Involved with a JW woman (page 13)

Apognophos

Just noticed the new posts from 3 days ago when checking through my old posted-on topics. Sorry to hear about the disfellowshipping. This is not uncommon when someone begins dating a worldly person. The elders pretty much feel like they have to "get" the sister for something if she's dating a non-believer.

Usually someone DFed like this is indeed reinstated within a year. An appeal might be successful, but I don't think it's worth it as she will probably get further by being sorry and working through the reinstatement process the usual way, than if she contests the elders' decision and wins (and an appeal probably never has good odds anyway).

jonza

So I think this whole DF process has really helped her to wake up. She's been way more honest, and there's been so many things that she's being saying!

She's admitted to having many doubts even before I came along. She said she used to go on 'apostate' websites very often and they scared her because it sounded more like they were telling the truth than her own religion was. She never really bought into the FDS. Also, she said she felt many times they took Jesus out of the picture and replaced Him with Jehovah or themselves. She even admitted wondering if Jesus is really God.

Anyway, regarding how things stand now, we went through together the different signs of being in a cult, and she admitted they are a cult!!

She still wants to get reinstated and then just fade away. She keeps feeling like she doesn't know who to trust now, because she's been lied to her whole life. She also haaaates going to meetings, and she now hears the lies, the disgusting things they say about JAH wiping out all but them, how they have to give alll their money, all the obey crap etc. I think she really has opened her eyes. She says she hates them!

She's even now saying she wants to read the Bible together with me and pray together too!! We have been doing that almost everyday for a week now. Though she is still very sensitive when I bring up how the Bible differs to what the WT teaches. As I think it's been enough and she's done hearing about how they're bad, because she knows it already, but just wants to read the Bible to see what it really says. She also now knows she can have a relationshiop with God without them!

I know this is still a long road, but I think she's made some real progress this past few months. She's still very hurt and depressed about it all, but at least she's not giving up on God.

NewYork44M

Best wishes to you and your partner's success. You have an interesting road ahead. This my first scan of this topic, and I am totally fascinated by the comments and your commitment to success.

Apognophos

Interesting, thanks for the update jonza. People often come on here and ask for advice and are never heard from again, so we don't know how things turned out. Of course this is still very much in process, as you said. Anyway, I have to say that based on her comments about the Society pushing Jesus aside, etc., she seems to be more knowledgeable than I thought about the problems in the religion. So that makes me more hopeful than I was back on page 1.

Additionally, if she doesn't enjoy meetings, then that combined with her DFed status means that she is unlikely to have a lot of people trying to pull her back in. I was worried that someone might take her under their wing and re-indoctrinate her, but that's less likely now, especially since sisters cannot talk to her, only elders, and a brother cannot study alone with her. The shunning is usually quite complete. DFed members really are hung out to dry.

I think when she gets through her depressed period (which most of us went through), she'll feel like she has a new lease on life and you'll see a side of her that you've never seen before. First it sounds like she is re-educating herself on the Bible to correct her miseducation, which is great and something that a lot of DFed JWs never do. Once she begins to arrive at some new conclusions of her own, I expect she will probably begin to exit her fugue state. I don't know her well enough to know what sort of beliefs she'll end up having, but hopefully you will support her in her journey, even if it leads away from your denomination.

ABibleStudent

Hi jonza, Untill she reads one of Steve Hassan's (preferrably) or Raymond Franz's books, I would not get your hopes up. I wish I knew how you could purchase one of those books in her native language.

When you read the Bible with her, ask her how she interprets the Bible. I wouldn't recommend mentioning the WTBTS when reading the Bible.

Best of wishes to you both.

Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,

Robert

Mum

You are in a scary situation. She may not truly believe everything about witness doctrine, but she is paralyzed by fear. As Carl Sagan has pointed out, once a person has been bamboozled long enough, they are no longer interested in the truth. It is too painful to acknowledge, even to oneself, that we've been bamboozled.

I hope you won't let her take your children to any JW religious activities. Being the man gives you some power in the JW world. Use it wisely, to protect your children from love bombing, indoctrination, baptism, disfellowshipping, being shunned, mental slavery, and all of the consequences thereof.

Is there anything she is interested in, such as math, science, philosophy, language, music, cooking, crafts - anythng at all? If you can get her interested in an activity that will take her mind off the nonsense, that would be helpful. The key is to find the real person living nside the brainwashed cult follower. If she could become deeply involved in a career or community service, it would be gratifying and could be a step toward her freedom.

You sound like a nice guy. You and she deserve to be happy. Watchtower legalism makes it very difficult for its adherents to be happy, to relax and enjoy life. Plan activities with the kids that are fun. Plan fun activities for just the two of you as well. People remember how they feel than they remember facts and rules. You have the potential to do a lot of good and help this woman and her child(ren). Tread carefully.

new22day

Hello Jonza, I was just driving by the site taking a peek after being away for almost a year and saw your post. I had to share my 2 cents... My first reaction is to scream 'RUUUN!"from the rooftops. I dated a non-practicing JW (he was 'done with all that') for close to 2 years. It was a long frustrating dance related to his double-life and all the lies that went with. Long story short, he was getting reinstated behind my back for months while "sinning" with me behind the KH's back.

I think a double life says a lot about a person's character (appreciate: some JWs have no choice). Double-life is about learning how to live comfortably as a liar, and that involves having a questionable conscience.

I'm glad your GF is questioning so many things. One thing though that surprised me as a non-JW was how pervasive the beliefs are.

It's tough; we all think 'our' relationship will be different. Maybe yours will. My ex was sweet, charming, funny and seemingly so innocent. Great, but once my eyes were opened I saw that he was also a brilliant liar, cunning and very devious. His first love was always the JWs, even though he said otherwise. A year and a half later I'm so much happier without that guy I thought was my dream man.

He texted me recently and I politely wished him the best and suggested he loose my number. He has. That was bliss. Realtionships don't have to be painfully complicated. Some food for thought. All the best to you. <3

Frazzled UBM

Hi Jonza - glad to hear she has been df'd and is starting to see TTATT. However until she fully adopts it and abandons the plan to get reinstated and then fade you are not out of the woods because the risk is that through the reinstatement process she will get reindoctrinated - which is how the reinstatement process is designed to work. But you have made good progress and I am impressed. Keep it up. Cheers Fraz

jonza

I agree, I want to get her to watch the Hassan video (she's not really a reader). But I will read Crisis of conscience to her. She's open to anything like that.

She has actually said many times she doesn't even want to go to her meetings at all as she really can't stand them. Her immediately family are talking to her still so she really doesn't see the point. But she was close to her cousins and aunts who are all in, so doesn't really know what to do. She admitted her and her Mom has talked together a long time ago about how they both have doubts, but neither would open up. Recently she has even said that she's been saying things to her Mom about what the Bible teaches on certain topics and asking her why it doesn't match up to WT teaching in the hope of waking her up! So she's already trying to help her family. I did I write-up on what the Bible says about shunning etc and she even showed it to her Mom, who read the whole thing.

She has interests in languages, she's fluent in spanish, english and almost in german and started learning arabic. She loves to cook and is learning how to make new things all the time. She's a full time medical assistant and loves biology and helping the sick. She's also quite into science too, we've been watching the guy who made this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kxRFqM__oEU and when we got to this video, it was funny as I was able to point out the cross and the crown etc that's shown and then I opened one of the original WTs to show the same symbols, to which she replied something like: "that shows their where their roots are from then".

I told her a while back that I will never let our kids go to a single JW event and she reluctantly agreed. Though recently she actually said herself, totally out of the blue: "I really don't want our kids to go to anything to do with this religion, for their own sake; it is bad and I don't want them to ever suffer because of it". Fortunately, when she moves here, I live far enough away for her family to have almost no influence over her religion wise or our kids, so I'm hoping for the best.

Apognophos

It's good to hear that she has all those interests! One of the things that the typical JW lacks is mental stimulation from anything outside the meetings (and those are rarely stimulating either). They're usually not very "engaged" in terms of being an active participant in society or an active learner. I think the lack of ambition in terms of personal improvement or accomplishments is what prevents many otherwise smart JWs from breaking free.

Involved with a JW woman

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