Since the start of 2013, Mrs Smith and I have only been to a handful of meetings. Fortunately with public holidays and annual leave it has been relatively easy to get away with it. We have only received one text querying our absence, and this was from our dear friend Sister T whom I have mentioned here before. We explained it away by saying we were on holidays, or not feeling well. Being a good friend her reply was simply "No worries, miss you guys, if you need anything give me a call and I will be happy to help." Like a normal friend, she was concerned, not that we were missing meetings, but that we were okay. She is such a sweetie.
In a later text, she mentioned that there were few people in the congregation who were wondering where we had been. I said to Mrs Smith "Isn't that typical of witnesses, they show their 'concern' for you by talking about you to others." We most definitely did not have a slew of text messages or voicemails from these so called friends who were missing us. Coincidentally, Mrs Smith had a coffee with a sister from our congregation who also mentioned that a few people had asked her where we were. This sisters reply - bless her - was "Why don't you ask them yourself, I'm sure they would love a call from you." As mentioned though, the only person who has kept in regular touch is Sister T, we have heard absolutely nothing from anyone else.
Recently at the supermarket, Mrs Smith ran into another sister from our congregation, one whose son was disfellowshipped last year. In the conversation, the sister said that her son was getting married, and had posted them an invitation. She said that they sent the invitation back with a message saying they won't be going. So cold. So harsh. This is their only son, their only child.
This week after our midweek meeting concluded one of the elders came up to where we were sitting, put one arm around me, and extended the other in handshake "Hello Winston, how's it going?" I shook his hand and said "I'm very well thanks, never better!" He then leans in with a serious look on his face and says "I was wondering if I might be able to come around and visit?" "I said what do you mean?" (knowing full well what he meant) "You mean like a shepherding call" "Yes, he said" looking at me over the top of his glasses in a you-know-what-I'm-talking-about kind of way. I looked at Mrs Smith and said in a cheery voice "No thanks,we are all good, we're fine, but thanks for asking." He seemed to go a little red and then said "Well, you know we have a program of shepherding...." and just kind of trailed off. Honestly I felt like pointing out that he was using the term 'program' in a very general sense as it is evident there is no program, but instead, I again cheerily I said "Yes I know that, I used to be an elder remember. We're fine thanks" "Well," he says "that's your decision." I looked straight at him with a big innocent smile on my face and said, "Yes I know that." All he could do was say "Okay" and then scuttled off.
Last night Mrs Smith and I had a good chat about where we are at and how things are going. While we are happy with our progress out of the cult, we are both getting more and more frustrated with wanting to just break free and be done with it. Hearing about that sisters son getting married (who was a good friend of ours) really pissed us off. Also the way the elder spoke to us, asking to come to our house when he has barely spoken three words to us in the last year, I thought was just plain rude. Why not have us over for dinner and get to know us? The mentality and bloody mindedness of JWs is downright awful.
In our conversation, we came to the realisation that given our situation, we will never be completely free of this organisation. Fading out of it here where we live will be nigh on impossible due to the relationships we have in our congregation and surrounds as a result of being an elder and traveling speaker (for public talks). Even moving to another, further away location in our city will not solve this as people know people and because of circuit and district assignments, we know people everywhere. Moving interstate could be an option but we have put a lot of hard work in to get to where we are. And to be honest we really like where we live, and my job, while it is no world changer, it is something I get a good challenge out of and most of the time enjoy. Moving interstate would mean we have to start all over again, and also would not solve how can explain away our fade from friends and family back in NZ.
Mrs Smith and I both said that we are both at the point of wanting to just disassociate ourselves and be done with it. While we are against having to write a letter and 'play by their rules' it would solve a lot of hassles, and allow us to get on with our lives. In our situation an ongoing fade, or even an immediate commencement of across the board inactivity would end up raising questions and mean that we would be cut off from being able to help certain others get out from the cult. We have made some excellent progress with Sister T for example, and know that with some more gentle prodding she may just wake up completely. We have some other friends with whom we have been sowing seeds of doubt.
So after discussing all this, Mrs Smith says "What if just one of us disassociated?"
This got us thinking. We both agreed that if we went down this path it should be me that disassociates as I am very comfortable defending my position should the need arise. Mrs Smith is happy to play the 'wife of an unbeliever' role, and in such a position might be better placed to sow seeds of doubt amongst her / our friends and maybe in some small way help them. With a disassociated hubby, she will be less likely to be questioned about missing meetings. She will be looked upon with that most unpious JW version of pity. She can then fade harder than before using me as an excuse. Yes there will be an initial storm, but we know that we have greater patience than any elder and will simply ignore their requests for meetings and explanation until they lose interest and write me off.
As we see it, the hardest part is going to be breaking the news to my Mum, my sister, and Sister T. My Mum and I have always had a good and open relationship and I honestly think that if I take the time to explain to her my reasons she would be okay with it. I have good reason to believe this that I can't share here. Of course we are not so naive as to think that the cult shutters might slam down too. Mum is a very resonable and logical person and I have mentioned in emails to her that some recent decisons and actions by the organisation and elders have left me 'uncomfortable' (I referred to but did not specifically mention the child abuse policies). My sister as you know has recently had some awful experiences with her local elders. Who knows, maybe me taking this step will help her grow the balls she needs to stand up to them and her prick of a husband and begin to lead her own life. Sister T has said on more than one occasion that "she doesn't know what she would do with out us" and "the only reason I'm in the truth is because of you" By having just me disassociate, Mrs Smith can remain in contact and ease the blow while also continuing to help Sister T (and maybe others) wake up.
So this is what we are thinking at the moment apostamates. We haven't made any concrete decisions yet. Would love to hear from you. Especially if you have been in the same or similar situation. During my time serving as an elder I never had anyone in our congregation disassociate, so am interested in hearing from people (either DAers or elders who have dealt with it) who had this experience, and am also going to look up the DA section in the Book of Elders to refresh my memory of the 'official' process.
Would love to hear your thoughts.
Mr and Mrs Smith
