How Suicidal Thoughts can take over your Life.

by Lady Lee 57 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Lady Lee

  It was hard to decide to open this topic with oompa's death so close to aso many here. So I hung on to it for a couple of weeks to give you all breathing time. But it is a topic that we really need to talk about. There are far too many JW or ex-JW suicides that we hear about or know of.

  I would like to say something about the survivor guilt that many of you might be experiencing.

  Survivor guilt happens to many people when someone thye know takes thier life. You wind up thinking that maybe you could have said or done something to stop the person and get them the help they needed. You emotionally beat yourself up because you didn't do anything. The guilt can become overwhelming and this actually raises your risk of suicide.

  We do not have the power to stop someone who is intent on harming themself. We can support, offer suggestions, encourage them to seek professional help. But we can't force people to accept those things.

  • JWs are taught that if they die before Armageddon, they have a chance at the resurrection.
  • Some people think it is the only way to stop the pain.
  • Some people believe that if they die people will realize the harm they have done. They want to make them feel ashamed or sorry for the shunning or other abuses they had done.

  I have thought all of the above. But I have to remember that I would have missed so much if I had taken my life 30 years ago.

  • I would never have gone to college or university.
  • I never would have learned that I was smarter than my parents told me I was.
  • I never would have had the wonderful and satisfying career I had working with survivors of various abuse.
  • I never would have seen my children grow up or seen my grandchildren.
  • I never would have taken a cruise to Alaska (a lifelong dream) or piloted a plane.
  • I never would have had opportunity to explore the many creative talents I seem to have.
  • I never would have made it to the internet and found out the real truth behind the the WT walls.
  • I never would have been a part of this forum which has helped me so much and I would never been able to offer so much in return.
  • I never would have gone to many conferences on abuse issues or the last one where I got to speak about the invisible victims of JWs.

  Much was taken away from me but much has been given to me as well.

  I turned 60 this year. I hate it and have been having a hard time with it. I am at a stage where 2/3 of my life is over. The women in my family all live well into their 90s. My grandmother poassed away a couple of years before she turned 100. My mother is still going strong. So I might have another 25 or more years to go. I have to try to see the positives that will occur in the coming years. Who knows what my next experience will be. I want these vcomign years to be filled with new interests, new experiences, new friends and hopefully both daughters and my grandchildren, and maybe a great grandchild or two.

  I have plans and I want to implement them. My life is not over.
• 

  Lady Lee

  beautifully said 00DAD
• 

  perfect1

  Dear Lady Lee,

  Thanks for your post! First, it reminded me of my own forgotten- maybe dormant habit of playing dead, only it wasnt really playing. Like your nightly death rehearsals, my daytime corpse acting could last hours. Sometimes I would hide and at others I would lie out in the open waiting for someone to come across my (dead) body! We lived in a remote part of town so I was not always discovered. When my father came home from work and ignored me (had to prepare for all those meetings, as an elder) I would often fake my death in front of him hoping for a reaction. I remember dying particularly violent deaths as my body was riddled by enemy bullets.

  Yes, its a little bit of bizarre behavior for a child.

  I probably did this for attention, yes, but also, to test these parent of mine that I always suspected of not really loving me.

  Also, as a witness child, death is possible at any moment. It makes for a morbid childhood.

  As an adult I have struggled at times with thoughts of erasing myself. That is how I think of it. I will be removing myself, and the world will continue. People who never feel this way cannot understand the temptation, the way it seems easy, even necessary.

  These thoughts seldom cross my mind anymore, in part because my current beliefs do not see death as an ending. Its likely my consciouness will go on, and I dont yet know how to die.

  Also, I want to live. I have love I dont need to test.
• 

  Twitch
• 

  nuthouse escapee

  Lady Lee, Thank you for starting this topic. It takes courage to pour out one's life to others. This is a topic that must be brought into the open. There are so many of us who have walked in the shoes of feeling hopeless, in despair, and feeling like death is the only solution. If it helps even just one person to seek help and to realize that others have come through this, then it is worth it.

  My first thoughts of suicide began at age 15. Tried and was unsuccessful. I experienced suicidal thoughts throughout my adult life. Had attempted but failed a few more times. After leaving the JW's I went through counselling and just let it all out, hiding nothing. I have to take medication to keep the brain chemicals balanced and will likely have to for the rest of my life. I now love life.

  Fear of how it would look to the medical professionals and how it would reflect badly on the JW's, kept me from getting the needed treatment. I felt guilt and shame for not being happy. It compounded the depression because I felt like I must be doing something wrong if Jehovah's people were so happy and I wasn't. As I have mentioned in other posts, I am bi-polar, few manic episodes and fairly consistent depression.

  I had a whole repertoire of methods thought up to facilitate my demise. I am grateful that I was not successful and now that I have experienced what it is like to be happy, I recognize immediately when things start to go south. I never want to get into the situation that Sizemik described so well "The dark room only seems to have one door when you're in it".

  Keep up the good work LL. And, congrats on your relationship with your older daughter. Leslie
• 

  flipper

  Very good thread Lady Lee. Bump this to the top ! Good suggestions
• 

  FlyingHighNow

  Life is precious. For most of us, there is something good that happens every single day we live. I look for those positive moments. Happiness can come in bits and pieces and it can come in bigger blocks. We can help ourselves to recognize that and not miss the smaller moments, while waiting for our lives to get happy all of the time.
• 

  Lady Lee

  Just wanted to come back and add a few thoughts

  First I am doing fine. Great in fact. The depression is gone and so is the fear (that I would also lose my oldest daughter)

  Second I am continuing therapy because clearly this triggered some issues that I want to resolve now instead of waiting for the next crisis to happen.

  And third I want you to know there are resources that you can use if you are depressed or begin to have thoughts about harming yourself

  • Many cities have crisis phone lines that you can call to talk to someone. They are listed in the front of the telephone book. They may be called crisis lines, depression, suicide action hot lines. If your city has this service check your phone book front pages. Some numbers will get you to people who will come to visit you and get you the help you need. Maybe that is just the visit or just the phone call. But if you need temporary supervision they may help you to the hospital or some cities have special crisis shelters where you can stay for a few days.
  • If you are depressed much of the time there might be a chemical imbalance that requires medication. You will need to see a doctor who will prescribe something. If that doesn't work you may need to try a different medication. Brain chemistry is very complex and what works for one person might not work for you so be prepared to work with your doctor to find what works for you
  • Get counseling. Many places provide counseling free of charge of on a sliding scale. Hospitals can often charge a lot less (not free in some countries).
    • Universities often have counseling programs. They need people for the program where you will be seen by an intern. Generally the interns are in their last year of internship and they are well supervised. McGill University was charging people $5 a session.
    • I got some excellent counseling at Catholic Family Services. $1 a session. At no time was I "encouraged" to go to church. It never even came up although we did discuss the JWs.
    • Many therapists use a sliding scale to determine how much you will pay. I had a flat rate but always took 1 or 2 people for free.
  • Psychiatrists are medical doctors who have specialized. Like other medical doctors they can prescribe medications so if you do need medications you can try your family doctor and he might refer you to a psychiatrist.
  • Psychologists do not have medical training. They do not prescribe medication. They specialize in psychological problems and use a wide range of therapies. Finding the right kind of therapy for you us important.
    • Behavioral therapists will focus on the ways you behave in certain situations. He or she might help you devise a strategy to deal with family members who shun you. If you get very anxious before seeing family then this type of therapy might be good for you.
    • Cognitive therapists will focus on how you think about things. They can help you identify false beliefs that you act on to your detriment. As ex-Jehovah's Witnesses there are a lot of false beliefs we have about ourselves that need to be confronted. Generally we have been labeled as bad, sinful and the worst - apostate. A cognitive therapist can help you see your way though this kind of thinking. You are not evil for leaving a religion.
    • Affective therapists help people cope with their feelings. Depression, anxiety, anger issues easily fall into this category.
    • Eclectic therapists use a bit of everything.
  • Social workers, family therapists, counselors, pastoral counselors often focus on family issues. They may use many of the same strategies that psychologists use. They cannot prescribe medication. While psychologists main focus is on the person, this third group focus on the person and their social environment, family, friends and the wider community. Their fees are often a lot less than the first 2 groups. This group of therapists might be an excellent source of help.

  This list is based on how the system works in Canada. It may be slightly different in other countries. Do some research. Find the right kind of therapy for you and the right therapists. Therapists are just like everyone else. We don't automatically "fit" with everyone else. If the "fit" isn't right keep shopping for someone that you think you can really work with.

  Don't be afraid to ask questions. You are hiring a person to help you with some serious problems. If you wanted your car fixed you would make sure the person you hired was the right person to fix the job. Same thing goes for therapists. Hire the right person for the job.