Can you help me encourage Reopened mind.

TotallyADD

As most of you know we got a very angry letter from our oldest son. It hurt her very much. I feel so bad for her because he attacked her for what I feel was very unfair. She was one on the most devoted and loving mothers I ever seen. If I would have had a mother like her my life would have been whole lot better. I can understand his anger towards me but not his mother. Anyway I can see she is depressed over this and she could really use some encouragement from all of you. She is at work now and will not be home until 10 PM tonight EST. She may or may not read this tonight but I know for a fact she will read it tomorrow morning. Thank you for all your help she is such a wonderful and giving person it is ashamed to see her like this. I love you Reopened mind. Totally ADD

Oubliette

Well if my JW spouse was like you, I'd still be with her!

It's not surprising she is depressed. Nothing can hurt as much as being shunned by your own children. I haven't been shunned by my parents, so I don't know what that's like, but I suspect it's worse to be shunned and rejected by your own child, particularly if you tried your best to be a good parent.

Keep showing her lots and lots of love.

Oubliette

jgnat

Reopened mind, know that your love is buried deep inside your son somewhere. My hope is that he will reciprocate one day and healing will begin.

LisaRose

Reopened mind, I feel so bad for what you are going through. I know that you did the best job you could in raising your son. I know what it is like to regret raising children in this religion, and yes, if you had it to do over again, you mould do it differently, but it doesn't change the fact that you made the best decision you could, given what you knew then. You wanted what was best for him, and just because you made some mistakes does not negate the hard work, love and care you put onto raising your son. If he can't see that he had some growing up to do. Perhaps as time goes on, and he raises his own children, he will understand this. There is not much more you can do for him now. Sometimes peace comes with acceptance, and knowing you have done all you can to mend fences. I struggle sometimes with my own grown children, we have had bumps in our relationship, and we are not as close as I would like, but at the end of the day, they are adults and have to make their own way in life. All I can do is be the best I can, right now, from this day forward. If I get caught up in regrets, it does nothing for me or them. I find writing every day in a journal and meditation is very helpful to deal with these emotions. The dubs frowned on meditation, but is really, really helpful. It is easy, but takes time and practice to do well. There are a million ways to do it, I usually just imagine a peacefully setting, like the beach. I close my eyes and then I breath in through my nose and out through the mouth. Try not to think of anything, other than the beach. If thoughts intrude, let them go. Think about the waves, the sun, the sea gulls, anything that you can. It will be hard at first,just reprinting your mind back to focus on the breathing and your scene. As time goes on you will get better and better, and it will be more effective. Start with 5 minutes, and work up.

whathappened

Reopened mind:

I am the mother of a raised in JW. My daughter shunned me also for a while. I am not df'd or da'd, I just was totally honest with her about my knowing ttatt. I was over zealous in trying to get her and my son in law out and they have since stated that as long as I do not badmouth the Watchtower Society, they will see me. I am not allowed to stay the night under their roof, I must go before bedtime and stay at a hotel.

When she first shunned me, I wrote her long heartfelt letters, begging her to reconsider and told her how miserable I was. I was humble and threw myself at her mercy. She had to negociate with her husband these new rules about me not being able to spend the night and that my freedom of speech is not allowed in front of them. I can see them now. I still am afraid that they will change their minds. The Watchtower Society is not letting up on their hatred of anything that exposes their lies. They will one day, I'm afraid, convince them that their lives and the life of their son will depend on shunning me, so I know it could be just a matter of time.

Find a happy life for yourself with your hubby and never give up trying to communicate to your child how much you love them and that even though you weren't the "perfect" parent, that no one has "perfect" parents.

As a mother, you are damned if you do and damned if you dont. You are either to strict or too indulgent. You can never win.

rip van winkle

Reopened mind, please remember if your son has anger towards you it is not for a lack of love. It is the way in which he feels hurt and expresses his hurt. If he didn't love you intensely, it wouldn't have any teeth in it whatsoever.

Hopefully, with time, patience and reassurrance from you and Totally ADD,your son's anger will dissipate. Understand that it may take a long time.

He needs his feelings validated even if his perception is different from yours; it is about his reality and his feelings.

But, please don't allow yourself to be overwhelmed with guilt or regrets. There isn't a perfect parent anywhere on the planet. Believe me, this happens to parents who were never in a cult .

Maya Angelou said : when you know better you do better.

No one is perfect. I don't know if your son has children, but if he does, he will one day understand that whatever you did was out of love and a pure heart. You wanted the best for your child.

Hang in there.

Hortensia

I'm hoping that now your son has vented he will cool off and start to feel better. You can only say you're sorry and that you did your best. I'm hoping that he will learn that his happiness depends on what he does now, not on what he thinks was done to him as a child.

MrFreeze

I don't really have many words of encouragement for you. Having met both of you, I know you are both great people. Hopefully it was just a case of your son needing to let off steam. Hopefully he'll come around.

AnneB

From one mom to another: Kids do this, even the ones raised with the best of parents.

It's NOT YOUR FAULT. Good parents are up against a bad environment; people and enterprises who have their own motives for undermining parental responsibilities and authority. Emotion aside, what are the odds that the child will stick with the parent through thick and thin? The very best children (and mine were the very best, good hearts, good motives) can be turned aside just because there are more of "them" than "us"; our voices get drowned out in the cacaphony. Sometimes it happens while they are very young, other times after they are grown, but it happens...it doesn't mean you've failed.

Do not lose heart. This is temporary. Your son will be thinking, observing, and remembering, even though you won't see any signs. The worst thing you can do right now is to cower down, to buy into the notion that you did something wrong. Sure you made mistakes, every parent does! Whatever those mistakes may have been, it doesn't matter and you don't owe anyone, even your child, an apology. Everything you did was done out of love and in the best interests of the child *as you understood things at the time*. We learn as we live, and maybe you would have done some things differently if they had come up at a different stage of your life, but that doesn't make you "wrong". You handled life as you understood it at the time, and there's nothing reprehensible in that.

You will grieve, probably for a long time (as in years). This isn't a situation that will resolve quickly. Take it from one who knows...and believe me when I tell you there's no way you'll come out the loser on this. The parent-child bond is one of the strongest things there is. No matter what outside force tries to break it, it will remain intact. Grieve, because you are going through a period of deprivation, because your concern for your child seems like it can't penetrate the "wall", but at the same time, remember....he's YOUR son. You're his mom. That bond is still there, underneath, while your child is "unconscious" (not-conscious) of its strength. He'll say and do things that you never could have anticipated, but that's because he is caught in a malestrom only partly of his own making. Ride it out, never give up on him. He's thrashing around like he's delirious (he is), but he will come out of it. You wouldn't take offense, or try to reason with, or punish, someone for what they do when they're delirious, would you? Take that same attitude toward whatever he does now; bear the anguish, and fight to remember that it's not "him" that's doing these things, that something external to his own thoughts and heart is affecting him.

Little by little you will get your son back. Hold on. Give it all the energy you would have given if something had happened to him as a child. Put on a brave face for the world (defend him when people denigrate him) then cry your heart out in the privacy of your home. Whether you can "see" it or not, there are people who know you didn't do anything wrong. There are also people who have been through this very thing, had their own seasons of despair, who are now seeing things turn toward the good. Once that happens you won't remember how bad it was, you'll only feel gratitude and relief for having your son back.

It's going to be rough for a long time but he WILL return to you. Let that reality hold you steady through this time of turmoil.

From one mom to another with love and tears,

AB

PaintedToeNail

Reopened & TotallyADD-I'm sorry you are both going through this emotionally difficult time.

Can you help me encourage Reopened mind.

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