Hey guys...
I have a few important questions for everyone. This applies to doubters, faders, inactive, DFed or seasoned apostates. First, let me set it up:
Ok, I'm in year 2 of my fade. Some of my family knows that I'm "struggling" but I have not had the guts to just come right out and explain it all. There is a lot at stake, so, I have to prolong the misery. Because of this, I believe I am guilty of giving them false hope that I'll eventually come around. Then there are days after I read experiences on this forum, talk to other escapees or listen to motivating stories online or via podcast and I get all pumped up and passionate about defending my escape. I rehearse conversations I want to have with friends and family over and over in my mind. I've rehearsed so well, I could easily defuse any of their predicted comebacks or apologetics. I am confident that I could do this in a tactful, loving, non-combative way without sounding like I'm specifically anti-JW. It seems, no matter how confident I get, one minor thing can send me right back into the old JW paranoia mindset that I thought I overcame.
This week, I spoke with a family member who doesn't know my full story (at least, I think she doesn't). During conversations with friends and family who are still inside, I always wear the "JW hat" to maintain my cover. However, in this recent conversation, she brought up the names of a few exJWs in the area, shared some current rumors about them and used the word "apostate." Now understand, I keep occasional contact with these exJWs and do a good job of being very low key about it. She relayed gossip to me about these people that I know is not true. Some rumors are grossly exaggerated, others are totally false. Nevertheless, rumors are flying about them inside the JW community. I wanted to defend them, but knew that if I did, it would blow my cover. So I had to feign ignorance, surprise and outrage. I was forced to participate and provide the appropriate JW reaction to gossip about "apostates."
I've had to do this in the past and had no problems. But for some reason, this conversation sent me down a spiral of mental anguish. While wearing this JW "hat," I got a potent reminder of just how horribly apostates and exJWs are perceived from within the bOrg. When she mentioned that term "apostate" about my friends, it had a profound emotional impact. I know these people. I understand their experiences. I know they're not bad or evil. In most cases, they've actually improved their own personalities! But to JWs, that's all they are: apostates. And with that one word, these people are labled with so many terrible and scary things!
I haven't slept for days and I've been paranoid ever since. ("Wait a sec, I thought she was cool--she's expressed doubts to me privately before and I know there are things she doens't take seriously, so why would she throw out such a harsh label and believe in and pass along this gossip?" "OMG she must know I'm frineds with them! Did she bring these names up to fish me out? Is she trying to catch me in an admission?") I reverted back to my own JW mindset when I was still active. I remembered how i felt about apostates when i was active. Even tho I had my own doubts and privately broke JW rules at the time, I still had such a revulsion for anything "apostate." It was automatic when I heard that word. They were icky, scary, demon-possessed people (even tho I knew back then that I was agnostic, "demonic" still packs a punch). They are the "bad guy" in every child's favorite comic book or TV series. "Apostates" brings up the same emotional reaction Americans felt when the twin towers were hit or when Pearl Harbor was attacked or when a visiting rival cheats and gets away with scoring against your favorite home team. They are the enemy. "Apostates have nothing better to do with their time than attack us." Do you remember feeling that way about apostates? For some reason, that automatic trigger fired during this conversation. I relived all those feelings and emotions JWs have about ex-members. It was terrible, because I got a first-hand reminder of how my friends are perceived. And for the first time, I applied that to myself. That's exactly how they will think of me if they ever find out: the destructive and evil enemy whose only interest is attacking a prized possession. It kills me to think that I will be the cause of those feelings--however inappropriate and inaccurate they may be--in people I deeply care about. I don't want to hurt them! I don't want to be thought of as an evil, dirty enemy who draws a line in the sand, crosses it, turns back and taunts them! That's not what we're about, but they'll never understand our side of the story!I am deeply troubled by this.
Does this ever happen to anyone here? If so, how do you come to terms with it? For sensitive people like me, who put a lot of emphasis on what others think, how do you deal with this? How did you finally decide to be open about your opposition, even though you knew that in the eyes of every JW, you'd discard the white hero's uniform and replace it with the "evil enemy's" black uniform? Is the mental and emotional freedom from JW bondage worth the torment of knowing how you are perceived by people you really care about who are still inside the bOrg? Does it get better over time? If you've reverted into these powerful emotions, will they occur less frequently? I am so sad right now I could cry.