Hi noidia,
I can associate with you feelings of guilt. Getting rid of it is easier said than done.............but to be o.k. again it's got to go.
I was quilty over everything. I caused my mother much grief. She would scream, cry and made life for my father miserable. So again, there was guilt over my father. I could no longer assoiciate with my brother, his wife of children. I felt guilty for not teaching my children the "truth". I felt guilty about not going to the meetings, for not going out in service, for not praying. But mostly, I suffered the guilt from encourageing my father to not take blood and he ultimately died. It was endless and it was killing me inside.
I am a real softy by nature, but durring those 16 years after disfellowshiping I became hard in the heart. Not mean mind you.... just numb to feelings. I would watch a movie that was a real tear jerker and when I felt the tears start to come on I was able to disassociate my self. I learned to do this well. To become distant to feelings.
Like I said, once I tried to seriously and heartfeltly find God,he answered. For me He answered big time. I did not bring those feelings on myself on purpose. I was not being all charismatic. It just happend and i knew he heard me and I heard him loud and clear. I was indeed worthy.. I was indeed forgiven... and i was indeed loved by Him.
I would like to mention to you all that being saved does not instantly give you all the answers...........but you are free of the guilt to finally read the bible for what it is and beleive the truths in there, like going to heaven, with out having the guilt for questioning them. The watchtower glasses are finally removed.
I sincerely wish this peace and zest for the true Jesus for you all.
Hang in there AND DONT GIVE UP. It took him 3 years to get it thru my thick stubborn skull. Remember, everyone asking WILL RECEIVE.
agape love to you Gold morning