payback? bitterly upset....

by losingit 48 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  losingit

  I don't even know where to start.

  More than anything, I'd like to say that I am not a woman of vengeance. I am very much a forgiving person. If you say "I'm sorry," and you're genuine, I can move on from it quickly and easily. I literally forget about it. It is buried. Even if you don't say "I'm sorry," I find a way to excuse the intolerable behavior in order to forgive you. The offense is then buried, forgotten, and I move on with my life.

  However, this time, I feel like I just cannot forgive. I am speaking about the elders I have dealt with over the course of my time as a Witness. I honestly do not know how I can forgive them given all that I have learned about TTAT in the past month and a half, and all that I have been put through since I came into this organization. For years, I buried my doubts, my questions, my concerns, my worries for the sake of my husband (who is a born-in, we are now getting divorced) and then for the sake of my family. I think about the fact that I was "marked" and that a record followed me from congregation to congregation-- I had no clue about that! In my mind, if Jehovah can make our scarlet sins as white as snow, then there should be no record of my mistakes. After learning about "marking" and about how elders write up a letter when you move congregations, everything seemed to make sense.... The elder who accused me of being the reason why my husband was spiritually weak in our first shepherding call, without even knowing me or the circumstances of my marriage.... Yeah, now I know where that came from... The elder who, when I approached him about marital problems in our new congregation, asked ME if I had done anything wrong... Yeah, now I know where that came from...

  I openly confessed my sins to the elders because I thought this organization had the TRUTH. I confessed before men that are engineers and bankers. Wealthy men, men with a secular education-- critical thinkers, men with large homes and their own businesses. There is no way in this world that they do not know TTAT. I have read too many accounts here on this website, on jwfacts, and observed too much on my own to know that these men are NOT innocent, that they are NOT blind. And yet, there I sat before them to be judged by them. I submitted myself to their authority because I was told that God required that of me. I am bitter. I am angry.

  And here's my childish idea of payback: I know where some of these men live. I know their email addresses. I want to torture them with regular letters with snippets of the society's outlandish and cruel lies. Perhaps address it to their daughters, to their sons, to their wives first. Expose the truth. Let them know that they cannot get away with turning people's lives upside down, but just through these regularly mailed snippets.

  I am struggling to put my life back together... An entire belief system DEAD, my entire family GONE, all of my friends DISAPPEARED. I have to figure out if I will continue to teach to my children the outrageous lies the WTS spouts for the sake of their father, lies I believed and I taught for 9 years to my oldest. I feel guilty, I feel sad. I am overwhelmed. I don't know where to start. I don't know where I can find relief. I don't even feel right calling God Jehovah because, damn it! That's not even his name! That just breaks my heart. I remember learning God's name...

  I want to blame someone. And right now, I want to blame the elders. I want payback for not helping my marriage through an enormously rocky period, for making the situation worse by not recommending marital counseling when I kept on insisting on it. I begged my husband to go with me. The elders made no comment. He doesn't listen to me. He never has. Never will. But the elders he would have listened to. Yes, I still wanted my husband despite the abuse. And the elders, well... they are clearly a bunch of incompetent men who are put in positions of authority with no real knowledge of how to counsel people, essentially hungry for power. I didn't need all the commentary on this website to notice this. I knew it all along. It's just all confirmation of the garbage I tolerated because I wanted my husband and loved my husband.

  As I write this, my children are singing "Preach the Word." May God forgive me.........................
• 

  Oubliette

  losingit, what a powerful story.

  You have every right to be bitterly angry. You've been betrayed by people you trusted. You been lied to and deceived.

  That being said, I would discourage you from doing anything rash, especially when you are so angry.

  At this point, maybe you can save your kids now that you know TTATT.

  I would also suggest you get Steven Hassan's book, Releasing the Bonds, and read it. It will help you to understand what's happened to you as a result of being in a destructive high-control cult and give you great ideas for healing.

  Hang in there, it's a roller-coaster, but it does get better.
• 

  Pistoff

  Go to counseling on your own, for yourself.

  It is worth it.

  Glad you are here, take a deep breath, keep venting here only, don't say or do anything around active witnesses about what you now know, including your husband for now.

  They won't listen, and they don't care.

  It usually takes an emotional shock like the one you had to wake up; they aren't there yet.

  You can be free in your mind though, and be sure to never confide in elders again on any matter.
• 

  SophieG

  Hi losingit.
  
  Well, I just want to give you a big, tight {{{{{HUG}}}}}! And let you know that I can relate to what you are experiencing. I understand that anger towards the elders, because I too was an abused wife and they all turned a blind eye to his behavior while at the same condemning me for leaving because I did not “having scriptural grounds to separate”. I have been yelled at in elder’s meeting. I have had them refer to me in comments during the meetings.......So, yes, I have felt that anger.

  Over time though, that anger subsided. It took a while, but that same counseling that my husband did not want to go with me, I started going MYSELF. That’s how that anger passed.

  The one thing I learned was to wait things out. I wanted to get even too, but I learned to channel that rage into something else. So I waited, and watched all those same elders get on my side, and apologize for the things they said/did to me because they know the truth about who I was dealing with. Because of this, I feel as if the elders have just “let me go” to live my life, fade away, without any harassment, based on what I endured.

  If you try to get even, you may just shine a more positive light on your husband. They will be able to say: “See, she is crazy!” Do not give them any reason to drag you through the mud anymore. Dont'give them any reason to add any more crap to a card that will no longer matter!
  Divert that anger, focus on you and your kids and start planning the best life you can outside the Borg. Try that counseling. It can really help.

  The best revenge is to LIVE a great life!
  
  Wishing you the best,
  
  Sophie
• 

  whathappened

  We have all been there, dear sister. We are all working through it. Everyone here is at different stages of recovery. Some are like you, hot mad and others don't give a you know what anymore and have totally moved on. If you do something too far, you will just reinforce their beliefs that those who leave the organisation are mentally diseased.

  I encourage you not to do anything you may regret in the future. No revenge right now. Your best revenge is moving on and finding a happy life for yourself. Also, your children must be protected from this dangerous cult. If they get baptised they will have to shun you and the cycle will not be broken. As a mother you must protect your children from the Watchtower Societies lies. If they become victims of child molesters inside the organisation you may never be able to forgive yourself. Protect your children like a momma bear.

  We love you, we care and we are happy to have you here.
• 

  LostGeneration

  Living well is the best revenge.

  Don't teach your children a lie. Throw their song books away, allow them to decompress by NOT taking them to meetings while in your custody. Then slowly allow them into the real world, starting with their birthdays, participating in school, etc.

  Leave the rest of them alone.

  It will be ok, yes it sucks now, but in the end you have truth, they have lies.
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  jgnat

  I prefer the Jewish concept of forgiveness.

  http://www.thepowerofforgiveness.com/pdf/A_Jewish_Perspective_on_Forgiveness.pdf

  The perpetrator is required to fulfill certain acts, and the victim does not have the power of absolution. The elders and the leaders who trained them would have to perform acts of contrition and restoration for there to be full forgiveness.

  Your story reminded me of a kind act a former pastor peformed on behalf of a single parent. Her ex-husband was an egotistical ass who had cleverly hidden his wealth to avoid child support. The pastor asked this man if his child might attend a summer camp with this man's. So the children would each have a chum, of course. This man, who cared more for the accolades of men than the respect and well-being of his ex-wife and child, readily agreed. Camp done and paid for.

  You are going to grieve over all those wasted years, wasted hopes of course. Your husband is never going to be the man you needed him to be. The elders will continue to be oblivious.

  When you are ready, rebuild your life. That is the best revenge, truly.
• 

  losingit

  "Also, your children must be protected from this dangerous cult. If they get baptised they will have to shun you and the cycle will not be broken. As a mother you must protect your children from the Watchtower Societies lies. If they become victims of child molesters inside the organisation you may never be able to forgive yourself. Protect your children like a momma bear."

  My children are my life, and that is where I am struggling... I want to respect their father, and his beliefs. But I also desperately want to protect them from the lies and the hate that they are being exposed to. I am sad when my children say "... but they're not Jehovah's Witnesses" when I ask them if they would like a play-date with one of their classmates. I tell them, "It does not matter. God loves everyone. Not just Witnesses."

  I have already started to take a step back from going with them to the meetings mid-week since he does not have them. But on Sundays, I go. He is there. They are there. And I have to know what they are hearing, so that I can counter anything they are hearing. This is the ONLY reason why I am going to the District Convention. He wants to take them. And I cannot deny my children their father.

  We have started reading from the Bible directly. I am placing a much greater emphasis on Jesus, and his example of humility. It's funny, I began my reading with the Gospel of Matthew and bumped into Matthew 1:18--

  " During the time his mother Mary was promised in marriage to Joseph, she was found to be pregnant by holy spirit before they were united. 19 However, Joseph her husband, because he was righteous and did not want to make her a public spectacle, intended to divorce her secretly. 2 "

  When I read this with my children, I emphasized how righteousness truly behaves in the face of a perceived wrong-- with love, respect, and kindness. This is NOT the way I have been treated by their father. They have seen the abuse firsthand. I want to protect them like a Momma Bear.
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  losingit

  Don't teach your children a lie. Throw their song books away, allow them to decompress by NOT taking them to meetings while in your custody. Then slowly allow them into the real world, starting with their birthdays, participating in school, etc.

  I don't know yet about birthday celebrations, but I started with "life celebrations" with my youngest. The oldest one accepted it for her younger sibling and has mentioned having one for her/himself as well. I am throwing away all the literature the next time he has them. I just cannot stand having it in my house any longer.
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  jgnat

  You don't have to outwardly oppose the WTS as long as you add new elements to their lives. Teach them how to think. Expose them to new experiences. Respect their opinions even if they differ from yours. You can ask questions, though, to make sure they have really thought through their opinions.

  Teach Your Child How To Think by Bono De (Jun 15 1994)

  P.S. I think anything you do to celebrate the individual will help them. I made up scrapbooks for each of my children (not like the fancy ones today), with cute sayings, photos, ribbons won, drawings and so on. I gave it to them when they were in their pre-teens. My daughter really loved hers and continued to add to it.