How Suicidal Thoughts can take over your Life. (page 3)

sizemik

Thanks L Lee . . . a selfless way to open a discussion

I've walked the road too . . . but there's not much new in the details. The dark room only seems to have one door when you're in it.

I found this piece of lyric today . . . it put a slightly different perspective on things. Forgetting the lost battles and remembering the hard fought victories it took to get here . . . that is the real measure of who we are. We are formidable.

I found encouraging so here 'tis . . .

WHAT YOU DO WITH WHAT YOU'VE GOT (Si Kahn)

It's not what you're born with . . . It's what you choose to bear
It's not how big your share is . . . It's how much you can share
It's not the fights you dreamed of . . . It's those you really fought
It's not what you're given . . . It's what you do with what you've got

You must know someone like him - tall and strong and lean
Body like a greyhound and a mind so dark and keen
His heart just like a laurel grew twisted round itself
Till almost everything he did brought pain to someone else

What's the use of two good legs . . . if you only run away?
What's the use of the finest voice . . . if you've nothing good to say?
What good is strength and muscle . . . if you only push and shove?
And what's the use of two good ears . . . if you can't hear those you love?

Between those who use their neighbours . . . and those who use a cane
Between those in constant power . . . and those in constant pain
Between those who run to glory . . . and those who cannot run
Tell me which ones are the cripples . . . and which ones touch the sun?

Lady Lee

mammochan

the things their parents had taught them would always be there, and they would not forget. I think that will be true of your daughters, but in a different way. The person you are - loving, caring, kind, and compassionate - those qualities are in your children.

The problem is that when they were young the only mother they saw was a very messed up one. I had never dealt with my childhood abuse issues and was living with an emotionally abusive, controlling man. Emotionally I was a disaster trying to make everything look good on the outside. That had to affect them. They don't know the person I have become once all the other stuff was out of the way. I won't dump totally on me. Their father carries his own share of responsibility. And I did the best I could to not repeat my mother's mistakes. But I was still a broken person. Maybe one day they will see this part of me. I know the older one who sees me with her children has seen a very different person than the one she grew up with.

So how do we stop the suicidal thoughts from taking over?

We stop them immediately from taking over our thinking; by not using those thoughts as a crutch to avoid dealing with the pain we feel. We get the help we need and there are many ways of doing that. The thing with therapy is that it isn't just the 45 minutes (or whatever) we spend in the counselor's office. We have to take what we learn there and start using it every day.

Chris I was thinking about youy last night and the song "In the arms of an angel" Your arms have spread all the way north and you have been there for me. Thank you for being my angel.

No life isn't fair. But it is what we make of it. I want mine to be productive. I want to know I have repaired the damage others have caused and used it to help other people. I don't have much in this life but me. And I want "me" to be the best I can. Which I guess means I have to stick around. lol

I do not want to die. It was a momentary thought that I recognized as a danger signal. And clearly the pain was bigger than I thought it was. And it was time to seek help. My doctor suggested meds but I only want to do that if the talking doesn't help. And it is helping a great deal - even in just a few sessions talking to people.

Lady Lee

hemp lover

the older daughter has 3 children. I'm not going anywhere

kurtbethel

Near the end of my marriage I got involved in a few behaviors that were very dangerous, mostly speeding on the highway. I came very close to crashing the car one day - lost control and started zigzagging down an offramp. It scared me so much that I had to stop and pull over at the bottom of the ramp. The person behind me stopped also and said he thought for sure I was going to lose total control. It was I think an event that helped me realize I didn't want to be dead.

Like you I too have had bike accidents - one where if I had gone over the handlebars the other way a truck would have killed me for sure. Please be careful

flyinghighnow

We can only hope

Lady Lee

wow sizemik. I think I will print that out and read it daily

Big Tex

My doctor suggested meds but I only want to do that if the talking doesn't help. And it is helping a great deal - even in just a few sessions talking to people.

We've talked about the benefits and traps of meds. I started off 25 years ago being against meds, then because it helped my son, I softened. I am back to being very very anti-med. I think you know why.

I do think it is better long term to go through the pain in the short term, face it and get past it. So many meds have side effects that only magnify the original pain and lead to other complications that would never have happened.

But of course each person must make the choice for themselves. Just don't take your doctor's word on this as very often they have an agenda, contracts, bonuses, etc. that is not in your best interests. Trust your therapist and most of all trust yourself.

Chris

FlyingHighNow

Lee, I hope you are feeling better, at least some, today.

FlyingHighNow

Sometimes anxiety and fear can be so physically painful and debilitating that anti-anxeity medication, used judiciously, can mean the difference between being able to function and even to live. I know that along with therapy and people who love me, for me it has helped life to be worth living. When I say judicious, I mean very careful, sparing use. Getting the proper coping tools through therapy has helped greatly to find the positives, even facing the worst of losses.

mamochan13

Meds can help in some situations, used judiciously as FlyingHigh says. There is a viewpoint, though, that meds serve as a crutch and can actually interfere with your ability to pull out of depression. REcovery really is much more than the 45 minutes with a therapist.

I wanted to comment, LadyLee, on what you said about being a messed up mother. It resonated with me, since I was pretty messed up for a long time, too, after being DFd and spiraling into depression. Kids don't understand mom being sick. The adults around you don't know how to cope with depression, for your kids it's even worse. My eldest daughter still has trust issues with me because of it, even though she has seen that I'm not that person anymore and haven't been for a very long time. Unfortunately there is a tendency to remember the bad times more than the good.

So I understand what you are saying. It's good one of your daughters is learning that about you. Hopefully with time your other daughter will come to recognize it as well. ANd for that, you do have to stick around! :)

Left in the Cold

LadyLee, thank you for mentioning something many of us are not brave enough to talk about. I've been in so much pain this year. I just wanted my heart to stop. I was hospitalized in June for depression. Its still hour to hour some days, but it helps so much to know you're not alone, and to hear you say it gets better. I hope to be content or even happy again one day. I will be thinking a lot about you and I wish you very well.

Lady Lee

I'm already on all kinds of meds for pain. I have never used meds before, although there was a period of time when it would have helped.

I have been through therapy before and I know it from both sides of the desk so I feel ok just talking. I have no idea what will hit me next but my doctor and I have talked about it and I really trust her. And I now trust myself enough to know when to ask for meds.

I have often thought that if the younger one had kids she might understand more. She would have a chance to see the improved me. But then again she needs so much help that I'm glad she doesn't have any. At least I know she won't make many of the mistakes I made.

Left in. Don't give up. Take all the help offered well reasonable because there are a lot of pill-pushers and quacks out there. You have many people here who understand and can support you. You are not left in the cold anymore.

How Suicidal Thoughts can take over your Life.

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