that was being caused.
You will hear things about the 'great purge of 1980'. I personally was around at that time, and remember it. One Watchtower, Jesus is mediator for all, next Watchtower he is only the mediator for the 144K. Many had a problem rectifying that with the scriptures, Raymond included. Many left, many were unfairly DF'd, it was a frantic and paranoid time.
The WT wants to control all the information, they want you to only hear their side. You will find, for the most part, many of us, only want to help you find out for yourself. Most of us are not interested in telling you WHAT to think, or HOW to think, we just encourage you to think.
If you haven't seen the matrix, now might be a good time. This is very much like that. We find our whole world, isn't real. Whoa. Even tho we never learn to do the superman thing haha, we do gain freedom.
