Can you help me encourage Reopened mind.

by TotallyADD 42 Replies latest jw friends

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  Reopened Mind

  whathappened: Unfortunately the WT makes it so that honesty is not always the best policy. We had been tip-toeing around our son's wife until he asked us if he could tell her we left the organization. We said OK and he did. This is when the firestorm let loose. We are not Df'd or Da'd either. We wrote back that we will always love them unconditionally. I am sorry that your daughter shunned you for a while but am happy that for your reconciliation even if it may be tenuous.

  rip van winkle: We have time and we have patience and we have hope that things will settle down. I like Maya Angelou.

  Hortensia: I agree. He needs to take responsibility as an adult.

  MrFreeze: Thank you for your vote of confidence.

  AnneB: Thank you for your love and tears. Yes, we did the best we could as I believe every parent does. Our son did not become so vituperous until he told his wife we left the organization.

  PaintedToeNail: TotallyADD and I will make it through. Your support helps.

  Will reply to more tomorrow. Have to go to work.

  Reopened Mind
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  Separation of Powers

  Regardless of whether we were raised in the org or not, being part of a family is a dynamic replete with problems, some real, some perceived. I concur with Blondie in that we can only be the best that "we" can be. Where we have made changes and come to the realization that we were not the best parent, son or daughter, husband or wife, or even friend that we could have been, we need to own up to that and make the committment to strive to be better. That, unfortunately, is all you can do. Water under the bridge has either evaporated or is dammed up somewhere, either way, it has been moved along by time. Some of us can put aside the wrongs, others bathe themselves in them. Some find their present course toxic and make changes, others seem to only function in that caustic environment.

  Be the best you that you can be. When we take ownership of the mistakes that we have made as parents, sons or daughters, husbands or wives, or even friends, we can move on and attempt to make things better. We cannot, however, control the reactions of those against whom the mistakes were made. We leave that ball in their court, but in doing so, they know that we are ready to lovingly volley in the future.

  Kind regards,

  SOP
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  Reopened Mind

  clarity: Family can hurt us the most because they are closest to us. We want a relationship with our family. Hugs to you dear clarity. I feel your pain. I know in my head it's not my son speaking, but my emotions like to tell me otherwise. Peace & strength back to you.

  crmsicl: Our dil is definitely a "power dynamic" in this situation. My dil and I are very different personalities. He expressed love for his wife but I hope that does not mean he has to hate his mother. Telling his wife we were no longer JW's put him between a rock and a hard place. (He had asked our permission previously to tell her.) Time will tell.

  Quandry: Our son was raised in the org. While he is no longer a Witness he lives with his wife and her father who are very much in mentally. I'm afraid this mentality has gotten its hooks back in him. Your being close to your daughter again gives me hope.

  Mum: My son's children are preteens so I know he cannot possibly understand the dynamics of parent/adult child relationship. Dr. Dyer's book sounds like something that would help me now. I will look into it. Thank you for the suggestion.

  Nathan Natas: Your parents sound like my husband's parents. He feels the only thing that kept them together was the JW religion. But O the consequences for the kids. He knows they did the best they could, improving tremendously over their parents. 100% responsibility is always laid in the lap of the parents---until the children are old enough to understand.

  ruderedhead: I will try to give my son & his wife the time and space to work through their issues.

  Aunt Fancy: I'm hanging, I'm hanging. My parents cried too when I became a Witness back when I was a teenager. Boy do I understand a lot more now!

  wasblind: Thank you for the heart and the hug.

  FlyingHighNow: My son faded before we did but lives with a wife who is mentally in (not attending) and a fil who goes to meetings. We know he is in a difficult situation. Thank you for your support and encouragement.
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  whathappened

  Do let us know about any future contact. People grange and grow. Your son may wake up one morning and feel compelled to reunite with you nd his father.
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  Reopened Mind

  Coffee House Girl: Thank you for your support. We hope everything is going well for you and Coffee House Guy.

  ABibleStudent: Many times I have recommended Steve Hassan's books to others on JWN. They have helped us to understand the cult personality. Even though my son is no longer in the cult he seems to be hanging on to some of the cult personality. I have to remember that like his father he has no frame of reference to a nonJW life.

  Nathan Natas: Thanks for posting the link. You are correct, TotallyADD and I are an XJW married couple. While our son faded before we did he seems to be waffling back. We strongly suspect his wife was behind what was said in the letter and so to appease her he decided to cut us off. We are scratching our heads over this as well.

  LostGeneration: Unconditional love; so many have mentioned it in this thread. That's really what it is all about. Even if he doesn't know it we are here for him and his wife as well. Love truly does conquer all.

  sarahsmile: My son is 36 years old. He was never an elder or a ministerial servant. We do indeed live in different towns. He lives in a southern state and we live in Pennsylvania. We agree that he's venting at us to appease the wife. I, too, like Dr. Phil. One point I remember from a show is that once a person becomes an adult he must take responsibility for his actions. (How unlike the WT) I would very much like to talk to him face-to-face after he has time to cool off.

  Heaven: Thank you for the hugs. I would like to hug my son and his wife.

  rubadubdub (Diane): Life is too short to spent 12 years estranged from your own children. The Four Agreements is very good advice. While in the cult we made assumptions constantly. It's what kept the gossip mill going. It's hard to break the habit.

  Ding: Thanks for the rose.

  Separation of Powers: Every family has problems. The WT magnfies some and ignores others. We do what we can do and move on. The only person I can control is me.

  To All Who Have Encouraged Me: Thank you all for taking the time to post. I will try to apply your invaluable advice.

  Reopened Mind
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  Brother of the Hawk

  Hang in there you two. If what you feel about your sons wife being behind this, it may just back fire on him and he will find himself needing his family. You need to be there for him at that time, what a great opportunity to demonstate LOVE. Blood is thicker than water!!

  Love and peace.

  Afectionately: Brother of the Hawk ( I will surrender my mind no more, forver)
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  cofty

  We agree that he's venting at us to appease the wife.

  It sounds as if this is the problem. I hope he finds the strength to be more honest with everybody including himself.

  Sometimes people on the fringe of the borg can be the most defensive - its a strange thing.

  I wish you all the best in healing relationships.
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  Reopened Mind

  Brother of the Hawk: Our son's wife is emotionally unstable. We suspect "the man behind the curtain" is a Witness therapist she has been in contact with for at least the last 7 years. Besides being my dil's therapist she is a pioneer whom our son revealed was studying with her. A real sticky situation. We are here for our son and always will be.

  cofty: Yes, indeed, it is strange how defensive he has become since he was the one who faded before TotallyADD and I did. But we came out together. He continues to deal with his still-in wife and fil. It is our hope that our son will be able to see that we honestly want the best for him and his family.

  Reopened Mind
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  flipper

  REOPENED MIND & TOTALLY ADD- JUst know and realize that we love you here on this board and our hearts bleed for you as well with what you ae experiencing with your son. Here's a hug and flowers for both of ya . I believe Robert, or Bible Student nailed it in how your son has been affected by the Jehovah's Witness cult. He has two personalities still, the cult personality and opccasionally his authentic, human born personality.

  And as you mentioned Reopened Mind - his JW cult personality is being ENABLED by his emotionally dysfunctional wife wo is beating him over the head with JW guilt apparently. Also the JW therapist behind the cenes is promoting these insidious thoughts into your daughter in laws mind who puts them into your son's mind. Then because he's married to her and has to live with her- he chooses to please her in order to suvive living with her. A nasty little web to be sure. But you guys ghave a good attitude to just be there for your son when the dark clouds of bewilderment uncloud from his mind.

  I have a similar situation with my JW daughters aged 26 & 24- they have not associated with me in almost 10 years now. Won't even return my phone calls or return replies to my anniversary cards or money we send them for their marriages to their husbands. The only thing that gets me through this is to look at them as mentally ill. I know they are cult mind controlled and IF they had possession of their own minds - instead of the WT Society controlling their minds - they'd treat me like a normal father with love. But the " man behind the scenes " in my scenario is their bat-$hit crazy JW mother, my ex-wife who keeps the fires of hatred burning in my daughters hearts against me for leaving the JW organization in 2003 as an inactive person. I'm not DFed, but my daughters still treat me as such all these years. I just keep hope alive that in time they'll change due to some JW injustice that occurs in their lives to wake them up. Till then, I keep a candle burning in my heart for them. It appears you two may need to do something similar in your situation.

  Please know and understand that we are with you, many of us are going through what you are experiencing. You have my wife and my phone number. Please never hesitate to call if you'd like to chat, O.K. ? We are your friends
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  TotallyADD

  Hi Flipper. Reopened Mind is at work now. I can't wait until she reads your comment. It was so encouraging. Even though it is also hard on you with your daughters it is always helpfull to know there are others who understand completely what we are going through. Ever since we told our new friends at the UU congregation serveral weeks ago many have a hard time understanding why anyone would do the things JW do. They just don't get mind control. They can't believe you are not allowed to think outside the box. In time we hope some with begin to understand. Just want to thank everyone for the encouragement you have given my wife. It has really helped her alot. Thanks so much. Totally ADD