How do I as a future "Therapist" help ex-jws that won't move on from the WT?

by booker-t 84 Replies latest watchtower child-abuse

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  Ucantnome

  Plus I'd rather sit here typing nonsense than getting on with what i'm supposed to be doing.
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  Lady Lee

  erbie

  You make some very interesting points and I would like to address them because they are important

  I think Roberta makes a truly excellent point with respect to therapists who see their primary role as 'helping' other JW's leave their religion or in helping others who are struggling to 'move on'. In their case I too would question whether they themselves really have moved on. Probably they have not.

  As an incest survivor who had done the therapy and dealt with so much abuse I believed that with training I had something special to offer others who had been abused. I had no business doing therapy with people if I had not dealt with my own issues. In the program I was with the profs told us that they were shocked to find that some therapists recommended that people take the program and become therapists so that they could deal with their own issues!!! Need less to say they were not invited to join the program. Our program now only considered exams and papers as evidence of our understanding of the material but we were required to "pass" an interview where we were assessed on our suitability to provide counseling to clients. Several people were told to take a year off and get counseling and one was told they were not suitable and they were deleted from the program.

  Some people may think that is harsh. After all the person had paid to take these course. But the profs and admins of the program were concerned about what kind of counselors they were providing the community. Remarks like "move on" would have be reason enough to tell a student to take a year out and get counseling before coming back.

  I am ashamed to say that I am also one of those poor unfortunates who has found it impossible to 'move on'. I left the WT first and my wife and kids followed shortly after. She instantly made a new circle of friends, went back to University (which I also have done) and she just moved on straight away. Or so it seems.

  I think it is a little harder for men to make the transition emotionally. There are so many expectations society puts upon them to be the "breadwinner". It doesn't leave a lot of time for the same kind of friendships that women have. Many men base their friendships on common interests, sports probably being the first. As JWs there was no time for sports or other hobbies so I think men have a much harder time first finding an interest and then finding men who share it

  Women will bond over almost anything so it is a lot easier for us to build a circle of friends. Plus women are more open to talking to their friends about things that affect them emotionally. Men don't get that opportunity

  I, however, have found it very difficult to really move myself forward in a spiritual sense as I have been led to believe that all other religion is Satanic or of the Devil.

  Moving on does not have to mean finding a new religion. Some do. Many if not most don't. What is important, I think, (yes my opinion) is to know what you don't want or believe. It is hard sometimes to find what you do want if you haven't figured out what you don't want. I found a certain contentment if being OK with where I am right now. If that changes then I will look for whatever it will me that makes me feel OK at that time. We grow. We change and mature and I think change is a process that goes on throughout out lives.

  I did go to a therapist but she always said that she was not allowed to give me her opinion as it was just that-her opinion and as such was of no real value to me. She would not even answer my questions as she said that her answer would only reflect her opinion and that I should not care what other people think.

  There are many schools of thought that the counselor should never talk about their own beliefs. They should be a blank slate that reflects your thoughts helping you to find your own answers. Another part of not sharing is that if a counselor has not dealt with their own issues the clients can wind up counseling the counselor. Nothing like paying your therapist for counseling him or her.

  There is a newer school of thought that a counselor can judiciously share their experience when that sharing is for the benefit of the client and not the counselor. I definitely lean towards this type of counseling. As an incest survivor I understood in a way many non-victim counselors would never understand. I had been there and I knew the road out so-to-speak. I shared not only parts of my story but also stories I read in books. This was important because my path is not your path. People are different and respond differently to situations so I needed top make sure they understood there were many ways to deal with some problems other than my way.

  I believe that victims of abuse and trauma know so little about what is normal, especially if the abuses go back to their childhood, that working with a counselor who has shared the experience can help a lot. Help us to see options, learn decision-making skills (after a lifetime of having all our decisions made for us this was crucial), learn how to deal with our emotional responses, and begin to see the world was not as bad as we were led to believe.

  I quickly realized that I was wasting my time talking to a person who, for whatever reasons, is not able to express their own personal opinion based on life-experience, education, wisdom, etc. You really are better off talking through your struggles with a friend/aquaintance who is able to talk to you on a level.

  I agree. The match between you and that counselor was not good. She should have referred you to someone else.

  Anyway, after quite some time it has become obvious to me why I have not been able to move on and I am taking steps to change that. For quite some time a friend kept asking me to join their choral society. I repeatedly declined because I did not want to become involved with something I had always been led to believe was unclean despite the fact that I have always fancied doing it. Now I have a change of heart and believe it will do me a lot of good.

  Doing any of the things that were "forbidden" is I think important, as long as it doesn't hurt you or someone else. You may find out you don't like it and can move on to something else or you will find something that you love and have a passion for or it might fall somewhere in between. Be prepared for the guilt factor to set it. WT control techniques are strong. But don't give in to the guilt placed on you by other people. They have no idea who you are.

  Ultimately, for me to truly 'move on' will probably require moving away but in the meantime there are other things I can do to help myself.

  I found that helped. Many posters here say it really helped to put distance between themselves and the JWs around them. And yes work on the possibilities the world has to offer.

  Good luck to all of you-I know its a struggle.

  And the same to you. Believe me as you shrug off WT beliefs you will find a happiness that you most likely never had as a JW
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  Lady Lee

  why oh why can't I give short answers
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  AuntConnie

  Lady Lee "why oh why can't I give short answers"

  1. You are full of compassion and love.

  2. You provide loving counsel to religious and non religious people without broadcasting how smart you are. I wish more people in the world would take heed from you, I enjoy reading all your material because you really think hard about what the poster is trying to say, instead of scanning through or skipping the questions. Lady Lee's talent or gift she shares with everyone.

  3. The Kingdom Hall, remember Lady Lee how people would wildy raise their hand when a sister or brother would begin their comment? The fine example of "speaking before you listen" has alway's troubled me. I know in minutes if a person is going to become my friend or I will avoid them due to their lack of respect of dialogue. I imagine you waiting patiently until the publisher had commented and than you raise your hand with valid and relevant conversation. Agape Love my Christian Sister.
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  Lady Lee

  Oh Aunt Connie I was such a shy thing back then. I commented because as an elder's wife it was expected of me. Now that I have my own mind I like to use it and give other people the opportunity to use theirs. And I prefer to treat them as if they do have a mind of their own.