Effect of family life (me, wife and young boy) if I am df / da and wife zealous jw (page 2)

rubadubdub

I completely agree with AnnOMalley! Take things slowly, and don’t unnecessarily complicate things. My husband faded 30 years before I finally came to my senses! He continued to be involved in our JW social life until he was marked for playing volley ball too aggressively at a congregation picnic. (Large gatherings are a thing of the past now anyway!) He attended the Memorial yearly until I asked him to stop, because the kids were embarrassed that he fell asleep and snored.

I would say his biggest mistakes were becoming a workaholic, leaving me with too much responsibly regarding the kids and not doing the necessary research to deprogram himself or learn about Cult Mind Control. (When I left, his deprogramming began—no more throwing down the headship card!)

Please take into account how your wife may be feeling. Talk to her! Show her love. I felt totally betrayed when my husband left the organization. We had promised to raise our children in “The Truth” together. I felt like he left me holding the bag. That actually strengthened my resolve to stay strong and raise my children as JWs. Fortunately, they left when they became adults and then the cognitive dissonance finally did me in.

Research TTAT (The Truth About the Truth) at www.jwfacts.com . Prove to yourself what you believe and don’t believe. Crisis of Conscience, by Raymond Franz is a real eye-opener.

Also read Steven Hassan’s books starting with Combatting Cult Mind Control, then Releasing the Bonds, Empowering People to Think for Themselves and Freedom of Mind,Helping Loved Ones Leave Controlling People, Cults and Beliefs.

Please teach your child to think critically! Teach Your Child How to Think, by Edward de Bono will help with that.

Your wife may choose to use the Absolute Spiritual Endangerment escape clause so lovingly provided by the WTB$. Don’t give her ammunition! Learn how to ask open-ended questions without implicating yourself. I wrote an article for another forum regarding staying married to your unbelieving mate, specifically how to show your mate that Absolute Spiritual Endangerment is unscriptural. PM me if you would like me to send the article to you!

Be a good, loving husband and father. Do fun things with your family. Take day trips, long weekends away are even better. The more time away from meetings the better! Don’t trip any alarms. Take things slowly. Fading is your best option. DAing or getting DF’d may end up being the nuclear option for your family.

DesirousOfChange

I completely agree with AnnOMalley! Take things slowly, and don’t unnecessarily complicate things.

DITTO

Doc

RayPublisher

Daniel my heart goes out to you bro. Go slow, do not DA yourself. Gradually start your fade away from the KH, try and gently and slowly study with your wife The Truth About The Truth.

DO NOT make it easy for anyone to out you. DO NOT meet with the elders or tell them anything else. Use poor health and/or stress as your main ally. Tell JW people you are "waiting on Jehovah" and/or "throwing your burden on Jehovah."

Go to the Dr. and get a prescription for Xanax or some other drug like that, even if you never use the pills, as you can now tell them that you are on medication from a Dr. and you are trying to reduce your stress and anxiety levels.

You can also ask the elders for the phone line so you can listen in to meetings. Then when your wife goes or to others question you can explain that you listen in and that's all you can handle at the moment.

Over time the whole situation will become more and more clear, that is my experience. PM me anytime if you want to talk.

leavingwt

"What would be the consequences on family life if I disassociate myself?"

A divorce, with your wife winning sole custody is a very real possibility. You have nothing to gain and everything to lose by publicly disassociating yourself. A simple approach would be to not answer any more questions about anything related to the organization, and to simply stop attending meetings.

There is a HUGE difference between how an apostate is treated, and how a person is treated who has simply stopped attending meetings.

Make no mistake, if you DA yourself -- you're an apostate. A believing JW wife does not want to be married to an apostate, nor does she want an apostate to raise her child.

Food for thought.

Plan for the worst, hope for the best.

-LWT (of the letter-writing, apostate class)

jgnat

I am a non-JW (never joined) married to a Witness. I am a strong believer in having an exit plan, especially if you want to keep your family intact. Once you are better informed on how the WTS affects a person's mind and decisions, you will be better prepared to work out a plan for your family. Here's some required reading:

http://www.freeminds.org/psych/exithelp.htm

Read the Secret of Family Happiness book, the section on divided households. Pay special attention to the duties of wives in this section. You might have need of reminding your wife.

Get one of Steve Hassan's books, to understand the difference between the cult personality and the natural personality. Learn to speak to your wife's heart and mind so that she really hears you, learn to address her natural self.

BECAUSE your family has not exited with you, I think a slow fade is in order. Work out an exit plan that includes slowly withdrawing from various responsibilities, hours of field service, and meeting attendance. Make sure it is protracted and erratic. A poster here has pointed out that the summer months are the perfect time to finalize a fade. Just don't come back from vacation.

Get used to the idea that you do not owe the elders anything. They have no compunctions about dropping you to the kerb. So don't think that you owe them an explanation for your changed behavior.

Someone mentioned the importance of respecting each other's differences. That is so true, and is why my husband and I are still together. I demand respect on my side (a constant battle), and I grant respect for his choices, even if I don't agree with them. Honor her decisions always, as you are respecting her independence of mind. Independence is something that you can offer that the WTS will not.

After learning Steve Hassan's techniques, I have become skilled at snapping my husband back to his natural self. I might start with, "O honey, you know that you always...." and I bring up something that is uniquely him. His natural goofy self comes roaring back and I negotiate with THAT man, not the Watchtower clone. So much more satisfying.

jgnat

Oh yes, I should mention that the status of "divided households" is a significant drop. Your wife will be given sympathy but no support. Social invitations will disappear, for fear of "infection". She will not have a male representative to defend her interests at the hall. Elders might interfere and take on a husbandly and fatherly role, including "secret" studies with your son as he gets older. This will be a major social blow to your wife.

CADSkin

A well planned exit is the best IMO. Doing anything drastic tends to turn a zealot into a super zealot and a JW martyr. Do it carefully and slowly and you have a chance of keeping your family intact.

Narcissistic Supply

Be A Man. Grow A Pair. Spend as much time with your boy as possible.

God Bless.

AnnOMaly

[Rubadubdub] He attended the Memorial yearly until I asked him to stop, because the kids were embarrassed that he fell asleep and snored.

No way!

[jgnat] Work out an exit plan that includes slowly withdrawing from various responsibilities, hours of field service, and meeting attendance. Make sure it is protracted and erratic.

Yes! Those at the KH learn to get used to you appearing irregularly. Eventually, they get used to you not appearing at all. However, once you disappear completely, be aware that your wife will have the tricky job of parrying questions from those who, weeks/months down the line, notice.

Get used to the idea that you do not owe the elders anything . They have no compunctions about dropping you to the kerb. So don't think that you owe them an explanation for your changed behavior.

It can help to give them something, though. Stressed, depressed, etc. "Can we help?" "Thanks. That's kind of you. No. With Jehovah's help, I'm figuring it out. I just need the space to do so."

(You have to have oodles of patience and a cast iron stomach to do this the slow way, however.)

RankAtheist1

Am thinking. will get back

Effect of family life (me, wife and young boy) if I am df / da and wife zealous jw

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