Really good advice here. My .02, be the best darn dad and husband in the world as you extract yourself from the organization. Spend quality time with wife and baby boy.
Effect of family life (me, wife and young boy) if I am df / da and wife zealous jw
by Daniel1555 31 Replies latest jw friends
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Scully
You're probably not an atheist at this point, but I do highly recommend that you listen to the a podcast archived on The Thinking Atheist forum, called Secular Parenting, with Dale McGowan
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=_gxhPj_e-GU
McGowan has written books about raising kids outside of religious construct, such as Parenting Beyond Belief, and Raising Freethinkers. He acknowledges in the podcast that when one parent leaves the JWs, it's one of the most extreme and difficult situations to be in as a parent.
One question I have for you, is how do you plan to handle the 'blood thing' if it were to come up with your little boy? Could you allow your wife's JW beliefs to override your own, if a doctor told you that your son needed a blood transfusion?
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Daniel1555
Dear friends,
You give me a lot of things to think about.
Inside I am not bound anymore by the Watchtower beliefs. Over the last couple of years I studied a lot about different topics and kind of built "my own belief (I believe in a Creator who made everything in a wonderful way but probably through evolution, pacifiscm and human rights, respect nature and other people, beliefs).
I didn't talk to my wife about these things to influence her, but I told her about my belief. First I thought she respected my change of belief. But that year she became colder and colder and a distance started to develop. As I asked what I have to do, that we can be closer, she said that I have to change my beliefs and feelings (to be watchtower conform again). I told her, that I can not just betray my conscience and that it is important to respect each others beliefs.
Now today (I have my parents in law at our home), my mother in law just talked to me about how unhappy my wife is because of me not being the spiritual head of the family. She said if I don't want to loose my wife, I should change and become spiritual (to watchtower doctrine) again. I am spiritual, just in another way.
I told her about different reasons why I lost confidence in the organisation. We discussed the blood issue and I showed her logical points, and I asked how I would have to react, if the doctors say our baby need a transfusion. Her answer was. "Just like the organisation is saying." But the organisation has different rules in different countries (my wife is from germany and I am from switzerland). I showed her reasons, why the bible does not speak against a blood transfusion and showed her some inconsistencys about the fractions.
Probably I told my mother in law too much.
But anyway I have to discuss with my wife about the blood issue and how we react if our little boy is in an emergency. Here another "blood card" needs to be filled out and my wife takes it seriously (to have copies and so on).
The thing is. I cannot lie to my wife.
We will see how it continues. I try hard to spend a lot of time with her and our little boy and to be a good father and husband.
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Daniel1555
And I forgot, Later I will private some of you.
You were so kind to give me such a moral support.
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TD
What would be the consequences on family life if I disassociate myself?
How solid is your marriage?
One sad, but true dynamic in the JW community is that spiritual endangerment qualifies as 'Scriptural' grounds for divorce. If you disassociate and get branded as an apostate, your wife could (Depending upon her personality and personal investment in the religion herself) choose to view it as a betrayal.
The social implications here should be obvious as well. (i.e. Is it conceivable that an elder might attempt to goad her in that direction? Are any of them single?)
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BU2B
My heart goes out to you my friend as I am in a very similiar situation. Plenty of good advice here.. Just take it slow.. Try to sow seeds of TTATT. Do NOT spill your guts, and tell her all you know, It will NOT work. Just scale back slowly on WT activities, show no interest or zeal, and try to ask questions to draw her out. What are her weak points/doubts? Once you find these you can think of some questions to ask her to draw her out, to make her think for herself. This is easier said than done, and may not work, but this is the best way IMO. I have a 3 year old girl and it pains me to see her go to the KH, but I think as a child gets older and has one parent who allows them to have "worldly" friends, celebrate birthdays, play school sports etc, they will automatically gravitate to that parent 90% of the time.
I think that it is very difficult when one spouse is in and the other faded, for the faded one to make sure the child has a normal childhood, seeing as the believing parent may out them when they see the child "going to the world". On the other hand if you are DF or DA, you will be able to raise them as you see fit, however if this happens your spouse may leave you to "rescue her childs spirituality". You must be prepared for this reality. It is a tangled mess and should be criminal for anyone to have to go through this web of mines we must navigate. The best option, if possible is to keep family intact and wake your wife slowly. Doing this will be painful for you as you keep up a charade, but there are ways to bear it for the time nessesary.
Even If you stand your ground and your family disentegrates, comfort yourself with the knowledge that when your child gets older, they will appreciate the parent that LOVES THEM UNCONDITIONALLY FOR WHO THEY ARE and NOT WHAT THEY BELIEVE. And they have a parent that had the courage and integrity to do the right thing no matter the cost for their own welfare. Odds are as children grow and become dissatisfied with JW life, which they almost certainly WILL, they will appreciate and value that they have someone in their corner and another option for their lives.
However your child is still very young so you have some time.. Take it slow for now... We are all here for you OK?
Feel free to PM me anytime you like
With you in solidarity- BU2B
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LisaRose
I was married for 28 years, my husband was disfellowshipped for 26 of those years. It was a strange sort of life to raise your children like that. We led a very isolated life, it was hard. They both rejected the religion, I eventually left as well. I was told I could not leave, although now I understand some people do manage to get divorced. My ex husband's father was an elder, so I could not. It all depends on your circumstances, I cannot recommend you staying in a religion you do no believe in. If you love your wife and child and want to save your marriage, fading may be best.
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Aunt Fancy
A lot of excellent advice was given. You need to start reading the books and websites recommended by others because it will really help you get the programing out of your head and it will help you get your wife out. I started doing the research and I was able to get my husband to read Crisis of Conscience and after that he read everything he could get his hands on and we came out together. I would not DA myself either because you are playing into their hands. They want you to do that so it weakens you and they want control over you. You need to help your wife out and in the mean time you can make new friends. Once your son is in school you will meet all kinds of people especially if he is involved in sports. He deserves to be able to play sports and do fun things that JW's can't do. You also want him to get a good education especially in this day and age. You will also find that because you are seeing the lies you will have a hard time being around them in social settings especially as you make new friends. You are young, get out now while you still have a lot of good years ahead of you. One of the things my husband and I did was take things slowly and it has worked to our advantage. At this point I could care less if they DF'd us but at least we went out on our terms
I wish you the best and hang in there because it is a roller coaster ride!!
Aunt Fancy
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Mum
For your child, you must show that you're happy and that you don't feel you have "lost" something. Be sure that, when he is with you, that you are happy and he is having a good time. Kids remember how they felt much more than what they're told or indoctrinated with.
Your child will not be allowed to have "worldly" friends by his mom. That is where you come in. You need to plan fun activities for him and his friends at school, and/or children of your co-workers. If he is in elementary school, and you have the free time, it would be an excellent idea to volunteer as a room parent. Room parents (used to always be room mothers) plan holiday activities and go to school to supervise holiday parties and similar activities. If your wife objects to birthday parties, you could have "unbirthday" parties. We all have more "unbirthdays," so it gives you flexibility.
Encourage your child to do well in school, and help with homework. It is important that the child feel secure and supported by you.
As "head of the household," you have a distinct advantage. But, as jgnat pointed out, it is important to be loving, kind, and understanding with your wife. You once believed as she did, so you give her that freedom. If she needs a ride to the meeting or field service, give that to her.
Nobody knows what will happen, but I think if you follow all of the advice you've been given here, you'll greatly increase your odds of keeping your family together.
If you could move to another town or another state, that would take off a LOT of the tension of fading.
Best wishes.
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rubadubdub
Daniel1555, You have a PM