It was yesterday morning and hubby and I were having a huge sleep in. It was just after ten, and with me being a bit flu-ey I was quite capable of staying in bed longer. Hubby was feeling it too, and we were pleasantly drifting in and out to the sounds of birds.
Then suddenly, cloomp, cloomp, cloomp up the front stairs, then "rap-rap-rap" on the front screen door, that rapid-fire, strong knock of the practiced door-knocker. Hubby and I rouse, and mutter, "Who could it be?"
I told him I'd see to it, because he was in his boxers while I was more suitably attired in flannel pj pants and old band t-shirt. So I dragged my sleep-and-virus addled, coffee-deprived brain to the door, and there with perfectly bryll-creamed hair and eyes shining like pale blue marbles, was our youngish CO, beaming kindly at me.
He apologised profusely for coming unannounced and getting me out of bed, to which I assured him that it was quite ok as it is late and normally we would be up, but we haven't been well. I kept the door shut though, and only spoke to him through the security screen.
He began what he came to do: encourage me. He told me how much he missed my bubbly personality and intelligent comments at the meetings during his visit, and told me of he and his wife's genuine concern for me, and asked me how I am. He said he understood I'd been under a bit of stress and hoped I was feeling better. I assured him that I've been much better, and somehow I got onto how his friend really hurt my feelings.
"Friend? Which friend? What did he do?" then mentioned the infamous shepherding call, how Snake and his offsider (whom I shall refer to as Mealy) came to me in love to encourage me.
I proceeded to tell him how my father was an ex-police interrogator, and I grew up being interrogated all the time by him. So I knew the difference between shepherding and interrogation. "I'm not studid, CO," I told him calmly.
"I'm really sorry that's how you perceived it. But Julia, I've heard conflicting reports on how you felt about that shepherding call," says the CO in earnest.
Really? I thought. "From whom?" I asked calmly, "I've not told anyone in our congregation except two elders."
"Julia, I heard that you wrote on Facebook how lovingly the brothers treated you."
Ah yes, I knew now that people were still reporting my Facebook to the brothers, or at least the brothers have been asking around. I explained to the CO that one of the reasons Snake and Mealy came to me- and I foregrounded the fact that it was on the pretense of talking to my husband about something unrelated, and that it was only chance that I happened to be there to support my husband as I'd been, up to their arrival, selling birds from the back yard- that people had ignored the counsel at Matt 18 to speak to me about my FB posts and gone to the elders first, and when they approached me I took down the 'offending' posts and issued a public apology to any I'd offended. I made the 'loving' comment to basically get the dobbers (Australian for tattle-tales) off my back.
"Julia, I know Snake inside out. We've been friends for so long, and he's had a hell of a hard life. I know him so well, I know you've got him all wrong, and he'd be mortified if he knew how much he hurt you."
Snake knows - I thought to myself; Sparky told me everything. I see the CO playing an old political hand - pretend to know nothing about it, hoping the other one will supply the information and thus incriminate herself. Julia may be Christian and not employ it much, but she knows Macchiavellianism. She cut her teeth in Joe Stalin's workplaces. So I told the CO that the whole thing is in the past now, and I don't want to revisit it or think about it. I mentioned that I felt it was harsh for them to come at me like that, once again foregrounding the sneakiness and throwing in the fact that I've suffered for years from PTSD.
"Oh that's right, I remember you telling me about your PTSD. How is that?" He seemed genuinely concerned, and believe it or not, I was convinced. So I told him the truth, that it has been getting a lot better lately, and leaving my last job has really helped with my anxiety levels. He seemed happy for me.
He offered me personal help: "And I've come to you today because we really love you. I haven't come because it's procedure, but because I really care about you and Hubby. Is there anything I or the congregation could do to help you? To do anything for you?" See, I'd told him I'd not been to the meetings for 'personal reasons' I did not wish to discuss with anyone. Nor did I feel anyone had the right to interrogate me in my own house about my personal beliefs, and so in answer to his question, I politely said I'd really like to be left alone and have no more elders calling me or dropping by. I mentioned nothing about the factionalism of the BoE, or Sparky, because I like Sparky and will not rat him out. Or anyone for that matter: it's a matter of principle for me. CO may have wanted me to rat out Sparky but years of being a JW in a non-JW family taught me how to slide around certain things without giving any real information.
If I'm a monster, then they created me.
My husband had made himself decent by this time and had joined me at the door. The CO, to his credit I must say, his tone throughout the whole visit was once of solicitude and friendliness, turned to my husband, who confessed to missing a lot of meetings because of work. We made some small talk about our respective work, answering his friendly questions. This Co really does like people I believe, so there was no evil tendency...until after we'd spoken about work, and the conversation started to wind down.
My bleary eyes and bleary mind were running slow. Then the CO asked me saying, "Julia, we can work this out. I'm willing to meet with you, Snake and Mealy, where you can tell Snake how hurt you were, and you can all make up. Believe me, Snake would be mortified to think he'd caused you any hurt. He really is the sweetest brother. I've known him for years."
ALARM BELLS went off in my bleary mind: THREE ELDERS! THREE ELDERS! THREE ELDERS! NO way, no way, NO WAY!
"CO, thanks for the offer, but I really want to put this behind me. I don't need to meet with you and them. I don't want to relive it again, or go over those issues again. It's in the past now, and I don't want to stare at the rearview mirror rather than look through the windscreen."
"We wouldn't go through those issues again, that is a separate matter!" He smiles so reassuringly. "It would just be for you to tell Snake and Mealy how you feel, and they can apologise. We want to help you, Julia."
"Thanks, CO, but I don't want to. I'm really ok about it now. I've put this behind me, and don't want to worry about it anymore." I was feeling quite distressed by this point, but I calmly and measuredly spoke the whole way though, and did not let any agitation show. I thought carefully before speaking, and although appearing dishevelled, I believe I came across as nothing like a bitter, ranting apostate.
"Well ok, but the offer is there."
And then things went silent and awkward, as he was clearly expecting me to be more open about my reasons. Perhaps he was expecting me to begin an apostate rant, or suggest some other offer. We stared awkwardly at each other a couple of seconds.
"Awkward huh?" he said with a humorous grin.
"Oh yes, keep in mind I've got flu, just got out of bed, and haven't had my coffee!"
And some small talk ensued, followed by CO's gracious invitation to see his talk that afternoon if I felt well enough, and if I didn't, then in two weeks' time with the neighbouring congregation. He duly gave the time, and said he and his wife would love to see me, and really missed me this time around. My composure was calm, but still waters ran deep. I thanked him for thinking of me.
Goodbyes were said, and off he went.
I ran to the bedroom and looped out a little, heart pounding, body shaking. My husband ran in after me to comfort me, God love him! and keep the box cutters away from me.
But you know what? This CO is the type who goes out of his way to talk to everyone in the congregation, not just the pioneers, elders, ministerial servants and their respective wives like so many other COs. I believe there is a good measure of decency in him, but am under no illusion that it will prevail enough to leave me alone. And if he truly respects me and has his cronies back away, then that's great too. But I know from Sparky that Snake wanted me in a JC, and the CO is self-confessed Snake's man. Time will tell.
I feel I've avoided a sneak-attack JC though, so this is not over.