by TotallyADD 42 Replies latest jw friends
Reopened ..... I am getting beaten down as you & hubby are.
Nothing worse than having it come from family, I am a
nervous wreck, at the moment.
A very dear friend said to me that....it is not them speaking.
What is speaking .....is the p r o g r a m, not the real person.
I wish us all peace & strength. Hang in there.
clarity
Reopened Mind and Totally: This will pass and it will get better. I think your son is greiving too and he needs you to not break down. He needs you to take the punches. It hurts, I've been there and still am to an extent. It is getting better for me but I had to let him vent. Showing anger doesn't really come easily for him. As I have observed mother/son relationships I perceive that it works out best for the mother to step back. Usually as the dil enters the picture a power dynamic starts to occur. When a male son starts a family, no matter how wonderful the new wife might be and no matter how kind the mother of the son is, it still happens. I saw it with my mother and her mil who were not JW. It happened to me twice (my son is remarried) and I wasn't surprised. I was hoping it wouldn't but it did. Of course our leaving the bOrg caused it to escalate.
I think the best strategy is to get on with and enjoy your life. You know you did a good job. He knows you did a good job. Give him the space he needs to heal. Let him see that and let him see that you are okay taking his punches. This is not a time to cower, for long anyway. Accept that your relationship is going through some changes, this is probably the worst it is going to get.
From what I've read about you and your husband, you're doing all you can. You're doing everything right. That's all you can do. Your son and dil don't realize what a gift you are giving them. Stand tall and let them see you succeed. Keep showing them love at any opportunity, they need it but don't let their lack of appreciation get you down.
I wish you the very best and I know it's going to get better.
K
So very sorry to hear about all the troubles.
I also am a mother, and my daughter has issues after being raised in a strict JW environment, and then leaving with her dad and I. We were afraid for awhile because it did affect our relationship, but as time passed by we were able to get past the damage and we are somewhat close. Please give it time. It is a struggle for everyone to "find themselves" after spending a lot of time as a JW.
When it's your own child, it's so heartbreaking. Children, even as adults, do not understand what parents go through for them.
Just before I left the JW's for good, I read Dr. Wayne Dyer's book, Your Erroneous Zones. It's about dealing with negative emotions and putting things into perspective. He talks about how people feel when their mother does not love them. He makes the point that it is no reflection on you, and it's better to forgive and accept what is. No, it is not easy.
What is called for now is patience. Just be there for your son. He does understand that you are there if he ever needs you, right? That's really all you have the power to do.
Go out there and make a great life for yourself, and one day, out of the blue, he is likely to show up because no one else can take the place of Mom.
Everyone - JW or not - is required by nature to make decisions on the basis of incomplete information, and we are 100% responsible for the decisions we make.
It doesn't seem fair. But since the rule applies to everybody, maybe it is.
Or maybe the guilt is meaningless. Maybe the idea of being 100% responsible for anything - good or bad - is an illusion.
I have a LOT of anger about the circumstances of my life. My parents were a couple of idiots who stumbled from one bad impulsive act to another.
When I really try to put myself in their places it seems almost like their bad choices were unavoidable, and I am only left with pity for both of them.
reopened mind, I'm so sorry you are going through this! We all do the very best that we can, no parent is perfect. I don't even want to think about the do-overs I wish I could have! Sometimes we become our childrens punching bags as they work through their issues as adults. Hopefully he will see you for the wonderful person you are soon. Love to you.
Reopened Mind, I know it is very difficult going through this. Hang in there because it will get better. I went through a very similar thing with my son and daughter in law only mine was reverse. It was because we were JW's that they turned on us. I remember crying on and off for a few years over it but I never gave up and believe it or not things got so much better. Continue to take the high road and continue to let your son know how much you love him. Things have a way of working out and I believe that a Mothers love is very powerful. My heart is sad for you because I do know what it feels like to be rejected by a child. Someday he will come to his senses and see what he has done to you. Be there for him when he wakes up because he will need your love and support.
TotallyADD , Reopened Mind & Clarity
Is your son a JW? I didn't see your other thread.
Continue to show unconditional love, like you are. It may work for you the way it has for me. My children have returned to me. My grandson, too. You are his only mother. No one else can ever take your place. Your son will remember all the loving things you have done. Your son will miss you and need you, eventually, in a way no one else can be needed but a mother. Your son has hit a rough spot. I'm sure love will bring him back.
