How can i continue my fade vs the rubber band theorem that pulls my wife in

DS211

Im at a crossroads my friends. Im beginning to feel that my oppurtunities to get my wife out are waning. Weve misssed many meetings she still smokes a cig a day. But shes reminded me how we need to study the bible with our kids and get back to it. I can feel with Christmastime here that shes retracting into her JW shell...with it comes increased depression, irritability and shortness with myself and my children. I am also facing the fact that i dont want to go back....my mind is clearly out, ive misssed 8 meetings and i want out. However i realize this is selfish, but what would happen if i just tell her i dont want to go? My theory is shell begin to associate this with Satan getting ahold of le and leading me away from. jehovah and the Bible....but how can i convince her otherwise? I know i need to be patient but the more we go through this song and dance the more i think we will pull apart....

the situation im in portrays me as the villain because im leading the double life, and if i tell her im now the guy leading her after myself, the apostate.

i know thjs is a scrambled mess, alot going through my head so i need a good sifting and perhaps a kick in the ass lolz

if i did tell her i didnot want to go anymore how might i approach it? I know my options if i choose to go back and do things super slow

KateWild

DS,

BU2B, had a good plan. It worked a treat. Are you a MS or elder? If so start being incompetent for cong duties and pay more attetion to your wife. If not, just be incompetent in general, always late for meetings, field circus, miss your talks on the theocrapic misery school and say you are dealing with stress (which is true) and taking the matter to Jehovah.

This will take a few months, but look at BU2Bs thread too, it here http://www.jehovahs-witness.net/members/private/267835/1/My-planned-incompetence-has-PAID-OFF-I-am-being-REMOVED-as-a-MS#.UrHj4vRdW8A Kate xx

Frazzled UBM

I agree that there is something about Xmas that spurs the cult persona. I have noticed that with my wife too - she had been doing really well until Xmas loomed. I used to enjoy Xmas but I can see that it may become something I dread. All I can say is that we have to play the long game - getting your hopes up too soon leads to disappointment when things revert and then you can do something out of frustration that sets things back even further. I ahve learnt that the hard way as my post from yesterday shows. Good luck and hang in there.

chicken little

This may sound mean but maybe, just maybe it would shake her up. Why not let it slip that your wife smokes? Then they would be down on her like a ton of bricks. That just may be the last straw, when she experiences their lack of care and judgemental approach.

After saying that 8 weeks is no time at all, just explain that you are very disturbed emotionally and need space and being away from the meetings does not mean that you are a failure spiritually.

Captain Obvious

Hmm tough situation! If she smokes even a little, does she feel guilty about it or fine? If she feels fine then she is able to think for herself. Build on that.

The Searcher

DS - If she still believes in God, Jesus, & the Bible, commend her for wanting to live according to those things. However, you should gently get her to reason on what the Org teaches and what the Bible really teaches! The two of you should do a "Family Study" and really scrutinize what you've been believing, and let her discover exactly what the Org's focus is on - money & control!

Having said all this, I think the Org is going to give many Witnesses a rude awakening over the next 9-12 months via new dictats, as well as more forceful "requests" for the sheep's cash!!

Maybe your job will be done for you. I wish you a calm time of it!

jgnat

I'm going to give you a few observations and tips. Remember, she might go the other way, joining you out of the WTS.

It seems to me that sometimes she slips in to her "bad" self, and then rebounds back in to being "good". After all, what human can keep up that perfect lifestyle all day, every day? There's something deep in your wife that says, "no way!".
Might you convince your wife that her bad self is not so bad and indeed is attractive and desireable?
Do up a pro and con list for various scenarios and options. http://www.proconlists.com/
When you talk to your wife, speak to hear natural self by asking her to put herself in your shoes (empathy). Start by speaking about how you feel, not what you have decided.
Avoid trigger words like "meeting", "truth", "jehovah" if you can.
Christmas is always the worst time between me and hubby. He's pressured to "make a stand" and a holiday I used to love turns in to a battle-ground. I hate being angry this time of year. After Christmas is over might be better, if you can handle it that far.
Would you consider a family study night where you pick the subject matter and welcome independent thinking all around?

LisaRose

I don't think it's selfish to just tell her you want out, but it might not be the best move right now. If it is Christmas that is causing her to go back into cult mode, why not just wait until after the holidays? I know it is incredibly difficult to not just blurt out your feelings, but I think you need to look at this as more of a long term strategy. Why not just agree to a study and use that time to use the bible to sow a few seeds of doubt. There are scriptures the Watchtower avoids because they conflict with their agenda.

I was reading a book today that talked about a Quaker named John Woolman. He became convinced that slavery was wrong. He didn't proselytize or argue or criticize. Instead he went from farm to farm to visit other Quakers and just asked "What does it mean to own a slave?" "What does it mean to be a moral person?". The result was that most Quakers got rid of their slaves by 1770, long before the rest of America.

You are in a position to have great influence over your wife, as you are still considered to be the spiritual leader, or head, of the family. So use that to (gently) influence her. The fact that she is missing meetings and sneaking a few cigarettes means nothing, she will just feel guilty and be even more enslaved to the cult. Many JWs are inactive for years, but have not broken free mentally, so they are still under cult mind control. My sister went back after thirty years. It is only by learning TTATT that your wife will break free. Don't blow it now just to get rid of the stress, it won't gain you anything.

I think you should even attend a meeting with her if she asks (well, if you can stand it). You can use it as an opportunity to help her see the manipulations. You could mention something that you noticed and ask her how she feels about it. Don't preach, just saw "I noticed brother Brown said anyone who doesn't love field service doesn't love Jehovah, how do feel about that?"

Hang in there, you can win this.

problemaddict

I don't think telling her you want out is good. Teling her you have doubts is better. It won't accomplish anythign if she goes full defensive.

There are parts about being a JW that feel "secure" when you aren't really thinking about it. I mean, you have amix ready set of "friends" or at least people who are generally friendly. There is familiarity. There is structure. The kids play with other kids. You get to be "sure" you are right and have all the answers.

There is a draw to all those things. So that is where she is at. Imagine smoking that cigarrette and feeling guilty every day right after you do it as a JW. Yikes!

Make sure you really express how much you love her. Buy her something! Wrap it! Don't do it next week do it this week. Arouse her curiosity in why you are having doubts and maybe she will ask you about them. Then you can try to give her some of her own. As it is, just allow her to believe you are "weak" currently.

Billy the Ex-Bethelite

"Weve misssed many meetings she still smokes a cig a day. But shes reminded me how we need to study the bible with our kids and get back to it.... the situation im in portrays me as the villain because im leading the double life, and if i tell her im now the guy leading her after myself, the apostate."

Wait, she's smoking daily and portrays YOU as leading the villainous double life? She is a 100% hypocrite! She should have confessed to the elders after cigarette #1. Every single cig is a disfellowshipping offense just the same as celebrating Christmas or having sex with the stranger in a bar. To say "but I'm repentant," when this has been a daily event is nonsense. Would she seriously have sex with a stranger every day and then lecture YOU on what YOU should be doing?

If she's judging you for being "apostate", just remind her that she is all the proof needed as evidence that Jehovah is powerless.

Okay, I guess this is another post where it is evident that I'm not married, eh?

How can i continue my fade vs the rubber band theorem that pulls my wife in

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