Thank you everyone for the words of encouragement, for your understanding, and for the tell-it-like-it-is reality of the situation sarahsmile and lost. I needed to vent, I needed to cry. But most especially, I needed to hear from people that know my situation, even if they don't know the details. I have already read some of the links. I am reading "Crisis of Conscience." Everyday I am learning more about TTATT. The therapist is also on my calendar.
payback? bitterly upset....
by losingit 48 Replies latest jw experiences
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sarahsmile
You are on your way. Your going to be okay.
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Scully
I want to respect their father, and his beliefs.
Why? Do either your children's father or his beliefs respect you? Clearly they don't respect you! And guess what... he and his belief system are going to poison your children's minds against you, and teach them to disrespect you as well.
So you made a "vow"... BIG DEAL. He made one too. The second - the very instant he started disrespecting you - he broke that vow. Because you don't disrespect someone you LOVE; someone you HONOUR; someone you CHERISH. His disrespect and contempt toward you releases you from your "vow". Don't let anyone send you on a guilt trip over the "vow" - you did your best, but did he? Or were you the one making nice when he was being an ass? Or covering his ass, or making excuses for him when he "forgot" stuff or behaved badly? Or putting on your very best Kingdom Smile™ at the Meetings™ when the two of you had an argument in the car on your way there?
The thing about the kind of payback you're proposing is that it only validates all the bullshit the WTS says about Apostates™ and solidifies the average dumbed-down JW's perception that you are the ENEMY. I agree that revenge fantasies can be absolutely delicious, but don't waste your time creating drama for these people - they aren't worth the energy. You need your energy for getting your kids out of that stupid cult, and getting custody away from your loser ex-husband, and starting a wonderful, successful JW-free life of your own. Don't let them get to you, because your future is going to be so much better without them. When you look back at your JW life 20 years from now, you are going to be light-years ahead of them while they will all still be stagnating in the cesspool-of-the-mind that is the JW belief system. Who cares if the Elders™ know it's crap - they're stupid enough to stay in it - do you know why??? Because outside of the JWs they will never amount to anything - and the WTS has them believing that if they Wait On Jehovah™ they'll be PRINCES among men. They are the big fish in the small pond - they'd never survive outside of it. Don't give them a second thought - they are of such little consequence in the big picture of your life - they only have those Privileges™ because they were born with a penis. BIG DEAL, right?
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Aunt Fancy
Losingit, my heart goes out to you and I understand some of what you are going through. Take care of yourself first so that you are strong enough to endure this fight you may have. I can't stress enough what a good therapist can do for you to help you get through this. Continue to read everything you can get your hands on, it will help you see much clearer.
Don't make quick decisions because sometimes we don't think as clearly as we should when things first happen to us. We have all been deceived by the WTBS and have been very angry at what has happened. I felt like you did at first with wanting revenge but it doesn't accomplish a thing. I talk out my anger with my husband, therapist and family members. I too got into the religion because my husband was a born in and thank goodness we came out together last summer. You need to worry about you and your children. If you are sure you will not be getting back with your husband then you need to let it go and not worry about what he believes or what he is going to do. It is hard to give up the control but you will feel much better when you work on yourself.
Since you are both DF I highly doubt the WTBS will help your husband in any way in a custody case. If your husband has not threatened you with taking custody he may not even want custody and would be happy with visitation. I am not sure why you think getting reinstated will help you in the court of law with getting custody unless I misunderstood what you said. In most cases the mother ends up with the children unless there is neglect or drugs involved.
My son is grown and never came into the religion but I know for sure that if he had the choice he would have never stepped in a KH. He is so thankful we are out. If I knew back then what I know now I would have never continued to take him to the KH. If you know it is lies and they treated you with such cruelty I would never subject my child nor myself to their abuse again. I take it your family is not in the religion so you won't lose them and the "friends" in the religion are conditional which I am sure you realize since you have been DF. I don't understand why you want to be reinstated after realizing they lied to you and treated you with such abuse. I know some choose to do it because their parents and other relatives are in.
Hang in there and we are here for you. If you need to vent do it here so you can clear your head. It is a rough road but it does get better. You will start to see things more clearly the more you read. Try to get Steve Hassen's book so you understand the brainwashing and the dangers of this religion. <3
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*lost*
Losing it.
You have made the first step, you will survive this, this will get through this in one piece.
Everyone here will help you. You are among friends, you are part of a community now, full of love hope and happiness.
They way it 'should' be in the congregations. You are on the road to freedom, and 'life', a happy joyous live, where you are in charge.
Sorry if i sounded harsh, i care deeply, I don't want you to walk through this like a blind fool. I'm not bitter, I'm not angry, I pride myself on that.
If I had played the game differently, I would of saved myself and my children the world of pain and suffering.
You got to seperate being a good christian, a good person, that is who you are inside, it will never change, and you should be proud of that. You have to act perfect in your demeanour in public, you have to be without 'spot'. You have to have your 'service face' on all the time in public.
Do your ranting and venting and crying in private or come here, through all this you will really need support, people you can trust, who can't blab your business
and turn around and turn on you.
You have to be 'cautious as serpent but innocent as dove'.
You have suffered enough. If you cannot afford a therapist, read, read, read. Focus on any little thing that gives you joy.
Go to your docotr, if he has any connection with jw's, change to a new one.
Sit down and cry and tell him the truth, taking anti-depressents is normal, they will help you, takes a few weeks for them to 'kick in' so I suggest you get on them now.
Your Doctor will be your ally, tell him about the 'cult' how you were mislead. Paint a really bad picture, tell him you want to save your kids from it.
If, if things get sticky for you down the road with the jw's, your doctor will have records, you will have evidence, and evidence from professionals is what matters.
Always, always be careful of 'the words' you use, don't give anyone the impression your totally unhinged and can't cope, you have to be word specific.
You sound like a wonderful person, and a wonderful mother, your children are very lucky. You put you first, kids second, everyone else is not your's to worry about, even hubby. He has to make his own choices, he has to stand up and be a man, if he doesn't, he never will.
Do not let him drag you down and suck the life out of you.
Empower yourself, be strong, eat well, exercise, read, listen to music, anything to distract your mind, get out and meet people, if you can, put you 'face' on and smile.
Revenge is a pudding best served cold. Surviving and not letting them beat you down, is revenge enough, do not play their game, do not let anyone control you no more, do not let them guilt you.
sent you a pm
much love, chin up.
ps: use you 'health' card, to buy you space and time. x
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JustMe2
LostGeneration: "Throw their song books away...."
losingit: "I am throwing away all the literature the next time he has them."
If you decide to pursue reinstatement, would this be wise? If someone finds out (for example if your children tell their father), it seems likely that the fact you no longer have the Society's literature in your home could be used against you.
Otherwise, it's perfectly understandable that you want to get rid of the literature, but does any of it belong to your children? If it does, would they be very upset if you threw it away, especially without discussing it with them ahead of time? We know how some children react when their parent simply GIVES away a toy they haven't even thought about in years. How distressing it might be for your children if you throw away books they still use and think of as part of their worship of Jehovah.
Also, although I have no experience with custody hearings, I can imagine the opposing lawyer saying, "And, Judge, she even destroyed what didn't belong to her, her children's cherished song books, and broke their little hearts."
Perhaps you could leave just THEIR literature at your house--while providing plenty of alternative reading material, of course! Or maybe you could explain that you would like them to keep their literature at their father's house from now on. Either way, you'd be showing respect for them and their belongings, as well as recognizing their beliefs even though not agreeing with them.
Maybe none of this is an issue for you and your children, but I'd rather be safe than sorry!
I'm so sorry for all you're going through and hope you can find peace and relief from the stress you're under. Know that many people are thinking of you and wishing you and your children well.
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flipper
LOSINGIT- Hang in there. Many of us have been where you are at now. You are among friends who care here. Lots of great advice here which I agree with most of it indeed
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LoisLane looking for Superman
LosingIt , I am bumping your thread to remind everyone of the torturous life you have been made to lead.
You need love, caring thoughts and concerned friends.
((((((((((Big Hugs of Emotional Support to You Girl))))))))))))
Rant away.
I know it has helped me.
Just Lois
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rmt1
"And the elders, well... they are clearly a bunch of incompetent men who are put in positions of authority with no real knowledge of how to counsel people, essentially hungry for power."
That's the whole JW story right there. The distant, expansive, cartel could not be sustained without the local street gang of pushers, armed with various instruments of psychological and emotional torture, keeping the territory in fear and extorting protection money.