Since you've left, are you still good friends with your bestest JW buddies? (page 3)

Vidiot

Haven't seen or heard from 'em in years...

...but then, I kinda lost touch with some before I even faded...

Julia, to elaborate, when I first started actively fading I was screaming it from the hilltops: It’s a cult!! And most people shut down. Then I started thinking: What if I approached the situation from a different angle? What if I started behaving like JWs are just like any other religious group and that it’s quite okay and normal for ME to have a change in beliefs? What if I just lived my life, acted like it’s no big deal about leaving? What if I could show by my actions that I am quite normal, happier, and that leaving it behind is akin to leaving another group?

When I have spoken to those still in they are a bit flabbergasted at how blasé I am about no longer being a part of it. It just did not work for me, that’s all. People call and ask how I am doing and I can honestly say: I am doing really great!!! They can TELL I am happier and that kinda throws them a bit. I am still the same Sophie, just better. When they bring up anything doctrinal, I just listen. I would do the same if it was someone of another faith. If they ask me why I am no longer going I just tell them my belief system has changed and that it’s NORMAL to not believe in something you once did. For me, leaving was a MENTAL/EMOTIONAL HEALTH issue. So that’s what I focus on when they ask me. I have told friends that I am not worried about Big A, living in paradise, completely unafraid of the future, guilt free and that I am focusing on creating my life daily. I don’t dog them for where they are and they seem to respect that I CAN do what I choose. Even though I have an ulterior motive…which is to keep my loved ones close…in a weird way I am putting the onus on THEM to continue the friendship. In essence they walk away with: “She seems normal, she looks awesome, she is very happy, we had a great time, I was left feeling good, I want to see her again, I miss her…so…ok… she does not believe this anymore, why should I end the friendship?”

Maybe that’s why some of my friends still communicate with me. It’s their choice to stay where they are, to believe what they want to and I don’t try to usurp that. I made a decision that I did want to keep some of my friends and my family, so I try not to threaten their fragile spiritual state. Actions speak louder than words. This has been kind of an experiment for me. I wanted to see if I could actually do it. Time will tell.

But I am prepared for: “I can’t talk to you if….”, to which I will reply: “Okay” whilst grinning from ear to ear. BTW my mother tried that on me…did not work…she still talks to me! J

DesirousOfChange

.

There were 2 or 3 friends who visited a couple times to "encourage" us. One who was very close to my wife, left with tears in her eyes. She really believes it all. Have not heard from her since. One other couple have kept up communication and invited us out with them, etc. He was my closest JW friend in a former Cong. and we always kept in touch. I think they are convinced we have just been "stumbled" and are also in the "encouragement" mode. Which is OK. I realize they feel that is their duty (Gal 6:1). What will transpire if we are not re-activated is still unknown. We'd love to keep it all intact, but think at best the changes will strain the relationship.

Other inactive JW friends (even ex-JW friends) are who we see the most now. Sadly, they have adopted some "bad" habits that we do not want to be involved in, ie, smoking, heavy drinking (and I mean beer for breakfast), sleazy nightclubs and sleazy friends (friends in low places). Don't care what they do, that scene is just is not for us. Thus, we limit those relationships.

How do you make new friends?

That's a tough one.

We have a small business and don't want to be "friends" with the employees. (Bad idea.) Thus, there are no opporunities to mingle with co-workers. Most of the close family are also JWs. Some are enlightened and nothing will change. Some are die-hard JDubs and things will become more distant. Worldly family members are not close because of the years of JWism causing a divide. To explain it all to them might cause it to leak back to others, but we make it a point to not miss a wedding, graduation, baby shower, etc. in an effort to re-build all of that. Having been JWs for decades, we have not developed serious hobbies or other outside interests. Most of our new friends have been developed while at business conferences or even on weekend excursions. Most of these do not live near-by, but we look forward to socializing at the next meet-up.

As I observe others who have "life-long" friends, it seems that many of these were developed in their college days. Roommates, team members in sporting events, study partners, or even friends from military service etc. We didn't have those opporunities. Those of you who are embarking on higher education pursuits keep that in mind.

Doc

tenyearsafter

Not a one...in fact, I have never been contacted by the Elders or any "friends" in the over 20 years since I was DF'ed. My JW mother and brother are the only ones with any contact...and that is limited.

mrsjones5

No, the only jw ties I have are family.

Mum

I live far away from where I was a JW. I like it. I have 3 Facebook friends who were members of the last congregation I was associated with. They got out, too. I've lost track of many of them. What the others say is right: relinquish all hope of remaining friends with active JW's. They don't get to choose their friends.

ThisFellowCheap

So, maybe I am the positive (or, say mildly positive) experience yet!

Still my "ex's" sweetheart (officially ex*winks*). Lost almost all friends in school congos but very little friends in the home congos shun me, sister shuns me but her hubby somewhat doesn't and calls when I post my "nasty" JW articles on Facebook to reduce the tone or go incognito to reduce stress on family members by calls from concerned relatives. Mom's side shunning, dad's side accomodating, irony is dad is shunning mom is still motherly, and even more compassionate these days. All the elderly ones in my congs both home and school hardly shun me, my been a sweet, loving, and always around-to-help status still working it's magic (altho' most of them are already immuned to any JC being senior citizens), and yeah some of the JW girls are now really trying to get my attention, can see the crazy hero reflection of me sometimes in the glitter of their eyes as they quickly whisper their "we miss you"'s and drop a hint if I could visit or they, albeit discreetly (now, can you beat that!). Sadly tho, most of my best friends are long gone, some weeping like the tropic rains, other just disappearing like the harmattan haze at midday.

And the sheer volume of calls I get from JWs lovebombing me these days sometimes makes me wish they were just shunning me instead. Classmates call my phone "argument hotline"!

d

I have on friend but he left when I left. The rest of the Jw's want nothing to do with me.

FirstLastName

To be honest, most of the "friends" in JW were pretty shallow and I don't miss them. So leaving the org was not the horrific deal I was told it would be. I have made many new great friends, so I did not feel like I lost in the situation.

I do have one friend, that I knew in the org, that I still talk to. She lives rather far away, but when she comes to town we always like to meet up and go to dinner. I think I am her secret "worldy" friend, which I am happy to be to give her some respite.

:)

return of parakeet

Julia: " I want to know if it's possible your 'spiritual' JW friends will ever accept your choice to leave. Or will just treat you the same as always without trying to 'save' you. "

It's possible but I don't know how likely.

When I left the dubs, I had the extreme good fortune that my best friend decided to follow my lead and left too. We've been besties for 45 years. She had attended a different KH, and when she left, she somehow stayed friends with a dub there and still does.

I'll talk to her and see if she has any insights on how she remained friends with a dub there all these years.

So sorry you're hurting so much, Julia.

Since you've left, are you still good friends with your bestest JW buddies?