Oops I did it again. Another mistake (page 4)

Scully

A more up-to-date website with details to help identify if you are in an abusive relationship:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

KariOtt

Yes I know I'm in an abusive relationship. Abuse is all I know. Don't think I'll ever escape.

jgnat

Is there a small step you can make, symbolic towards your freedom? Mine was an exit bag, packed and ready to go.

Aunt Fancy

Oh my KariOtt, it makes me sad to read this. You don't have to accept this type of behavior from your husband, you deserve better than this. Don't let anyone control you like this, it is not love.

Scully

You *can* escape. You just need to learn how.

You can start by getting a job and having a bank account that's just your own. He says he doesn't want you working because it's to his advantage from a tax perspective. It's actually more than that. It allows him to keep you dependent. It allows him to keep a power imbalance in play where he is the "adult" in the relationship and you are the "child" - that's clear from the way he expects certain behaviour of you and throws a hissy fit when you are disobedient or 'disloyal' in his estimation.

Take courses. Widen your circle of friends. Become involved in your community as a volunteer. There are lots of options. But whatever you do, do not allow him (and his JW relatives and friends) to isolate you by compelling you to associate with only JWs. Isolation is their most useful tool - it creates a situation whereby their behaviour becomes "normal" when it isn't - you become accustomed to it and accept it. If you keep a broad range of friendships, you'll have someone there who can tell you "Hey Kari, that's messed up! Don't let them do that to you!"

Take small steps toward growing independence - he doesn't have to like you having a job. He has to accept your decision to work or go to school or whatever, and the tax implications that go with it. Tell him you think it will be good for your self esteem, or that you're becoming bored, or that you feel it's important for you to take care of your own expenses. What if he decides to run off with someone else? You'll need to have the skills to support yourself, because he sounds like the kind of guy who will try to weasel out of spousal support payments (do you have a pre-nup agreement?) Worst case scenario, what if he were to die suddenly? Where would that leave you financially? It's important for you to have marketable skills so you'll be able to be self-sufficient in the event you become single again. What about starting a small business from home - do you have talents like cooking or baking or making jewelry that you could sell? There are tax advantages to being self employed, perhaps that's angle he hasn't considered.

KariOtt

I'll explain tomorrow why I can't escape. be prepaired for a long horrific story. my night nighty psych drugs are kicking in.5 psych durgs at bedtime and 4 psych drugs when I wake up. then another 3 at lunchtime.

ambersun

Good advice from scully! Above all else it is very important that you don't isolate yourself from your TRUE friends, which will hopefully include members of your church who should be on hand to support you. After reading your last post suggesting it is impossible for you to escape your present situation, I think it is extremely important you do not become isolated!

I would suggest joining facebook again using a name that is not obvious to your JW relatives and make it strictly private, so that only people you trust, that you have personally invited and accepted as friends, can be part of it. That way you can at least let people outside your home know what is going on, and seek advice and help from them when it is needed. Even then, if you need to discuss personal matters it is often best to send private messages to individuals rather than open messages that all your facebook friends can read, just to be on the safe side.

Take care and I wish you well

jgnat

I believe in freedom for everyone. There's a reason you've reached out like you have at your church, and on here.

Jeffro

KariOtt:

Yes I know I'm in an abusive relationship. Abuse is all I know. Don't think I'll ever escape.

Don't think like that. Start by modifying your own behaviour.

Scully has given some excellent advice above about gaining your own independence. Do it!

Oops I did it again. Another mistake

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